By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 27, 2014

Excuse me now, I am headed to the cashier …….

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 29, 2014

It’s not every day that the Detroit Lions have a 11-4 record heading into the regular season finale with a shot at winning the division, hosting a laylayoff game and earning a ttst-round bye.

Hell, it’s been so long since this franchise had a home postseason game that if you were born the day that occurred you would be able to drink legally in about ten days.

So in honor of the biggest Lions regular season game in decades, I figured the DSR had to do something special. I decided to totally remove myself from Twitter — and “The Wire” marathon — and dedicate my full attention to penning a Lions/Packers diary in Bill Simmons-like fashion.

And while a Simmons’ retro post might be the inspiration for the following article, I promise not to:

1) Mention how great my seats are for the game. Mainly because I am not at Lambeau Field and I am in my family room instead. Well, that and I am not an insufferable, sibling-less, narcissistic douche bag.

I have a sister.

2) I am not going to compare everything that occurs today with “Karate Kid”, “Rocky” or awful reality television programs.

3) I will attempt to refrain from trying to entice Larry David into a tenth season of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” by way of promising LD a “Curb Week” on the DetroitSportsRag.

And away we go ……..

4:22: The festivities kick off with a Fox commercial where a fictitious Lions team — coached by Herman Moore (what???) — is squaring off against lung cancer in a game of football. Huh? I am not sure the Patriots or Seahawks would have much of a chance against CANCER but the Lions vs. The Big C sure seems like a huge mismatch on paper.

I mean, lung cancer kills 160,000 people a year; the Lions have never even been to a Super Bowl.

Yep, I just checked. The Wynn Las Vegas has Lung Cancer -5,000 over the Lions.

4:26: The Lions first play from scrimmage is a run up the middle for Reggie Bush. Joe Lombardi has seven days to scheme this shit and every week we start off with a dive up the middle. No one will ever confuse the Lions offensive coordinator with Figment from Epcot Center.

4:28: Some hot blonde with great, wavy hair just crushed Matthew Stafford for a sack. If you wagered on the Lions running on their first play and parlayed it with going three-and-out to begin the game, congratulations. Go cash your $2.10 for every $2.00 wager.

4:29: Terry Foster is a real piece of work. Does this spamming douche bag have no dignity whatsoever? ……..

4:29: Eddie Lacy with a 22-yard run, followed up by an 8-yard run by the Packers’ running back out of Alabama for a first down. Just HORRIBLE tackling by the best run defense in the NFL.

4:31: Now a huge James Starks run to set up a first-and-goal. Just wait until Aaron Rodgers has to throw the ball.

4:33: Not a good start for the defense as James Ihedigbo earns a pass-interference flag on third down as the Lions safety holds Jordy Nelson’s jersey for approximately the same length of time that Gustav Nyquist controlled the puck in OT Saturday night before scoring the game-winning goal.

Luckily for Nelson, his jersey isn’t made of the same material as those old Hulk-a-Mania t-shirts Hogan used to wear because it looks really freaking cold in Wisconsin today.

4:34: And for the record, when Foster earlier pimped out “his” Tex-Mex joint on the East Side, the five-tool imbecile didn’t even get the CITY right.

Ya gotta believe me.

4:37: Well, that was a huge defensive stand as the Lions turn back Green Bay on 4th and 1. A run call at the goal line? Against THIS team? Mike McCarthy’s horrid play-calling cost his team any chance of winning the matchup at Ford Field and he’s off to a great start this afternoon!!!!

4:43: Joe “Ted Cruz” Lombardi calls 64 runs in a row (maybe exaggerating a little) and then Stafford throws a ball into the Lions’ bench. I’m pretty sure Bill Keenist was the closest eligible receiver on that scud.

Oh, and if you don’t know who Keenist is …. he’s the Lions’ Chief Scumbag of Propaganda.

4:44: Oy vey. Micah Hyde returns a Sam Martin punt 55 yards for a touchdown. The last time the Lions won a game in this joint, Mel Gray returned a punt for a TD. In other news, I believe I have a second cousin named Micah. I don’t talk to half my family, so I can’t be sure. This fact surprises you?

Packers 7 Lions 0 

4:49: DSR co-creator Gregg Schultz just came out of his nine-year hibernation to bomb Pistons beat writer Vincent Goodshill. I guess Gregg didn’t take too kindly to the Lions’ lousy special teams.

4:53: 28 minutes after the game starts, Lombardi remembers he has a first-ballot Hall of Famer in Calvin Johnson.

4:54: 29 minutes after the games starts, Lombardi remembers he has Golden Tate on his roster as well.

4:54: One of Goodshill’s followers came to his rescue to attack the G-Schultz. The first three words are so good. How do you grammatically fuck up 66% of a sentence? When insulting someone else’s intelligence, no less.

4:55: Too much prosperity for Lombardi, so let’s run the ball up the gut for a negligible gain!!!! And also fumble in the process. Luckily for the Lions, Green Bay didn’t challenge the ruling that the runner was down. Because he wasn’t.

The Lions rush to the line to get a snap off before McCarthy can throw the red flag — except they have 12 men on the field.

4:56: We have had an Eric Ebron sighting. We have had an Eric Ebron sighting. A 22-yard catch which is the longest of his career. There is no truth to the rumor that he broke his previous mark by 19 yards.

5:00: And then Ebron drops a tough ball inside the Packers’ 10 yard line that HAS to be caught by the tenth overall pick in the draft.  Considering Martin Mayhew got next to nothing out of the 2011 draft and almost no help in 2014 (What will they find first, the Malaysian airliner, the Indonesian Airbus or Kyle Van Noy?), it is amazing that this team is heading to the postseason.

5:01: After a patented Lombardi 2nd-and-10 run play for a loss of one and an incomplete pass, the Lions are forced to punt. This is the house that Lombardi’s grandpappy built, right? It’s like watching Miles Davis’ grandson walk into the Apollo Theater and play out of tune.

5:04: Aaron Rodgers — in the shadow of his own goal line — almost throws a Pick 6 to Ndamukong Suh. DSR historians are looking it up, but we think that would have been Rodgers’ first home interception since he started banging Olivia Munn. Or is it Oliva Wilde? Not since Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel were in their heyday have I confused outstanding trim so often.

5:06: Too many men on the ice again for the Lions. Obviously Jim Caldwell figures that if the Lions are going to beat the Packers outdoors for the first time in 23 years, they are going to need a power play to do it.

5:09: The Packers are moving right down the field again when Lacy fumbles and Ihedigbo makes up for a couple of awful earlier plays with the recovery.

The Lions’ defense has been great this year. Even on drives like the first one of the day and this one — where they looked like total puke garbage — they still seem to figure out a way to bail themselves out.

5:12: An Android commercial that includes the song “Party Hard” by Andrew W.K. comes on my TV and, like Pavlov’s Dog, I instantly have a craving to play Madden 2003.

5:14: Megatron gets wide open and Stafford overthrows him because Matthew Stafford really sucks. 0-15 in his career on the road versus winning teams. Based on this performance so far, members of the 2008 Lions are starting to get cold sweats.

5:17: After some successful running plays, Ebron drops a 2nd-and-10 pass. 10th. Pick. Overall.

Here is a quote from Mayhew about Ebron on the day of the draft:

“He’s that kind of player that we can play a lot more 12-person with two tight end packages. (Brandon) Pettigrew will be on the line wide and this guy will be split out the way (Jimmy) Graham was used. He can really be like a third receiver for us.”

A third receiver. That’s what the Lions were looking for. A third receiver to go along with Tate and CalJo. That’s why they discussed trading up for Sammy Watkins. That’s why Mayhew would have taken Mike Evans if he would have been there at #10.

Because he wanted a “third receiver.” He never considered taking Odell Beckham — who went two picks later — though.

Now, I never suggested the Lions take Beckham before the draft. Of course, I wasn’t told that their dummy GM was going to take a TIGHT END who has trouble CATCHING the ball.

5:18: Another lousy pass by Stafford Stinks to Reggie Bush.

5:19: Caldwell decides to pass on a 49-yard field goal on fourth down and goes for it. Troy Aikman thinks the Lions should PUNT from GB’s 32 . Can someone send Aikman’s brain to Harvard Medical School for concussion testing? Yeah, I know he isn’t dead yet but it doesn’t appear that he is using it.

Punt from the 32. And for the record, between the field conditions and weather, I think Comatose Jim is doing the right thing here.

5:22: And Stafford overthrows Tate by about 30 feet on fourth down.

[Biting my tongue so hard not to Tweet while doing this Lions Diary. Ok, I am officially bleeding out of my mouth.]

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) December 28, 2014

5:26: The New York Times 4th Down Bot disagrees with Caldwell’s decision to go for it. Well, “The Grey Lady” isn’t always perfect ….

5:27: Rodgers and his bad calf scramble for 13 yards on 3rd and 8, but the MVP candidate definitely looks gimpy.

5:28: Randall Cobb gains 34 yards and takes the ball down to the Lions’ 10 yard line.

5:32: Rodgers throws a TD pass while on the run but looks like he got shot by an elephant rifle in the calf and needs the help of two Packers trainers to get off the field.

So to sum up the first half, Rodgers is throwing TDs with a serious left calf injury while a perfectly healthy Stafford would be overthrowing his receivers if they were the height of three-story buildings.

Maybe Staff hasn’t been coddled enough. Or been given enough weapons.

Packers 14 Lions 0

5:36: Rodgers is being carted off the field so insert your own “600 passing yards in a must-win situation for the Lions with Green Bay playing for nothing in 2011″ Matt Flynn joke here.

5;37: Reggie Bush tries to do his best Barry Sanders imitation as he runs about 15 yards east-west and gains zero yards north-south. Well, his best Barry Sanders from the 1995 playoff game at Lambeau when #20 rushed for negative one yard. Not that the game was Barry’s fault, mind you; thanks to his sieve-like offensive line, he probably should have lost 40 yards that day.

Little boys have fonder memories of Neverland Ranch than Lions fans have of Lambeau. I am not saying this stadium is the Lions’ house of horrors, but Rob Zombie is in talks with ESPN to direct a 30-for-30 special about the Leos’ history in Wisconsin.

5:40: Now Stafford throws a screen pass behind a wide-open Bush. Even for a guy who is staring at 0-16 on the road against winning teams in his career, this first half of his is quite an accomplishment.

5:42: Golden Tate does what Golden Tate does. All of a sudden, the Lions are in business at the Packers’ 32.

5:44: After a horrible pass, a three-yard loss on a RECEPTION and another terrible pass, the Packers bail Stafford out with a head slap by Brad Jones. What an awful penalty.

5:45: Stafford and Johnson take advantage of Jones’ bonehead smack to Stafford’s helmet as #9 throws a frozen rope to the Pro Bowler for a 20-yard score.

With Rodgers’ return a question mark and only a seven-point deficit headed to the second half, this is a must-fucking-win game for this franchise. If not now, WHEN?!?!?!?!?!!?

Packers 14 Lions 7

5:57: We couldn’t get either Nickelback, Diana DeGarmo or Katy Perry to appear at halftime, so here is your entertainment for the break …….

Remind me again why Michigan thought it had a snowball’s chance at luring Harbaugh as many still think? #knowyourplace

— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) January 20, 2014

6:04: On the first play from scrimmage of the second half,  Cobb gets gang-tackled on a run play. The Lions’ defense has to completely take away the run this half and hope Rodgers doesn’t return.

6:05: Flynn gets sacked and he is lucky the ball wasn’t stripped by Jason Jones on third down. This ain’t the 2011 defensive unit, Matt. Punt coming ….

6:09: Bush runs up the middle for no gain on the first offensive play of the second half because why the fuck not?

6:10: FINALLY a great throw by Stafford to Tate for a big first down to the Packers’ 40. Anyone want to guess the subsequent first-down play?

6:11: If you answered a run play for two yards, you win!!!

6:12: That asinine call is followed by another idiotic run, setting up a 3rd and 6. Bush gets five yards on a reception, which leads to ….

6:13: Stafford diving for a first down run behind Travis Swanson. The rookie center has played fairly well today other than a couple of wonky shotgun snaps.

Of course, he hasn’t given anyone the middle finger; called members of the Packers’ band “cunts” or “faggots”; or been late on child-support payments so he really doesn’t have the position mastered just yet.

6:14: Another first-down run by Bell …… for …… wait for it …….. NO GAIN. I want Joe Lombardi to die.

6:16: A first down catch apiece by Johnson and Jeremy Ross and the Lions are down to the Pack’s 4 yard line. See what happens when you throw the ball on FIRST DOWN?!?!?!??!?

6:17: And on FIRST DOWN, Megatron catches a perfect Stafford pass for a four-yard touchdown. His second of the afternoon. I mean, how much more evidence do Caldwell and Lombardi need before they realize that passing on first down WORKS?!??

Packers 14 Lions 14

6:19: Well, that positive news lasted about 45 seconds as Rodgers seems to be coming back into this game.

6:20: What the fuck was that? Martin pooches a kick that goes out of bounds and the Packers will start the drive at their own 40. Why would you even try something so idiotic?!???!

No franchise in sports history handles prosperity as well as the Lions.

6:24: The minute I start contemplating the possibility of the Lions getting the #1 seed throughout the NFC playoffs, they give up a huge play to Cobb and, just like that, the Packers are down to the Lions’ 19. Why the hell would you not have Martin kick into the end zone?!!?!??

WHY?!???!?

6:27: Jason Jones jumps offsides on 3rd and 8, turning it into a 3rd and 3. It would not have mattered if it were 3rd and 145 when Cobb gets wide open and scores a TD on a slant. When the Lions are getting obliterated next weekend at Jerry World in Texas, just remember that asinine Sam Martin squib.

Packers 21 Lions 14

6:34: Joe Buck tries to get Aikman to say that Barry Sanders was the best running back ever but the former Cowboy instantly brings Emmitt Smith’s name into the equation. Just how many hits to the brain did this guy take?

If Barry Sanders had Aikman and Smith’s offensive line in the 90s he might have run for 3,000 yards a season.

Larry Holmes makes more sense at this point.

6:35: After the Packers’ TD, the Lions go three-and-out as Stafford wasn’t on the same page with his receivers on ANY of his three throws. Fuck, they weren’t even in the same god-damn book. I cannot believe I got my hopes up for five seconds and started pondering that first seed.

With this franchise, fool me once … shame on me.

Fool me for 35 years ……. SHOOT ME.

6:39: Lacy makes a third-down catch, fumbles the ball and the referees rule he was down by contact. Caldwell decides to challenge the call anyway even though he was basically told by the ref that he was going to lose.

Right call in #DETvsGB — The contact makes Lacy automatically down.

— Mike Pereira (@MikePereira) December 28, 2014

If the DET defender hit the ball first, by rule, he’s still down.

— Mike Pereira (@MikePereira) December 28, 2014

I am not sure what is worse ….

1) Not knowing the rule

or

2) Still challenging the fucking call after he was TOLD THE RULE!!!!!

6:44: The ONE good thing that Robert De Niro’s character in “Awakenings” has done since getting to Detroit is bringing in Teryl Austin. It ALMOST makes up for the horrendous decision to let Lombardi call the plays.

The only problem is that Austin might be gone in a couple of weeks when one of the organizations looking for a new head coach hires him away. Which means we would only be left with the man who doesn’t know when to call timeouts and doesn’t know how to properly manage the clock and his HORRID offensive coordinator.

On the bright side, there is always a chance that Caldwell gets hit by a bus in the next ten days and Austin gets the promotion here.

6:49: After a holding penalty, the Packers faced a 3rd and 18 and get the ball down to the Leos’ 35. Instead of going for it with the best QB in the free world, McCarthy decides to attempt a 52-yard field goal that is promptly blocked. I feel like I am watching the NFL version of Brad Ausmus vs. Ned Yost with these two.

6:52: Another first-down run up the gut and Bell fumbles. This fucking franchise. I feel bad for those of you who still have nerve endings and who haven’t yet been turned in to the Allen Park police by this organization.

6:55: Rodgers to Rodgers on 3rd and 5. Six yards.

6:56: Suh offsides.

6:58: Rodgers completes another pass to Nelson at the the 10. Has there ever been a calmer quarterback than Rodgers? Right before the snap, the guy looks like he is ordering a steak at Capital Grill.

6:59: Levy grabs the facemask of Rodgers, wiping away a third-and-long situation for GB.

7:00: Rodgers sneaks it into the end zone for a Packers’ touchdown. A fumble, a Suh offsides and a Levy facemask flag …..

Packers 28 Lions 14

7:08: And here comes the Lions’ Sense of Urgency after 3 1/2 quarters; a pass to Ross and an 18-yard run by Stafford ….

7:10: ……. Well, it doesn’t look like there will be any fourth-quarter miracle tonight as Julius Peppers abuses the Lions’ depleted offensive line on successive plays and Detroit has to turn the ball over on downs.

And I thought the police and the politicians closing down Hamsterdam was going to be the most depressing shit I had to put up with today. Fuck you, Tommy Carcetti. You’re a bigger weasel than Mark Snyder and Michael Rosenberg combined.

Memo to Lions fans ….

“The Gods Will Not Save You.”

As if you didn’t already know that.

7:12: It seems now would be the best time to drop this …….

Did you expect much more from a team that prints PLAYOFF shirts?  PLAYOFF T-SHIRTS!!!!! These fucking losers. This shit makes “We Own the Central” gear look worthwhile. The franchise has won ONE playoff game in 56 years yet they have the unmitigated gall to sell PLAYOFF t-shirts. For $18 a pop. Unreal.

7:13; 3rd and 5 for GB and Rodgers completes a bullet to Nelson. Suh then does his best Ric Flair impression on Rodgers’ calf area; the star of “Dirty Work” was not impressed.

Suh has just stepped on Rodgers ankle deliberately. He may lose a game for that move. — Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) December 29, 2014

You would have to be out of your freaking mind to give this guy the benefit of the doubt at this point. Maybe for the first “step” but not the second. I am sure all of the Suh Apologists in Detroit will give him the same benefit of the doubt when he is in Cleveland or New York next year. The only difference between other Lions fans and me is I just started hating him a little earlier than you did.

7:21: Grounding in the end zone for a safety. Hahahahhhhhahahaha. Is The Old Man still dead? Also, Aikman doesn’t think that should have been grounding. Why? I have no idea. Green Bay 30 Detroit 14 

7:24: An onside punt after a safety might be the best Lions play all day.

7:25: Stafford just missed Theo Riddick by ….. oh why the fuck am I still watching this debacle?

7:30: A couple of nice catches by Riddick. I’m glad they saved him for garbage time.

7:31: Touchdown catch by Riddick and a two-point conversion by Bell. It’s a one-possession game.

7:33: Well, the conversion was overturned so now the Lions are down ten points. The game is over. If it wasn’t ALREADY over before the team’s plane touched down in Wisconsin the other day. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.

Packers 30 Lions 20

Postscript:  After the game, Caldwell was in a testy mood and he took much of his anger out on Freep beat writer Dave Birkett. First, here was Caldwell’s response to a question by ESPN.com’s Michael Rothstein about the asinine failed challenge of the Lacy “fumble.”

Caldwell on challenge: It’s worth it – tough situation – chance that he hit the ball first as opposed to his arm first. — Tom Leyden (@TomLeyden) December 29, 2014

So, after the game, Caldwell STILL didn’t know the fucking rule!!!!! How long has this guy been in the NFL and he isn’t familiar with the rule book?

Still confused, Jimmy? Here is Mike P. with a VIDEO explanation …

Got it now, dummy?

Soon after that query, Birkett asked The Cigar Store Indian of a Head Coach why the Lions didn’t blitz Rodgers more considering he was obviously hampered by the calf injury.

Caldwell asked why not blitz hobbled Rodgers more. His response: You’re getting into areas you don’t know what you’re talking about.

— Justin Rogers (@Justin_Rogers) December 29, 2014

Caldwell just went full Schwartz on that reporter.

— Justin Rogers (@Justin_Rogers) December 29, 2014

Caldwell continued: “Do your homework, then maybe you can ask that question.” Congrats, you’ve had your Coors Light moment coach. — Justin Rogers (@Justin_Rogers) December 29, 2014

Let me get this straight. The man who just made an ass out of himself moments earlier when he clearly demonstrated he didn’t know the rules of the runner being down by contact insulted Birkett by telling him to “do his homework?”

Hahahahhahhhahhaahahha. How much “homework” was Birkett supposed to do before asking the simple question of whether it might have been more prudent to blitz a quarterback on ONE LEG more frequently in the biggest game the team has played in years? Maybe Dave needs to do some reading. He could start with the NFL rule book. 

So fucking funny …..

Caldwell: “It’s a new season…this new season is win or go home.” #TogetherWeHunt — Detroit Lions (@Lions) December 29, 2014

Well, at least this dolt knows THAT rule.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 29, 2014

The last time we checked in with Kate Ready — the Detroit Tigers’ Director of Media Relations — she was cockblocking me from the Dave Dombrowski season-ending press conference and reporting me to the Detroit Jewish News.

She has pretty much stayed off my radar since being very mean to me at Comerica Park, but that changed earlier this evening when she sent this INCREDIBLY tone deaf and moronic Tweet from her personal account ….

Of course, the $48 million to which Ready, Set, Say Something Stupid was referring is the salary Jim Harbaugh will reportedly earn as the head coach of the University of Michigan’s football program over the next six years.

And being that U of M is a PUBLIC university, the Tigers’ Propaganda Dominatrix somehow thought the taxpayers were going to foot the bill for Harbaugh to resurrect the Wolverines.

This obviously is not the case. Harbaugh is NOT going to cost the taxpayers of this state a plug nickel. The Michigan Athletic Department has a self-contained budget, so John Q. Public won’t be paying Jim anything to scheme plays against Nebraska.

Now, keep in mind that Miss Ready is an employee of Olympia Entertainment. Ya know, the company owned by the Ilitch Family. The people building that sparkly new hockey arena right down the street from the Tigers’ home ballpark.

Well, Bill Bradley of Deadspin.com, how is this new Red Wings Taj Mahal going to be financed?

The total price tag, including additional private investments in retail and housing, is an estimated $650 million, $284.5 million of which will come in the form of public investment.

Ok, ok, so $284.5 million is coming from public investment. Ya know, taxpayers. But this money couldn’t have been earmarked for something else more impactful than a new home for the Red Wings and their predominantly suburban Caucasian fans, right?

If you’re searching for something particularly craven in the complicated financing structure—that is, something other than the careless use of public money itself—look to where, exactly, the tax capture comes from. In December 2012, the Michigan legislature restored Detroit’s ability to levy school-tax funds from the downtown district for economic development purposes. If that $12.8 million annual gift weren’t going to the Ilitch empire, it would go to the state’s School Aid Fund.

Well, I know textbooks, computers and additional teachers aren’t as important as #fixtheroads, but what can I tell ya?

Look, I am pretty agnostic when it comes to public funding of stadiums. I don’t like the fact that taxpayers are expected to foot part of the bill when these billionaire owners can afford them on their own.

But I am also a realist and I know this is how the game is played. I am actually excited to see how this project impacts Downtown in conjunction with some of Dan Gilbert’s projects.  Also, I am not getting any younger. One day, someone is going to break their neck walking down those narrow steps at Joe Louis Arena.

I also don’t like pissing in a trough.

But how fucking dumb and tone deaf would you have to be to go on a social media platform and bitch about Harbaugh’s contract — which  won’t come out of taxpayer’s pockets anyway — when you are employed by a company that has its hand out to the tune of $284.5 million?!?!!?!?!?!??!

Money that would be used for schoolchildren if weren’t set aside for the future home of Anthony Mantha and Tomas Tatar.

I am asking you, Kate Ready!!!!! On behalf of the Detroit Jewish News.

What a clueless dolt.

Or as Ricky Roma famously said in “Glengarry Glen Ross” ……

You never open your mouth until you know what the shot is.

By Justin Spiro
SpiroJus@GMail.com
December 29, 2014

A few weeks ago on the DSR Facebook page, early handicapping for the Worst Detroit Media Personality Tournament began in earnest.

Without revealing too much, it is safe to say Lynn Henning will come in as a near prohibitive favorite to claim the dishonor, a worthy addition to a clubhouse featuring previous “winners” Michael Rosenberg and Terry Foster.

After extensive discussions with the DSR Elite, Henning’s status as the favorite was clearly without contention.

Don’t look now, but here comes Foster looking for a repeat.

Foster claimed the previous Worst Media Personality crown in a landslide, but has been relatively quiet in comparison to the other usual affronts to journalism (i.e. Henning, Vincent Goodwill, etc.). Simply put, Foster has been mostly under the radar.

Let’s not get it twisted. Foster HAS had a good season.

He laughably went on a crusade trying to get Cam Newton fined, suspended, and impaled for being a “racist”.

He decided ALS was a hilarious disease and that fighting it is dumb.

He continued to insist Foster’s Smokehouse turned a profit, even though the ownership group stiffed contractors and Uncle Sam alike.

But Foster’s season has been like Miguel Cabrera’s 2014 campaign. Sure, a .895 OPS is not bad, but we’ve seen better from the guy.

Then, Mariachi’s Cantina entered our lives. Jeff Moss has already covered the brutally racist décor, the manager quitting before the place opened, and the cringe-inducing decision by Foster to collaborate with Ryan Thierry on ANOTHER business endeavor.

You know, the same Ryan Thierry who allegedly put a well-respected contractor into a chokehold because he had the gall to politely request payment for services rendered.

The DSR recently obtained an exclusive photo of Thierry assaulting the poor contractor from the Harbaugh source.

What Moss has yet to comment on is the Yelp reviews of Mariachi’s Can’tpaytheirbills. Back in the day, we all got a real good chuckle over Foster’s Smokehouse and their pathetic 2-star rating on the well-known customer-driven website.

A DSR member reviewed his experience in which his son had become so ill from consuming Foster’s Microwavedhouse fare that a trip to the ER was considered. Somehow, that was one of the friendlier reviews.

Surely, things could not go any worse for Foster’s new restaurant. Or they could, because Foster is an absolute disaster of a human being with less business sense than Ralph Kramden and Gil Gunderson.

A quick review of the early Yelp reviews for Mariachi’s yields gut-busting (pun intended) returns.

There have been five reviews so far and they ALL have been for ONE STAR. Even when angry Michigan football fans organized an Amazon.com review sabotage of Michael Rosenberg’s book a few years back, they mixed in a couple of two-stars.

Multiple reviewers likened the food to a worse version of Taco Bell. There is a worse version of whatever Taco Bell is?

Being called a “worse version of Taco Bell” is like someone telling you that your voice is a “worse version” of Jeff Riger’s.

“I was then sick to my stomach the cheese was terrible it was like cafeteria cheese at my middle school we will never go back.”

To be fair to middle school cafeteria cheese, I ate it often and never felt sick.

“The shredded beef was a scary grey that made me feel as if it was canned or from some sort of frozen beefsteak.”

I am no Wolfgang Puck, but I am guessing that having your food described as “scary” is bad.

This house of culinary horrors could not last a week without people knocking each other over to post negative reviews. Or maybe they were trying to reach the nearest toilet. Either way, I find myself refreshing the Yelp page constantly, hoping for a new review to post. Not since Tracy Flick paced the hallways of Carver High has someone so eagerly awaited results trickling in.

What was the ONE thing that could revive Terry Foster’s bid to repeat as Worst Media Personality Champion? Another failed restaurant. Isn’t Foster the greatest?

Back in April, the DSR (ironically, in hindsight) paid a mariachi band to serenade Foster with “One Shining Moment” while he received the trophy for Worst Media Personality.

What will happen next? Could Foster have a 2nd “shining moment”? Can the mariachi band learn to play, “Oops, I Did it Again” in time for the next trophy presentation?

I am giddy with excitement.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 30, 2014

I woke up Monday morning to a deluge of social media mentions and emails alerting me to a colossal fuckup on the front page of the print edition of the Detroit Free Press.

It would seem that some poor Freep staffer mistakenly placed the wrong Harbaugh over the masthead regarding a headline about JIM Harbaugh becoming U of M’s new football coach. Instead of the former 49er coach’s grill splashed across the major daily ……..

….. yeah, that’s Jim’s brother, JOHN. The head coach of the Baltimore Ravens. It would seem that a lot of my readers and minions thought I was going to lose my mind over this mistake and go apeshit over the “egregious” error.

There were many commenters claiming this excusable but embarrassing mistake was some referendum on why newspapers were dying …..

Haha Detroit Free Press getting the wrong Harbaugh is just another sign that print media is dying…..

— Matthew Levine (@M_levine54) December 29, 2014

No, this wasn’t some bellwether regarding the current business model of the print media. If anything, it was probably a sad reminder of how much the paper misses the late Steve Anderson, who meticulously designed the Freep’s front page for years. Anderson treated the front page like yeshiva bocher’s treat the Torah.

One of my biggest issues with some of the national-media critique websites (The Big Lead, Awful Announcing, etc.) is that a lot of times, in a quest for the almighty web-click, they take the path of least resistance and make a mountain out of a molehill as in this Jim/John Harbaugh kerfuffle.

A lot of readers love clicking on links where the promise of a screwed-up graphic or a wrong score is guaranteed, like this one of Bryce “Hunter” …

Fewer members of the audience are captivated by a 2,500-word expose on the systemic issues involving modern-day print- and broadcast media which is why I basically ignored the Brothers Harbaugh Faux Pas.

Of course, this goof spread like wildfire because this error is something many can relate to. Hell, my sister texted me to tell me that this HUGE ISSUE was mentioned on the local news.

In CHICAGO, where she lives.

I am sorry, but I am not going to fall for the Okie-Doke. If you want to know why the Freep is a relic and a dying entity you might want to delve into issues like the paper losing Pulitzer winners to local television (M.L. Elrick) or, for that matter, just peruse the sports section on any given day.

The REAL story that’s not going to make it to Deadspin, WKBK-4 in the Windy City or go viral is this paper’s continued insistence on publishing Dr. Football articles by Mitch Albom; its cynicism in employing a disingenuous troll in Drew Sharp for cheap heat; its promotion of a poor man’s Michael Rosenberg to columnist (Jeff Seidel); and its going on the cheap and handing the most important bea(s)t writer position to a morally-compromised imbecile.

Instead of focusing on the paper employing a cheerleader on the Red Wings beat in Helene Scarf James; a total buffoon covering the Pistons (Vincent Ellis); and other morons like Shawn “Jared from Subway” Windsor handling miscellaneous duties, we get “The Case of the Mistaken Harbaugh.”

Unfortunately, until the Dave Birketts, Joe Rexrodes and Brian Manzullos outnumber Jamie Samuelsen, Frodo Albom, PT Cruising Fenech and Not the Sharpest Drew, people are going to continue to refrain from purchasing the print edition and will look to alternative sites to get their local sports info.

If you turn out a shit product on a daily basis, your business model will suffer and it will have nothing to do with Bernie’s Bloopers.

Hell, if I were the publisher of the Detroit Free Press, I’d run my own version of the Billy Ripken error card on a daily basis …..

Anything to keep the focus off why the paper REALLY sucks ass.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 4, 2015

The last thing I wanted to do today was write an article about the passing of ESPN anchor Stuart Scott. We are just a few hours away from Halley’s Comet passing through our atmosphere, errrr, I mean a Lions postseason game and I really should get prepared for it.

But unfortunately, I feel I need to address the firestorm that the following Tweet created and I need more than 140 characters to do so ……

Let’s all do that thing now where we act like a good majority of us didn’t think Stuart Scott was TERRIBLE.

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) January 4, 2015

There are a few things I would like to say about that missive but one of them will NOT be an apology ….

1) The original intent of that Tweet wasn’t even a commentary on Stuart Scott’s anchoring skills – which I didn’t enjoy – but the nauseating social media rush to be the first person to wish thoughts, prayers and hashtag RIP to the latest celebrity who has died and turn them into the greatest thing ever.

That kind of canonization should be reserved for the true greats like Phillip Seymour Hoffman and …… ummmmmm …… Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

2) By commenting that Scott wasn’t my cup of tea doesn’t mean I am trivializing his death. Truth is, I value life more than most because I am an atheist who doesn’t believe in fairy tales like “he is in a better place” or that said dead person is frolicking in heaven with their loved ones. And now, according to the Pope, … THEIR PETS.

I am sad for his family and children — like I am when ANYONE dies — but I have no idea why, if his fans are allowed to comment that he was the greatest anchor ever, I am not allowed to present a rebuttal.

If it is in poor taste to comment on his PROFESSIONAL life while his body is still warm instead of praising him for being a great dad and son, why not vilify all of the folks in my timeline who weren’t just focusing on his how he raised his daughters?

Stuart Scott was always great on Sportscenter. Such a bummer. Cancer is the worst. #RIP

— JD Harmeyer (@jdharm) January 4, 2015

It’s ballsy to challenge your medium. It’s triumphant to bring it to a better place. Stuart Scott did both. He elevated our discourse. RIP.

— Kirk Goldsberry (@kirkgoldsberry) January 4, 2015

Many of us have grown up to the legend that is Stuart Scott! He was one of those few people/idols that… http://t.co/kbcCkmS4L4 — Chris Paul (@CP3) January 4, 2015

I grew up watching Stuart Scott before heading off to school. When you think ESPN, you think of him. RIP — Ben Verlander (@Verly32) January 4, 2015

The problem that people seem to have is that my comments are coming on the day of his death. So it would have been okay for me to state two days ago that I thought Stuart Scott’s schtick was awful when he was in the last days of his suffering?

Or it would be okay to wait two weeks to bitch that I believe Stuart Scott “Billy Bush’d” and “Entertainment Tonight’d” Sportscenter with his antics? Or that I despised his athlete worship during interviews and that his ass-kissing of superstars irrevocably changed one of my favorite shows on television?

I mean, I am not a member of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting outside his funeral. I made a fairly innocuous Tweet and ,the last time I checked, Taelor and Sydni Scott weren’t among my suddenly dwindling follower list.

If your argument is that Stuart Scott’s family might see my comments, well ….. where the fuck are their priorities? I heavily doubt they are monitoring Twitter today for anyone who thought their loved one wasn’t a very good anchor. Yep. I didn’t think he was as good as Craig Kilborn, Keith Olbermann, Tom Mees or Bob Ley.

OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!

3) While you are preparing the cross to nail me to because I had the audacity to say that I didn’t like Stuart Scott as an anchor on the day he died, can we discuss the disease that killed him for a moment? Ya know, the real villain?

There is a 1 in 2 chance an American male will get cancer. 1 in 3 for women. Let’s kick its butt. Double cancer research. Now — Paul Begala (@PaulBegala) January 4, 2015

We spend $7.4 billion on Halloween; $5 billion on cancer research. Let’s double research funding and make cancer history. Please. — Paul Begala (@PaulBegala) January 4, 2015

There are a lot of scenes in the movie “Independence Day” that I think are not credible. But the most outrageous is this thought that if aliens attacked the White House and the Capitol Records building all of Earth’s countries would unite to fight the common opponent.

It’s bullshit. You want to know how I know it is bullshit? Cancer is killing TONS more people than the little green aliens from “Mars Attacks” and nobody is doing jack shit about it. 

Instead of collaborating to battle a PLAGUE that is going to kill all of us one day, we instead spend trillions devising ways to kill each other.

We already have enough nuclear weapons to wipe everything off this planet yet our defense budget still totally dwarfs cancer research. If there were a GOD — spoiler alert …. there is not — IT would be laughing its ass off at the way we throw money at figuring out ways to kill each other rather than lengthening the lifespan to 200. 

You want to be pissed off at something on the day of Stuart Scott’s death? Don’t get angry at a meaningless blogger who didn’t like Stu’s awful catchphrases. Be up in arms that we spend more money on Butterfingers and Smarties every year than on CANCER RESEARCH!!!!!

I’m sorry that I am not a hypocrite and I don’t think there should be a waiting period before you can comment on the dearly departed. Actually, I am not.

I am just wondering how many of the social media zombies who ran on to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter to gush about Stuart Scott voted for him in the Deadspin “Whom Do You Hate” in Bristol bracket years ago?  

Yep, that was the FINAL!!!! And I am out of line for stating the guy wasn’t universally beloved? And I am sure if Skip Bayless or Rush Limbaugh or Piers Morgan died this morning there would be the same public outcry about my Tweets stating that I wasn’t a fan of their work.

Shut the fuck up if you truly believe that. At last count, I have lost over 300 followers today — I am not sure how I will ever get over this public backlash — and my mentions (both direct and otherwise) have been a thing of beauty ……  

@JeffMossDSR what a pathetic sob u are

— Justin hawk (@Jhawk21blue) January 4, 2015

@MichaelNachman @JeffMossDSR Look at his bio.He’s a moron.At least Sharp fakes his stupidity. This guy is actually a moron.

— Steven Cullen (@StevenCullen3) January 4, 2015

Stfu faggot “@JeffMossDSR: Let’s all do that thing now where we act like a good majority of us didn’t think Stuart Scott was TERRIBLE.”

— Coco (@Sir_Coco_) January 4, 2015

@JeffMossDSR if say u were an inconsiderate lowlife.

— Joshua Fisher (@gobrownies23) January 4, 2015

@JeffMossDSR or shall I say negative attention is better than sittin n ur parents basement naked eatin cheetos wonderin y ur dick is orange

— B (@bsteffen460) January 4, 2015

@JFunk2800 @JeffMossDSR Will never understand how people like you exist.

— Justin Love (@meh_j) January 4, 2015

@JeffMossDSR You should probably call a specialist to get your head out your ass. The guys a legend show some respect dumbfuck

— ShmoneyShav⚡️ (@reeshav_patel) January 4, 2015

@GABrownsGuy @JeffMossDSR Absolutely no respect.The man just DIED!Youre in very small minority who felt he”was terrible”.An ICON to most smh

— God Hates Cleveland (@JimWalker13) January 4, 2015

Jeff Moss is a piece of shit & people are shocked? He’s always been scum & bad at his “job”. Don’t feed into his BS.

— Tophs (@TopherThinks) January 4, 2015

Jeff Moss got blocked from various sports journalists….dude is straight scum

— NFC East Champs 12-4 (@lovejazzy94) January 4, 2015

If I was Jeff Moss I would’ve already killed myself so kudos to him.

— The 313 Blog (@The313Blog) January 4, 2015

If I ever meet Jeff Moss I promise I will punch the shit out of his fat face. #Coward #Punk #Pussy #BuysFollowers #Idiot #SearchesHisOwnName

— Man (@EdwinInTheCity) January 4, 2015

Seriously everyone, unfollow or block Jeff Moss. What a miserable human being.

— HarbaughReturns! (@Skeets24) January 4, 2015

Jeff Moss is fucking scum. Zero class. Fuck him. Fucking loser who hides behind a keyboard.

— Dr. Loomis (@dloomis24) January 4, 2015

@AndrewSWelch we need to get a mass Jeff moss report for spam campaign going breh

— Boney (@__boney) January 4, 2015

@AndrewSWelch we need to amass to large group of people to do it all at once

— Boney (@__boney) January 4, 2015

OHHHHHH the fake outrage!!!! I am such an animal for pointing out that I didn’t like his contrived taglines and didn’t think he was a “legend” or one of the best to ever work behind the Sportscenter desk.

Look, when I finally drop dead, please don’t rush to Twitter saying I was a great guy or Tweet false platitudes. My family won’t give a fuck and I will be dead, so I surely won’t care.

Not that, after reading the above mentions from today, I think THAT will be an issue!!!!!

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 5, 2015

The NFL linesman who decided to go all “12 Angry Men” on the rest of the officiating crew and convinced referee Pete Morelli to overturn the pass interference call on Dallas’ Anthony Hitchens yesterday during the Lions/Cowboys playoff matchup is a real winner.

Thanks to one of my Twitter followers (@yoyomo007) I was pointed in the direction of Tea Party nutbag Jerry Bergman’s Facebook page.

And this little piece of the Internet that Bergman has carved out for himself is quite astonishing. If you believe that Ronald Reagan was one of the Founding Fathers, immigrants are all feeding at the public trough and Deanna Favre is more qualified to be President of the USA than Hillary Clinton because she is “hotter.”

Here are a few of this psychopath’s Facebook posts over the last couple of years ….

Bergman was VERY excited about the GOP taking back the Senate this past November ….

Is it appropriate for an NFL linesman to publicly mock a player who he is going to be officiating soon on a social media platform? …..

Jerry is not a big fan of Wiz Khalifa, either …..

Well, I guess looking for new land to start a fresh country is better than the old adage of “sending them all back to Africa where they came from.”

“We are now in the minority.”

Ya gotta believe me ….

Ummmm …….

Here is his brilliant take on Hillary Clinton’s qualifications ….

And finally, Bergman thought this Australian Tea Party post was worthy of sharing with his friends …..

If it wasn’t bad enough that the Lions got effed by Bergman — not unlike the donkey above — it turns out that the guy is a racist, xenophobic shitface.

Good to know!!!!

#1PlayoffWinIn57Years

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 4, 2015

I have been alive for a grand total of 15,451 days. I have viewed the fall of communism; the election of an African-American President; the invention of an artificial heart; the advent of cable television and the Internet; and the destruction of the World Trade Center.

What I have not seen during those 15,451 days on Planet Earth is a Detroit Lions playoff victory on the road.

What I have witnessed the following in playoff road games for the NFL team I was cursed to follow: blowouts in the nation’s capital on THREE occasions; Eddie Murray shanking the one pressure kick in his Lions career in San Fran; Barry Sanders rushing for negative yardage at Lambeau Field; a humiliation of epic proportions as a road FAVORITE in Philly; humongous loser Scott Mitchell FAKING an injury in Tampa; and Drew Brees desecrating our secondary like he was playing Mattel Electronic football.

The team is 0-8 in road postseason tilts since I was born and most can be remembered for some hilarious pratfall. And while I don’t think that streak is going to end today with the Lions as six-point underdogs, I figured if they do the unthinkable I should be here to chronicle it.

Even though doing these “diaries” is horrible. Not that I am comparing myself to Anne Frank but this shit is laborious. I didn’t finish editing last Sunday’s Green Bay play-by-play until nearly 3am; I can see why Bill Simmons stopped doing them.

Well, that and he is too busy provoking his bosses to fire him …when he is not penning 5,000-word articles about a league (the NBA) nobody cares about.

And away we go ………

4:41: The Lions are kicking off this afternoon which means Ndamukong Suh will have the first chance to do commit a suspendible offense as opposed to Dominic Raiola. I am not saying a lot of idiots come out of Nebraska but the sequel to the Alexander Payne film of the same name will feature Bruce Dern stomping on Will Forte’s leg.

4:44: A horrible start for Tony Romo (1-3 in his postseason career) as he throws a “Stafford” over the head of an open receiver on 3rd and 7, forcing the Cowboys to punt. Nice three-and-out for the second ranked defense in the NFL.

4:45: Golden Tate makes his first punt return of the season and promptly gets “Baylor Bear kicker’d” by Dallas’ C.J. Spillman just yards away from the site of Thursday’s attempted homicide.

4:45: Whoa! The first Lions offensive play from scrimmage is a pass instead of a run up the middle. Of course, it is a short Reggie Bush catch masquerading as a run for zero yards.

4:47: Tate doesn’t need to Tweet that he is still alive because he just gave proof of life by catching a Matthew Stafford pass and taking it to the house for a 51-yard touchdown.

It was imperative for this woeful offense to get off to a good start and they did just that.

Lions 7 Cowboys 0

4:49: Tate and DeMarco Murray are on the field and Joseph Fauria is watching from a suite. A Lions victory would guarantee a matchup next week in Seattle versus Rusty Wilson. I am not sure if that potential game should be called by Joe Buck or Joey Greco …. the host of “Cheaters.”

4:53: On 3rd and 10, Italian Matt Stafford completes a pass to Cole Beasley for a first down.

4:55: Beasley can’t bail the Cowboys out this time as an awful Romo throw leads to another Dallas punt.

4:56: The Cowboys get a lucky bounce on a shanked punt and — combined with a half-the-distance personal foul penalty against the Lions — this drive is going to start about a pubic hair short of the goal line.

5:00: A couple of runs and an incomplete pass to Bush means Sam Martin has to punt from his own end zone. Obviously, Martin learned how to act from his pal David Arquette this past offseason and gets rewarded with a running into the punter flag. First down Lions.

5:04: Stafford runs for a huge first down after dodging a tackle from a small cornerback. Somewhere, Mitchell is wondering why Stafford didn’t fall down before the marker and then fake a brain injury. And by somewhere, I am talking about an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

5:07: We are at commercial and Fox is drilling us with ads for their new Terrance Howard vehicle, “Empire.” I am pretty sure it’s about a hip-hop impresario, which is pretty disappointing.

I’d rather “Empire” have been solely about what went down in “The Empire Strikes Back” when the doors closed in the DINING ROOM of Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City. I mean, whose idea was it to invite Han and Leia to the DINING ROOM? Ok, so it was a ruse to get them there to meet Vader and Boba Fett, but why the fuck did Lord Vader sit down at the head of the table?

Were they about to break bread? Could Anakin Skywalker even eat normal food with his daughter and future son-in-law through that contraption? And what about Boba Fett? Did he ever take that helmet off to dine?

Come on people, this has been driving me crazy now for 33 years!!!!

5:08: A combination of a Joique Bell run and and a reception has the Leos down to the Cowboys’ 21. It seems that Bell has been playing better lately now that fellow Wayne State alum Casey Kasem finally received a proper burial.

5:11: WHOA! The Corpse of Reggie Bush runs 21 yards to paydirt and the Lions look like they are clicking on all cylinders. The last time we saw the USC product make moves like that he still had both his Heisman Trophy and Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Lions 14 Cowboys 0

What is going on here? Why hasn’t Rod Serling replaced Chris Myers on the sideline?

5:14: No, really, did Vader try to make small-talk with Solo? Did he ask him if there was any turbulence on the Millennium Falcon on the flight in? What the fuck did they sit down to talk about?!?!?!?

Were there appetizers?

God damn it all, Lucas.

5:18: Romo fumbles after getting crushed by Ziggy Ansah and Darryl Tapp at the same time but Dallas recovers. A turnover there and the rout might have been on.

5:19: Jason Jones gets a large piece of the ball on a 3rd-and-12 pass but Jason Witten still incredibly catches the ball for a first down.

5:22: The Lions blitz and Romo is sacked by James Ihedigbo. Two things we didn’t see much of last week. Blitzing and James Ihedigbo.

5:23: On 3rd and 19, Romo throws another awful pass which leads to another punt by the home team. I am starting to get a little concerned because #2PlayoffWinsIn57Years really does not have much of a ring to it. But the Lions are dominating this game.

5:28: Tate gains another first down with a catch to his own 31 on third down.

5:29: Another bullet by Stafford, this time to Calvin Johnson. Has Joe Lombardi been sandbagging us all year long and didn’t want to release the hounds until the playoffs?

5:31: Umm, maybe not. A Lions drive finally sputters. It is still 14-0 Lions and you couldn’t ask for much more from the six seed up to this point.

5:33: My first Tweet of the game as I am trying to go relatively Twitter silent while I write this blog …….

Just a reminder: I am enjoying this Lions playoff game and William Clay Ford, Sr. is not.

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) January 4, 2015

5:34: “Spray Tan” finally gets his Coppertone on as he bursts through the Lions’ defensive line for a gain of 18 yards.

5:36: It’s 3rd and 3 and here comes another Witten reception for a first down. Who has been together longer at this point, Romo and Witten or Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara?

5:38: Another jailbreak gets Romo. The Lions have officially blitzed more this afternoon than they did during the entire Jim Schwartz regime. And then on 3rd and 15, Romo short-arms a pass. The defense is playing outstanding and Romo looks like Frank Tanana …. after all of the arm surgeries.

5:39: Jeremy Ross dodges a huge bullet as he drops the punt but, luckily, gets it back. With the way the offense and defense are playing it would seem only something idiotic on special teams or a dumb turnover could get Dallas back in this game.

5:43: The Fox cameras catch Joe Lombardi picking his nose. Fucking gross. I am not sure if this is a coincidence but the Lions offense is called for a delay of game. Did Lombardi prioritize clearing away snot over getting the play in to #9?

Insert your own forced and awful Matt Dery/Tom Mazawey “Seinfield” joke here.

5:44: A horrible drive by Detroit — showing no killer instinct whatsoever — leads to a punt. But Dallas is doing their best Lions impression as they take a holding penalty. Instead of starting this crucial drive with good field position, they will commence it at their own 26.

5:48: We have reached the two-minute warning. Did Leia bring up to Vader his blowing up her HOME planet of Alderaan at that dining room table? I mean, talk about awkward.

5:52: A 3rd-and-2 completion by Romo is negated by a very questionable offensive pass interference call on Terrance Williams. It would appear the Lions are using up 56 years of good fortune in the first half of this game.

5:53: Well, Williams obviously didn’t like that bullshit call – or his alma mater losing to the Spartans on this same field on Thursday — as he burns the Lions defense for a 76-yard touchdown catch on the very next play. The one thing Teryl Austin’s unit couldn’t do there is give up a big play and that is exactly what they did.

Look, the last time the Lions won a postseason game on the ROAD, Dwight Eisenhower was in office and Riley Reiff and Larry Warford wouldn’t have been able to pee in the same bathroom in Alabama.

And not because neither were born yet. If you are going to break a streak that predates the moon landing, you gotta play mistake-free.

Lions 14 Cowboys 7

5:56: The Leos start this drive at their own 20 with all three timeouts. They better not fuck around and get conservative. Get some fucking points back!!!

5:57: The Theo Riddick Experience is in the ballgame which means good things are happening. Two catches out of the backfield for Riddick as the Cowboys foolishly are playing a prevent.

5:59: Well, there goes the prevent defense as the Cowboys blitz Stafford — which leaves Megatron wide open for a first down. You have to love the Lions’ coaching staff not playing it safe on this drive. If you want to win on the road in the postseason, you can’t play scared™ (Gym Shorts) or go into a shell.

First down at the Dallas 41.

6:01: Tate makes a nice play to get the first down by stretching the ball past the marker even though the on-field referee doesn’t see it. Hopefully the review booth will correct this [Trout] awful spot.

6:02: Due to a ridiculous delay, Justin Rogers of MLive.com advises on Twitter that the call is overturned a good 25 seconds before Fox’s broadcast provides the news. Janet Jackson’s tit and Tweetdeck have ruined the spontaneity in sports!!!

6:05: Whoa. Bruce Carter nearly intercepts a horribly-advised Stafford pass to Johnson in triple coverage. Kelly B. Hall is picking up her iPhone to Instagram that Bruce Carter never should have been in that position in the first place and that none of this was her fiancé’s fault.

6:06: After icing Matt Prater themselves, the Lions kicker BARELY sneaks the pigskin inside the left goalpost. BTW, has anyone else noticed that Prater looks a lot like Nick Swardson? Fitting, since Adam Sandler hasn’t produced a good movie since the last time the Lions won a playoff game.

Lions 17 Cowboys 7

6:14: For the second week in a row, I failed to get either Prince, Aerosmith or Kelly Clarkson to perform for you at halftime, so the following shall serve as your entertainment ….

The DSR’s second-in-command, Justin Spiro, has spent the last week in Dallas. First, he watched his beloved Spartans make an incredible comeback to defeat Baylor in the Cotton Bowl and he is in attendance at today’s Lions-Cowboys game.

Unfortunately, there was a four-day gap between the two contests and it would appear that Spy got bored as you can only visit Southfork and the place where JFK got gunned down so many times.

So what did @DarkoStateNews do to pass the time? He bizarrely created a story last night that he somehow recorded a version of the Lions fight song, “Gridiron Heroes,” with the team’s shill hype man, Theo Spight. Why did Spiro do this? I have no fucking clue, but it was hilarious nonetheless.

Do you like @GridironGoLions? He and I partnered up to record a great version of Gridiron Heroes. Tweet at me if you want to buy a copy. — Darko (@DarkoStateNews) January 3, 2015

Only $10 for the Gridiron Heroes CD, sung by @GridironGoLions. Honored to colloborate with Theo. Tweet at me.

— Darko (@DarkoStateNews) January 3, 2015

@DarkoStateNews I’ll take a copy. I just love @GridironGoLions voice, it’s magical. — Chris Steimel (@Cdsred) January 3, 2015

Thank you to @davebirkett for his purchase of @GridironGoLions and my recording of the #GridironHeroes. Dave believed in thls project.

— Darko (@DarkoStateNews) January 4, 2015

DSR contributor and Lions hype man @GridironGoLions will be sitting with me at the game tomorrow in Dallas. Stop by and say hello! — Darko (@DarkoStateNews) January 4, 2015

@DarkoStateNews it was a lot of fun meeting @GridironGoLions at the DSR Christmas party two weeks ago! Better guy in person.

— Matt (@MP_Gestalt) January 4, 2015

@GridironGoLions and I have decided to donate $1 to the Jimmy V Foundation for every copy we sell of #GridironHeroes. Order yours now. — Darko (@DarkoStateNews) January 4, 2015

Of course, the grown man who calls himself “Gridiron” wasn’t exactly thrilled with being linked to the DetroitSportsRag, which made this nonsensical bit even more hilarious:

@JeffMossDSR @DarkoStateNews This is a blatant lie and I do not appreciate being a part of whatever scam this is!!!

— Theo Gridiron Spight (@GridironGoLions) January 3, 2015

@JeffMossDSR @DarkoStateNews Say whatever about me, as long as it’s the truth. This is a lie. This is disgusting.

— Theo Gridiron Spight (@GridironGoLions) January 3, 2015

I’ll say this once and once only. I don’t get down with DSR. That’s not how I wanna make a name for myself. They are lying. — Theo Gridiron Spight (@GridironGoLions) January 4, 2015

I am not sure why this is so god damn hilarious to me but I laugh every single time I read this shit.

Anyway, back to the game ……

6:22: The first offensive play of the second half results in a Kyle Wilber interception after the ball was tipped at the line of scrimmage. The ball was in the air for so long that Wilber could have watched tonight’s episode of “Downton Abbey” on the enormous video board above him while waiting for it to come down.

And the Season 5 debut is supposedly 75 minutes long!!!

6:25: After two inconsequential Dallas running plays, Ziggy Ansah sacks Romo. This is the Scott Linehan we all know and love. At least he isn’t picking his nose though.

Also, Ansah just became my favorite Ziggy, surpassing Ziggy Sobotka from Season 2 of “The Wire.” Maybe next season — when Ndamukong Suh leaves via free-agency — they can replace him with Frank Sobotka’s son’s duck.

6:25: After the Ansah sack, the most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history (Dan Bailey) misses a 41-yard field goal. The Lions dodge a huge bullet there. Is this really going to finally happen for us?

6:29: Brandon Pettigrew with a first-down catch. I actually forgot he was still on the team. What other Lions TE is going to catch a pass before Eric Ebron does this afternoon? Charlie Sanders? Rob Rubick? Can we get the Arlington authorities to issue an Amber Alert for Ebron?

6:31: Calvin Johnson with a 28-yard catch to the Cowboys’ 26 yard line. The good news is the Lions might win this game, the bad news is we’d be compelled to listen to more Aikman and Buck.

6:33: 3rd and 3 from the DAL 21. Detroit could have put the game away here but Tate falls down on his route, leading to a Grandma’s Boy field goal from 37 yards.

Lions 20 Cowboys 7

6:37: Who is creepier, 97.1’s Dan Leach or Larry the Dr. Pepper concession guy who has an unhealthy obsession with the NCAA National Championship trophy? I was told that Leach was discussing both giving girls “Pearl Necklaces” and having threesomes while filling in for Mike Stone on WXYT the other day.

Yep, Leach by first-round KO.

And I am pretty sure the Dr. Pepper dude is a pederast.

6:39: Linehan sure isn’t giving up on the run; DeMarco barrels through the Lions’ line for couple of first downs.

6:41: Wait, Teryl Austin is 49??!!?!? If you would have set the over/under on his age at 41, I would not have hesitated to go under. Has anyone ever waited until their almost 50 years old to get their first coordinator job and then jumped to a head coaching position the next season? I gotta say no. If Austin does get the Bills or 49ers gig he should have to give Suh a 10% annual royalty.

6:42: Dez Bryant finally makes an appearance; he gets the ball down to the 8 after a Tate-esque run-after-catch. The next play is a TD run by Spray Tan but a Witten holding call negates it. It would appear that William Clay Ford, Sr. is using ALL of his collateral with St. Peter this afternoon.

6:43: Beasley with another crucial catch as he burns Mohammed Seisay down the middle of the field; the Cowboys now have 2nd and goal from the three yard line. Say, Say What You Want But Don’t Play Games With My Affection is terrible. Didn’t want to trade down and draft a cornerback, Mayhew?

6:46: Suh tackles Murray short of the goal line on third down, but the defense can’t stop Spray Tan on fourth down as the running back prances into the end zone.

Lions 20 Cowboys 14

I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this ….

…… is something Han Solo most likely said in that Dining Room while eating pork chops with a galactic bounty hunter from outer space.

6:48: According to this commercial, the Dodge Boys left Ford Motor Company because they didn’t believe in the assembly line. It would have been a much better story if they broke away from Henry Ford tentacles because they couldn’t tolerate his virulent anti-Semitism.

6:51: Scott “The Gator” Anderson is about the same age as I am. He has never seen either a Lions road playoff victory or a female’s vagina in person. With just a few minutes left in the third quarter — and the Lions with both the lead AND the ball — it’s like the prostitute just took off her skirt. We are getting close, WHALE!!!!!

6:53: Call off the Amber Alert!!!! Call off the Amber Alert!!! We have found Eric Ebron. An eight-yard catch sets up a monumental 3rd-and-2.

6:53: A horribly-constructed pass play to Bush leads to another three-and-out. What an awful response from Joe Lombardi there. In fairness to Lombardi though, he MIGHT have had a booger lodged really deep in his nasal passage.

Play-calling like that is why this team has gone 57 years without winning a road postseason game. Well, that and they were run by a imbecilic drunk for that entire span.

The Cowboys will be getting the ball back with a chance to take their first lead.

6:55: Beasley AGAIN!! A 19-yard reception against this piece of trash, Seisay. Meanwhile, Seisay just became my most hated Mohammed, passing Atta.

6:57:

Put four fingers in the air. It’s the fourth quarter. @Lions #Cowboys

— Justin Rose (@JRoseWXYZ) January 4, 2015

Can you imagine? WXYZ-7 hired a bigger fan boy than Brad Galli. How is that even POSSIBLE? It would be like the Lions hiring a more incompetent GM than Matt Millen.

Look, if I have to keep seeing Rod Marinelli on the opponent’s sideline, I am getting in my obligatory shot at Millen.

7:00: White-Trash Wes Welker catches another pass and this time Tahir Whitehead launches himself at the receiver’s head and gets a 15-yard penalty tacked on. First down from the Lions’ 18 for Dallas. This shit is starting to fall apart.

7:01: Suh spends more time chasing Romo around the field than Ross did Rachel in the first season of “Friends” and he finally pulls down the Dallas QB. I guess Tony is Ndamukong’s lobster. 

7:02: Suh sacks Romo AGAIN and now the most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history is lining up for a 51-yard attempt.

7:03: The lead is now down to three as Bailey drills this one. If the Lions win this game, you can thank “Next Question” for that series.

7:05: Oh, my lord. Ross is AWFUL. He idiotically decides to return a kick out of the end zone and gets tackled at the five. Booger Lombardi proceeds to shock everyone in attendance with a Bell run for negative one yard.

7:07: Corey Fuller catches a Stafford pass for a 21-yard gain which might end up being the play of the day.

7:09: 3rd and 8 and CalJo catches a perfect Stafford ball for a very important first down.

7:10: A couple of run plays set up what might be the biggest 3rd-and-1 play in our lifetimes as Lions fans.

7:11: A play-action to Pettigrew?!?!??!? Oy vey. Well, the Cowboys never could have seen that one coming. The biggest play of the season and Lombardi has Stafford throw the ball downfield to a dude who had TEN receptions for 70 yards ALL SEASON LONG!!!!

Seriously, Pettigrew only had 70 more yards of offense this season than Roary.

Thankfully, defender Anthony Hitchens both face-guarded and interfered with Pettigrew, leading to a pass interference call.

7:12 Ummm, the refs just picked up the flag. What? I have been watching football for many years and I can’t recall the officials ever picking up a flag THAT LATE.

The Lions just totally got fucked. I am neither a Lions slap nor do I believe in any NFL conspiracies –- if the fix was in, why did they call Witten for that insignificant holding penalty earlier? — but this is reprehensible.

It was a penalty. They called it. They marked off the yardage. And THEN they decided to reverse course and pick up the flag? It’s unprecedented. It is unheard of.

Vince McMahon, Tim Donaghy and Arnold Rothstein couldn’t concoct such a fraudulent turn of events with Earl Hebner acting as their stooge. 

We’ve had to suffer through the Laimbeer Phantom Foul; the Brandon Inge Game 163 ignored hit-by-pitch; the bullshit penalty on Pavel Datsyuk in Game 5 of the 2007 Conference Finals versus the Ducks; and now, THIS?????

We’re like Cleveland — just with eight more recent titles. 

7:13: Well, after that nonsense, it is now 4th and 1 and the offense is on the field. Obviously, if you throw the ball downfield on 3rd and 1 to a tight end with ten receptions on the season, you surely have to go for it on 4th and 1.

Annnnddddd of course, this was just posturing; Caldwell only had the offense on the field in an attempt to draw the Cowboys offside. Yeah, like nobody saw that coming.

You can talk all you want about the picked-up flag, but you can’t blame the refs for not going for this 4th and 1. You haven’t won a fucking playoff game in 23 years and you are going to punt …. IN THIS SITUATION!?!?!?!?

I have maintained all year that a horrid Caldwell in-game decision is going to cost the Lions in a HUGE GAME and here we are.

7:14: After the Comatose Cigar Store Indian’s cowardly decision to not go for it on 4th and 1, Martin shanks a 10-yard punt. THIS is how you go 56 years with only one playoff win ………..

You compound a bad officiating decision with a WORSE coach’s call and then execute a punt that could have been exceeded by Tom Cruise’s character in “Born on the Fourth of July.”

I guess Patricia Arquette is the one who taught Sam Martin how to punt in crucial situations. Like, how do you muff THAT? It’s reminiscent of Jose Iglesias booting an easy ground ball in the ninth inning of Game 2 of the 2013 ALCS.

7:17: DeMarco Murray picks up a first down. Here we go ….

7:21: On 4th and 6, Jason Witten is left WIDE OPEN and catches a 21-yard pass own to the Lions’ 21. I am not sure why Jason Garrett didn’t either punt or try to draw the Lions offside.

7:22: White-Trash Eric Decker is held by Don Carey. Another first down for the Cowboys.

7:25: On 3rd and 5, a defensive holding penalty is called on DeAndre Levy. No question that was the right call as it was a very similar situation to the hold that wasn’t called Thursday, leading to Connor Cook’s atrocious interception.

7:26: The Cowboys are now down to the Lions’ 3 yard line on a Murray run.

7:28: After a false start penalty pushes Dallas back to the 8 yard line, Romo connects with Williams in the back of the end zone for a TD pass. The meltdown is complete as the Cowboys have now scored 17 unanswered points.

Cowboys 24 Lions 20

7:29: After the Williams touchdown, the Fox cameras catch New Jersey governor and notorious obese slob Chris Christie celebrating with Jerry Jones in the owner’s suite.

Why is a Jersey-born-and-bred fatso rooting for the Cowboys anyhow? A GOP presidential candidate hasn’t won the Michigan electoral votes since the original George Bush did back in 1988, so Christie just went from having zero chance to win our state in 2016 to something even less than that.

7:30: Seriously, if Christie gets the GOP nomination, I just want Hillary to run an ad in Michigan showing that jiggling Christie slob stomping all over the hearts of the Mitten State’s voters in that suite.

Nothing about policy, Bridge-Gate or anything else. Just a continuous loop of his man boobs flopping in the air while he hugs Jerry Jones.

7:34: The Lions start their final drive on the Dallas 20.

Matt Stafford has a cap hit of $43 million over the next two seasons. EARN YOUR MONEY NOW.

7:35: I can’t believe what I just saw. Stafford fumbles (that part I believe), the Cowboys recover and then some oafish defensive lineman fumbles again and the Lions recover.

So, not only do the Lions get the ball back with a chance to still win the game, they get a FIRST DOWN out of the ordeal.

27 more breaks like that and the Lions will be even for the picked-up flag. And, after that comedy of errors, we have reached the two-minute warning. I think we are all going to need this timeout to catch our breath.

7:39: A pair of catches from Ebron and Tate and the Lions are moving the ball downfield.

7:40: For at least the fifth time today, Buck mentions that Stafford is from Highland Park, Texas. It would have been a better story if Stafford grew up in Highland Park, MICHIGAN.

Of course, he wouldn’t have lived to see his seventh birthday. Who can crack jokes at a time like this!!!!?!?!?!?!??!

7:41: Stafford finds Riddick for a 15-yard gain. At this point, Teemu Pulkkinen thinks Theo Riddick is underused.

7:43: A Calvin Johnson false start? I guess Lions fans aren’t the only anxious ones.

7:45: After short gains by Ebron and Riddick, the season is on the line with a 4th-and-3. Unless, of course, Caldwell decides to either punt or attempt to draw the Cowboys offside.

7:46: Welp! For the second time this drive, Stafford fumbles the ball but this time Dallas decides they aren’t going to give it back to the Lions; the game is effectively over.

Postscript: Where does one even begin when trying to dissect what occurred over the last three hours? How about an explanation of why the PI flag shouldn’t have been picked up by Fox’s Mike Pereira? …..

Tonight’s @kfc video comes from 4th qtr — DPI on Hitchens. The flag shouldn’t have been picked up. Here’s why: http://t.co/bAYOZvedKN — Mike Pereira (@MikePereira) January 5, 2015

Here’s Samuel L. Jackson’s take on that call ….

Can Anybody other than a Cowboy fan explain that call?!

— Samuel L. Jackson (@SamuelLJackson) January 5, 2015

And who could have ever guessed that Justin Verlander is satisfied with a Detroit team coming up short in the postseason? ….

Tough one to watch today but the lions had a good season. Showed a lot of heart all season long. — Justin Verlander (@JustinVerlander) January 5, 2015

How about the pending sale at Meijer tomorrow? ….

50% off at Meijer tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/Aj61CbU7uh — Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) January 5, 2015

So, what happened today?

Well, you can blame it on the picked-up flag; the fact that the Lions only scored three points in the second half; the refs, who neither called an obvious offensive holding on Levy’s running-back grab nor a penalty on Dez Bryant for being on the field without a helmet; Lombardi’s garbage play-calling in the second half; or a number of other things.

But we all know why the Lions didn’t win today …..

It’s because THEY ARE THE LIONS.

And because you hire a dumb-ass who views that game in such simple terms as this ….

And, if Katzenstein is accurate, Golden Tate wasn’t even on the field for that now-infamous 3rd-and-1 pass to Pettigrew. Which, if true, means that Caldwell, Lombardi, Crazy Cooter and everyone else associated with calling offensive plays should be fired on the fucking spot.

Hell, if Tate wasn’t part of that 3rd-and-1 package, they should not have let Caldwell and Lombardi on the freaking team plane back from DFW.

And because they have stupid players who take dumb personal foul penalties late in close games and Tweet out nonsense like this ……

“Just fell short of the ultimate goal”?

Was the “ULTIMATE GOAL” playing next week in Seattle?

When you add up all of the above, you get a new hashtag ……

#1PlayoffWinIn57Years

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 6, 2015

What the hell is going on with Terry Foster’s latest Eastside food service business?

Well, here is what the DetroitSportsRag investigative team (DSR I-Team for short) has learned about the latest debacle ….

Mariachi’s Cantina opened up in Chesterfield Township on December 23rd ….

Mariachi’s Cantina will open in about two hours on 23 Mile road between I-94 and Gratiot. Hope to see you there

— Terry Foster (@TerryFoster971) December 23, 2014

Now, I am not great at math, but by my calculations tell me that was only 13 days ago. Well, if you owned a restaurant/bar, wouldn’t you go there to watch a Lions playoff game and tell your Twitter followers to meet you up there? ….

Game Day. I am going out and watch the Lions-Cowboys game with the people. Let’s see if we witness history — Terry Foster (@TerryFoster971) January 4, 2015

You see, it would have been hard to promote the establishment since it was CLOSED on a Sunday afternoon when the LIONS WERE PLAYING A POSTSEASON GAME AGAINST DALLAS …… less than TWO WEEKS after they OPENED!!!!!!!!

And not only that, Foster is looking to hang out at a restaurant this weekend with his social media friends; he is still looking for a location. Like, why not YOUR RESTAURANT!!!!???

If I can find us a place to hang out Sunday afternoon and NOT watch the game would any of you be interested in attending?

— Terry Foster (@TerryFoster971) January 5, 2015

The telephone for this fine dining establishment? After two weeks, it’s already disconnected!!!!

Well, maybe Mariachi’s Closedhouse is suffering from all of the AWFUL REVIEWS on bothYelp! and its Facebook page. Here is an incredible sampling of diners just DESTROYING the joint on social media sights™ (Terry Foster) …..

Those reviews are unreal. I have never felt compelled to review a restaurant online but these people seem so angry that they had no choice.

It is amazing that Foster could be involved in a worse restaurant venture than Foster’s Smokehouse, but here we are. Hell, these reviews of the Cantina make the Closedhouse look like Joe Muer’s or the London Chop House by comparison.

So, is Mariachi’s Cantina closed only 13 days after the grand soft opening?

Stay tuned for further DSR I-Team Coverage!!!!

(h/t Jeremiah Fick)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 7, 2015

What constitutes a successful year for a sports team? Even for someone as title-obsessed as myself, I don’t believe the only measure of achievement is a championship parade.

For example, nobody could say the 2014 Michigan State Spartans football team was a failure after only losing two games — to the eventual National Championship participants — while capping it off with a miraculous Cotton Bowl victory.

The 2013-14 Red Wings season was a success if only because Ken Holland’s “Kid’s Aren’t the Answer” and “It’s a Men’s League” philosophy came crashing down around him when the contributions of Tomas Tatar, Gus Nyquist, Tomas Jurco and Riley Sheahan bailed the team out.

While the GM’s albatross of veteran contracts (Todd Bertuzzi, Jordin Tootoo, Mikael Samuelsson, Dan Cleary, etc.) put the team in a huge hole, the “kids” led the franchise to another postseason appearance.

Even after suffering a first-round playoff loss to the Boston Bruins, nobody could say the young Wings’ development was anything but an unexpected triumph. After four recent titles, that particular Motor City franchise doesn’t owe us anything until 2030 anyway.

Which brings us to the subject of today’s article …. Jamie “Milquetoast” Samulesen’s blog post on the Freep website yesterday in which he had the nerve to label the 2014 Lions season a SUCCESS.

What?!??!?! Yep, this vanilla, middle-of-the-road, trust-fund adult had the audacity to state that a team that has never appeared in a Super Bowl (the only non-expansion team left that carries around that humiliation); hasn’t won a road playoff game in 57 years; and has only won ONE home postseason contest in that time had a SUCCESSFUL season because they earned the last playoff berth in the NFC and exited without a playoff win ….. AGAIN.

A success?!??!?!!?!?!?!??!? Are you fucking kidding me? The Lions beat ONE team with a winning record all season long and barely sneaked by inferior opponents on the way to a mirage of an 11-5 season.

Meanwhile, their garbage quarterback regressed in almost all facets of the game. Yep, Matthew Stafford still hasn’t defeated a winning team on the road in his CAREER. And please spare me the “he reduced his turnovers this season” bullshit. Yeah, because Jim Caldwell and Joe Lombardi decided to take zero risks this year with the vertical passing game.

I would have gladly taken a few more interceptions this season if it meant the 50-yard bomb throws to Calvin Johnson would have remained in the playbook. What Lombardi and Caldwell did to this offense in 2014 in the name of limiting interceptions was the equivalent of Scarlett Johansson theoretically deciding to get a double mastectomy in order to reduce her chances of getting breast cancer.

But I digress …..

Remember when the Lions fired Jim Schwartz and brought in Caldwell? Martin Mayhew and Tom Lewand said that everything they were doing was consistent with winning IMMEDIATELY.

Not in 2016.

Not in the future.

THIS YEAR!!!

That’s why the team didn’t pick up Nick Fairley’s 2015 option; they wanted to motivate him for THIS season. It’s the same song-and-dance they gave us when they took Eric Ebron with the tenth pick overall in the draft. And signed Golden Tate and James Ihedigbo.

It was all about winning in 2014 — before Ndamukong Suh had a chance to leave town — and they still failed to even win ONE playoff game in a year they laid all of their cards out on the table.

Somehow this no-personality talk show host — who does a 40-minute nightly show on 97.1 and can’t leapfrog dynamic radio personalities like Scott “The Whale” Anderson and Terry Foster — thinks this season was a success?!!?!?!?!?!?

Here is what would make ANY given Lions season a success: WINNING THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL. 

That’s it.

That’s the bar.

NOTHING SHORT OF THAT IS EITHER ACCEPTABLE OR CAN BE LABELED A “SUCCESS.”

That is what happens when you fuck your fan base over for six decades and repeatedly step on our hearts.

This is what occurs when you run the best player you’ve ever had into retirement because he can’t handle the losing culture any longer.

These are the consequences of keeping Matt Millen in a position of power for five years longer than ANY other franchise would have allowed.

They’ve burned through all of their collateral. Any remaining goodwill has gone out the god damn window.

There will have been 49 Super Bowls played after next month’s BIG GAME and the Lions, Texans, Browns and Jaguars are the only teams to never reach that event.

If you add up the total years of existence of those other three franchises you won’t even get to 49 fucking years!!!!

The Lions are The Shield’s poster boy for futility. This San Francisco interloper’s suggestion that a first-round exit as a #6 seed is a success is nothing but disgusting pandering.

Hey, Jizz Bucket, the baseball organization you root for has won THREE of the last FIVE World Series.

In other words, since President Obama was elected, JB’s baseball team has won two more World Series than the Lions have won PLAYOFF games since the Eisenhower administration.

And he has the balls to write an online blog stating this Lions season was a success?

And please save me the argument that the team is in a better position this year under Caldwell than last under Schwartz so it makes what occurred in 2014 some sort of achievement. I remember the 1990s, when the Lions basically alternated winning seasons with losing ones depending on schedule strength under Wayne Fontes.

And 2014 smells like the same old shit we used to get under the Big Buck, which led to flushing Barry Sanders’ career down the drain and #20 faxing his retirement papers to the team on the eve of training camp.

A success?

Well, Jamie, if you want to call wasting ANOTHER year of Calvin Johnson’s prime some sort of achievement, I will have to disagree with you.

This motherfucking low-expectation town and its accompanying pathetic media clowns.

#1PlayoffWinIn57Years and this shitbag wants to give the franchise a gold star.

Ya gotta believe me.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitixportsRag@GMail.com
January 7, 2015

Detroit News baseball writer Lynn Henning is a kook. We all know he is losing it and his behavior on Twitter is becoming more bizarre and unhinged by the day.

On New Year’s Day, Henning broke out a new obsession and this one may be odder than his infatuation with Dave Dombrowski’s Cary Grant-like appearance.

For some reason, Henning was incensed about Baylor offensive coordinator Kendal Briles — the son of Bears’ head coach, Art. Why? Hey, just because I am living rent-free in Lynn’s head doesn’t mean I know what the fuck is going on up here.

Here were Mr. Imperfect’s Tweets during the Cotton Bowl ……

Think we need more Kendal Briles segments at Cotton Bowl. Only have had 15 minutes on him so far …

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 1, 2015

First quarter, a million yards in total offense: 14-14 at the Kendal Briles Boel.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 1, 2015

MSU has ball, but ESPN will figure out how to work in Kendal Briles …

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 1, 2015

Great play mix today by Michigan State. No match for Kendal Briles’ genius, but effective …

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 1, 2015

Much at stake today at Cotton Bowl. Winner receives the coveted Kendal Briles Trophy.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 1, 2015

Art Briles contemplating making Kendal Briles Baylor’s new defensive coordinator.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 1, 2015

Six Tweets about the Briles family??!??!? WTF? But Henning wasn’t done just because the Cotton Bowl ended. His rant continued two days later ……

Art Briles was so busy repeating how “embarrassed” were he and Baylor on Thursday he sort of forgot to congratulate the team that won.

But just because the Michigan State/Baylor game was over, Henning didn’t stop his bizarre Briles Family diatribe. This continued two days later …..
— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 3, 2015

Baylor, which apparently is coached by Art and Kendal Briles and no one else, got beat in a classic bowl game. No fun losing, but an epic.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 3, 2015

@TTownTiger Agree. And so should Briles.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 3, 2015

More Briles during the Lions/Cowboys game ….

Cowboys contemplating halftime hiring of Kendal Briles as offensive coordinator. — Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 4, 2015

And finally, this morning ….

Nice to see Mark Dantonio acknowledge Harbaugh’s presence. Am sure,Harbaugh was likewise impressed by MSU winning the Kendall Briles Bowl.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 7, 2015

This latest Henning fetish should appear on the TLC show, “My Strange Addiction.” Ya know, the program that deals with women who want to have sex with the Eiffel Tower. Anyway, a DSR reader decided to question Lynn’s creepy infatuation with Art and Kendal Briles this morning ….

@rustbelthuddle They’re only creepy, I suppose, because Jeff has an attraction to him and feels threatened. — Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 7, 2015

Yes, I have an attraction to Kendal Briles. Because …… ya know ….. I’ve never said one word about the guy. What the fuck is WRONG WITH THIS GUY?!?!?!? And I feel threatened? Not to mention, what the hell is with that veiled homophobic blast?

Of course, any Lynn nervous breakdown wouldn’t be complete without him accusing everyone on Twitter who thinks he is awful of being Poor ‘Ol Joffrey Must.

@rustbelthuddle They’re only creepy, I suppose, because Jeff has an attraction to him and feels threatened.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 7, 2015

Now, I am not accusing Henning of being homophobic because of that asinine Tweet. I can’t really explain how I know that right now but the issue will probably become crystalized over the next couple of weeks.

No. He is very accepting of the LGBT community.

He’s just a fucking wacko.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 9, 2015

A few weeks ago, it was discovered in a New Republic article about Yahoo.com basketball writer Adrian Wojnarowski that former Pistons General Manager Joe Dumars was fined $500,000 by David Stern for leaking confidential league memos ostensibly in exchange for positive coverage from the NBA’s premiere journalist.

Many years ago, this website reported that Dumars “loaned” Detroit News columnist Rob Parker $5,000 for a book deal that went bad and, in exchange, Joe D. received puff pieces from the uber-cynical Parker for years.

Knowing that Dumars had perfected a quid pro quo relationship with certain media members over his tenure as President of the Pistons, one can only guess whether the exec had an arrangement with Detroit News beat writer Vincent Goodwill, Jr.

Because, for all of the water that Parker and Wojnarowski carried for Dumars over the years, it pales in comparison to what “Gunga Din” Goodwill, Jr. has done since becoming the News writer covering the Pistons beat a few year back.

Over the years, Goodwill, Jr. absolved Dumars for almost all of his failings. Junior wrote puff pieces about Charlie Villanueva; supported the Austin Daye selection to the bitter end; and NEVER criticized either Joe D. or the organization for refusing to bite the bullet and amnesty Ben Gordon … a move that eventually cost the team a first-round pick in 2014.

Perusing Junior’s Twitter feed for Dumars mentions is higher comedy than a triple bill of Chris Rock, Louis CK and Anthony Jeselnik. Because I love you folks, I provide you the following ……

Most of Dumars’ mistakes came early in his tenure (Darko, White, Mateen) and other than Darko, those mistakes came in BAD drafts

— Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) October 26, 2011

@StillRegular_ don’t think Gores should clear house. Dumars created cap space, has good drafts. Let’s see what he does

— Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) April 18, 2013

Dumars will be the one running the show in this situation, as opposed to last time. #Pistons

— Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) April 18, 2013

#blocked @mikea71: Goodnight Mrs. Dumars RT @me I’m talking to people who have no concept of the success-fail ratio of draft. Why bother?

— Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) January 13, 2012

And of course, the obligatory Wojnarowki Re-Tweet when “Woj” lived up to his end of the leaked-memo bargain ….

RT @WojYahooNBA After a tumultuous personal and professional stretch, Joe Dumars pushes the Pistons back on course. http://t.co/Nvc5oAyz — Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) October 15, 2012

Junior had so perfected the gig as Dumars’ propagandist-in-chief that he inspired a Twitter parody account with the name @VGoodshill which is closing in on 900 followers. That might seem like a modest number but it is 300 more followers than the Pistons pre- and postgame host that Detroit Sports 105.1 employs.   Anyway, Junior’s shilling for Joe Dumars did not end when owner Tom Gores fired the former Pistons shooting guard and replaced him with Stan Van Gundy. Nope. If anything, the Joe propagandizing has gotten worse.  

@tylerjamesson Dumars isn’t here. Stop blaming him.

— Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) December 3, 2014

@cassel191919 umm, the Pistons could’ve traded Smith, or Monroe this summer and Dumars didn’t bring in these FA’s. Dumars is gone.

— Vincent Goodwill (@vgoodwill) December 3, 2014

Can you imagine how indebted you would have to be to Dumars to blame Van Gundy for the JOSH SMITH problem?!??!!??

“Dumars isn’t here. Stop blaming him.” As I have written previously, that would be like blaming President Obama for all of America’s problems ….. on Valentine’s Day, 2009.

“Yeah, I know Dubya was in charge for the last eight years, but why hasn’t this new guy completely turned around this country in the last 25 days??!??!??!”

When the Pistons parted ways with Smith last month, Junior doubled-down on his ignorant take in an article titled, “Josh Smith misused in Pistons’ Slow Start.”

Incredibly — in both his Tweets and his article — Junior attempted to exonerate Dumars (the man who gave Smith a 4-year, $54-million deal!!!!) while blaming Van Gundy for not either trading Smith IMMEDIATELY or using him correctly in the rotation.

Right. It’s Stan’s fault that he didn’t panic and trade Josh Smith the moment SVG landed in Detroit — even though the only reported trade partner was Sacramento. The Kings wanted to send the Pistons some of their garbage (Jason Thompson and Derrick Williams) in exchange for Dumars’ remaining tumor.

Let’s hang Van Gundy in effigy for either attempting to drive up Smith’s trade value or seeing if he could somehow coexist with the guy instead of ripping Dumars for handing the forward $13.5 million per year for FOUR YEARS.

But that’s exactly what this dipshit did in his December 29 article ….

Make no mistake, the water certainly will level out. The Pistons won’t play this well for the rest of the season, and this isn’t to make Smith the villain.

He was placed in a position he was ill-equipped to handle — and it shouldn’t have taken perhaps a throwing away of a season to determine that.

He was placed in a position he was ill-equipped to handle? Right. And who is the dolt who gave him $54 million when he already had Greg Monroe and Andre Drummond on the roster, which meant Smith was going to have to get most of his minutes at the 3??!!???!?!

The same piece-of-shit shill who NEVER criticized Dumars for failing to either unload Villanueva or amnesty Gordon actually thinks it is fair to bomb SVG for not figuring out the Josh Smith Enigma in under 28 games???!??!??!?

This is a head-scratcher even for THIS city. Junior spent years making EVERY excuse for Dumars you could think of, from Karen Davidson putting the clamps on him to Gores’ impatience forcing bad moves.

In Goodshill’s eyes, Dumars was never culpable for any of his failures. Meanwhile, Van Gundy’s honeymoon didn’t even last until the All-Star Break.

Pistons could’ve traded Smith, or Monroe this summer and Dumars didn’t bring in these FA’s. Dumars is gone.

Remember those asinine words when the Pistons make the playoffs this season BECAUSE of Van Gundy and in spite of Dumars’ habitual incompetence.

Finally, news broke earlier today that New Orleans Pelicans’ ownership might be interested in replacing current GM Dell Demps with Dumars at the end of this season.

Hopefully, the Louisiana native gets the Pelicans job and lands his lapdog a gig at the New Orleans Times-Picayune.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 11, 2015

I didn’t believe the Detroit Tigers organization could display a greater degree of tone deafness than when they made their embarrassing decision to change their Facebook profile picture to a “We Own The Central” graphic just HOURS after the Kansas City Royals won the AL pennant last fall.

Well, I was proven wrong this evening when I almost vomited out my dinner while watching the Broncos/Colts game and this ad for Tigers 2015 season tickets came across my screen ……..

Are you effing kidding me with this crap? Who was the advertising genius behind this pitch reminding Tigers fans about all of the great individual achievements over the last four seasons with NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!?!?!?

We’ve had two Cy Young winners; three MVPs; a pitching triple crown; a BATTING triple crown;18 All-Stars; and a no hitter!!!!!!!!

Great! Thanks for reiterating that with all of those great players, you have failed to win ONE World Series despite having every inherent advantage known to the sporting world.

And of course, they HAD to remind us the team has won back-to-back-to-back-to-back AL Central titles. They can’t help themselves.

Like, who cares? The team that finished SECOND in the AL Central in 2014 got a lot closer to winning a World Series than you have over the last decade. Hell, they didn’t even humiliate themselves by getting swept or getting crushed in five games.

How many times are we going to have to watch that commercial over the next few months during sporting events?

Hell, I’d rather watch a montage of David Ortiz’s grand slam; Shane Victorino’s grand slam; the bottom of the eighth inning of Game 2 at Camden Yards; and Buster Posey’s homer off Max Scherzer.

At least THAT wouldn’t insult my intelligence.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 12, 2015

This Wednesday will mark the one-year anniversary of the Detroit Lions naming Jim Caldwell as their head coach.

And as you might recall, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the hiring. My disdain for “Comatose Cigar Store Indian” replacing Jim Schwartz was so profound that the Lions actually changed the Ford Field security protocols in order to keep me out of the Caldwell announcement presser and later called Allen Park’s finest on me.

A year later, you are probably expecting me to come on here and issue some apology after the Caldwell Lions qualified for the postseason with an 11-5 record. Hell, the twat who once wrote that Grant Hill did the Pistons a FAVOR by leaving posted an article on 97.1’s website today stating Caldwell left little doubt in 2014 that he was the right man for the gig.

And Freep Lions beat writer Dave Birkett even suggested that Caldwell should get serious NFL Head Coach of the Year consideration. Of course, we need to take any Birkett opinion on the Lions with a grain of salt as he could be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

[I was recently told by a former member of the Detroit sports media that the tin-eared Lions management — read: Bill Keenist, among others — treats Birkett so poorly that it is amazing he can do his job at all, let alone thrive at it. A wonderful bunch of people, let me tell ya.]

Well, if you are expecting some mea culpa from me 12 months later, you are probably also one of the idiot fans of this team waiting for their next road playoff victory or Matt Stafford’s first road win over a team with an over .500 record.

It ain’t happening. If anything, everything I predicted would occur under a Jim Caldwell regime basically played itself out.

Obviously, if you are a simple-minded dolt who only wants to look at the 11-5 record and the playoff berth, you probably think that Caldwell’s first year was a resounding success. But remember, Caldwell took over a team that SHOULD have made the postseason the previous year if not for a late-season collapse.

It’s not like Caldwell took over the reins of a 4-12 squad and improved them by seven games. The former Ravens offensive coordinator was given a mandate to win NOW and Martin Mayhew made a series of moves that put the team all-in for 2014, including not picking up Nick Fairley’s 2015 contract option and using it as a motivation tool.

Now, before we get to Caldwell’s monumental failure in his first season as the Lions coach, let me give him credit for hiring Teryl Austin as his defensive coordinator.

One of my biggest issues with the previous regime was their absolute refusal to blitz, opting to rely completely on the front four to apply pressure to the opposition’s quarterback.

Under Schwartz and Gunther Cunningham the Lions were perennially near the bottom of the NFL in total number of blitzes called. It was insanely frustrating to watch opposing offenses pick apart the Lions’ defense while Schwartz attempted to apply as little pressure as possible.

The culture shock of going from Schwartz’s philosophy to Austin’s aggressiveness significantly improved the Lions’ defense; Austin might parlay that success into a head coaching job.

There is still a part of me that thinks Austin’s impact might be a little overstated, though. I mean, ANYONE who would have come in and increased the number of blitzes in order to assist Ndamukong Suh, Ziggy Ansah, Fairley and DeAndre Levy in pressuring the quarterback might have looked like a genius.

It did take Austin FORTY EIGHT years to get a defensive coordinator job and it will be interesting to see moving forward if he was just in the right place at the right time or some brilliant tactical mind who had been overlooked for DC gigs in the past.

But if I am going to blast Caldwell for sending this team’s offense back to the dark ages, I have to credit him for the Austin hire and the improved defense.

But here is the rub. Caldwell was brought to Detroit to improve the Lions’ offense and FIX Matt Stafford; after one season, that project can only be viewed as a complete failure.

If the Lions’ offense would have even been as efficient as it was under Scott Linehan in 2013, the combination of THAT flawed offense and the 2014 defense would have been a Super Bowl contender.

And make no mistake about it, when Mayhew and Tom Lewand were looking for a Schwartz replacement, they were almost exclusively focusing on offensive-minded coaches; once Ken Whisenhunt spurned them they landed on Caldwell.

And not only did the Lions hire a supposed offensive “guru” who had worked with Peyton Manning, they brought in Drew Brees’ quarterback coach (Joe Lombardi) and Manning’s 2013 QB coach (Jim Bob “Crazy” Cooter) in an effort to rehabilitate Stafford.

But they didn’t stop there. Mayhew signed Golden Tate to a huge free-agent deal; re-signed former first-round pick, tight end Brandon Pettigrew; and THEN attempted to provide Stafford ANOTHER weapon in drafting Eric Enron (err, I mean, Ebron) with the TENTH overall pick in the draft!!!

With all of those assets and expenditures focused on the offense, you wouldn’t have thought that that unit would have been the team’s ACHILLES HEEL and the reason they once again failed to win a postseason game.

#OnePlayoffWinIn57Years.

So let’s take a look at two charts comparing the offenses of the Lions, the Ravens (Caldwell’s 2013 responsibility) and the Cowboys (under former OC Linehan in 2014) over the last two seasons …..

Jesus Christ, that’s ugly and obviously not a coincidence.

So, to sum it up in one run-on sentence, the Lions’ offense scored four fewer points per game under Caldwell in ’14 while his replacement in Baltimore improved the Ravens PPG by almost SIX points per contest while the “problem” in Detroit improved the already-efficient Cowboys offense by almost two points!!!!!

What a fucking disaster. Just keep staring at those two charts and remember that Jim Caldwell was brought to Detroit to IMPROVE the team’s offense!!!! Do you think those abhorrent figures might have might have been influenced by Lombardi’s predictable play-calling; the nonsensical decision to underutilize Tate by removing him from plays for NO REASON; and the insistence on running the ball on first down for negligible gains?

I don’t know, call me bi-polar, but the 2014 crash in offense might also coincide with attempting to convert Calvin Johnson from a deep threat to a possession receiver.

The offensive play-calling was an embarrassment all season long and the reason this team actually underachieved. We all owe Scott Linehan a HUGE apology; this dude was working for stretches of time with Kris Durham as the Lions’ #2 receiver and not Golden FUCKING Tate!!!!

And if the raw numbers weren’t disgusting enough to try and swallow, the quotes coming out of Allen Park after the season were vomit-inducing. Obviously Mayhew and Caldwell think we are a bunch of morons. And considering we still emotionally invest in this organization, I can’t say they are wrong.

Here is what Mayhew had to say about Stafford in 2014:

“I thought it was an outstanding season for him. I think it was probably the second-best season that he’s had here with us. 2011, obviously, was exceptional. Forty-one touchdown passes and 5,000 yards passing.”

And how about Caldwell’s thoughts on Lombardi’s performance this season?

“We don’t talk about it because we don’t make any excuses, but let me just tell you something: As a playcaller, what he had to deal with in terms of juggling guys, using people, particularly what we had with changes in our offensive line, things of that nature, who to protect, who not to help, all these kinds of things, it’s a lot different than public perception, trust me. What he did in terms of being able to get us through some of those very rough spots was exceptional. The whole offensive staff.”

Hey, Jim, considering you have one of the greatest vertical threats in the HISTORY of the NFL in #81 at your fingertips, do you think you might throw the ball downfield more in 2015?

“I just think we need to be more effective. I think if we complete more passes and to a higher percentage, I think the number of times we throw it and things of that nature are fine. Schematically I think we’re fine. We’ve just got to keep getting better.”

Ya gotta be fucking kidding me.

And you can bitch and moan all you want about the picked-up flag in the Dallas game, but I don’t believe the Head Linesman who overturned the Pettigrew call was the one who sat Tate on the bench for that crucial 3rd-and-1 and  refused to go for it on 4th-and-1 at the Cowboys’ 46.

Those two decisions are the ones Lions fans should be focusing on because there is a much greater chance that Caldwell’s extremely conservative approach and awful game management will negatively impact the organization in 2015 as opposed to a bad officiating decision.

Seriously, just listen to Caldwell’s explanation on why he didn’t choose to go for the 4th-and-1, punting instead after taking a delay of game penalty. This is from ProFootballTalk.com and an excellent takedown on the asinine decision not to go for it:

What a fucking simpleton. Well, duh, we were up, so I punted because, duh, if we were losing, I might have duh gone for it, duh ….

Effing dummy. And the last paragraph is the best because the REAL reason Sunny von Bülow didn’t go for it — after doing so ALL YEAR LONG in similar situations — is he didn’t want to get second-guessed. What an abject coward.

There is no question in my mind that this guy tightens up in PLAYOFF games, leading to punting when you normally wouldn’t and crap like this ….

What a great combination … a franchise that can’t win a postseason game and a coach who CHOKES during them!!!

And can we also debunk this mistaken impression that the 2014 Lions were more “disciplined” under Jim Caldwell?

In 2013 under the raving lunatic Schwartz, Detroit was called for 110 penalties for 925 yards. Under the smooth, dulcet tones of Caldwell in 2014, the Lions were flagged 126 times for 1033 yards!!!

Not to mention their starting center got suspended for the biggest regular season game of the year and Suh needed a reprieve on appeal to avoid missing the game in Dallas.

Here is the thing that most Lions fans and members of the media are missing — almost EVERY NFL team has a season of genuine kismet like the 2014 Detroit Lions enjoyed. Where a combination of luck and an advantageous schedule result in a record that really doesn’t represent the product on the field.

Every franchise in the NFL is the beneficiary of this sort of stuff EXCEPT the putrid organization owned by the Ford Family, which is why many around here can’t view what just occurred as the mirage that it was.

This was an anomaly. Based on Caldwell’s insistence on keeping Lombardi employed with this Jamie Samuelsen vanilla offense and his inability to think on his feet, heaven help Lions fans if Suh walks out of town prior to the murderous 2015 schedule commencing.

Jim Caldwell is not a good head football coach even though this team went 11-5 this year.

Barry Switzer won a damn Super Bowl, for [Trout’s] sake. Would you EVER have wanted him at the helm?

As a matter of fact, Caldwell is the third best football coach in the state of Michigan behind Mark Dantonio and Jim Harbaugh. And I only say that because I don’t know enough about P.J. Fleck and Dan Enos.

Stop being so intellectually lazy, people.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 13, 2015

For years there has been an ongoing debate amongst the DSR editorial board about how we should handle Detroit Free Press columnist Drew Sharp on this website.

A majority of our mostly emeritus staff believes that we should treat everything the unethical troll writes as if it did not exist. Unfortunately, because I am an unhinged lunatic with a serious impulse control problem, that just isn’t possible.

And since we are the website of record for chronicling all of the awful behavior of the Detroit Sports Media, the DSR would be remiss if we ignored Sharp’s horrid Big Ten takes over the last year in the wake of Ohio State winning the first National Championship under a playoff system last night.

CONVINCINGLY.

Any conversation about the trollish behavior of this douche bag has to start with his decision to leave Michigan State off his Top 25 ballot after the Spartans loss to THEE Ohio State University in NOVEMBER!!!

The following is a takedown of Sharp from The Sporting News after that November vote.

I mean, this isn’t ancient history. Sharp thought that Michigan State wasn’t one of the Top 25 teams in the country as recently as November!!!!

IN NOVEMBER.

Ya know, the team that won the Cotton Bowl against a team (Baylor) that very easily could have been in the four-team playoff mix!!!!!

Yep, a two-loss Big Ten team wasn’t in the Top 25 in November. Someone had better tell all of those folks who voted MSU in their Top 5 in the final poll of the season.

You have to be either terrible at your job or just a desperate troll looking for page views in order to have a take like this. Well, there is a third option but we will get to that later.

Of course, Sharp is an equal opportunity fuckstick so let’s review a Tweet he sent last January regarding the University of Michigan ….

What? Hey, lookie over there ….. It’s Satan having a snowball fight with Stalin and Kim Jong-il in Hades.

Hashtag Know Your Place!!!! Hahhhhahaa. Can you imagine?

Share some more wisdom with me, ya uglier man’s Sherman Hemsley ….

OSU can’t dominate a 5-6 team at home! That’s all you need to know about your precious B1G. Delany in tears right now.

— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) November 29, 2014

Maybe it’s time everyone realize that OSU isn’t as good as many think. B1G exposed once again.

— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) November 29, 2014

Michigan-OSU tied in first quarter. Bucks officially eliminated from playoff contention. Nation rejoices!

— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) November 29, 2014

At least the country will be spared watching a B1G team embarrass itself once again on national stage. Buh bye B1G

— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) November 9, 2014

The debate begins: If a 12-1 B1G team gets in playoffs because a Midwest based team MUST make it then process a farce.

— Drew Sharp (@drewsharp) October 7, 2014

So fucking funny. Did the Big Ten abuse Drew Sharp when he was a young boy or some shit? Did Muddy Waters get a muddy helmet after ….

Okay, even I am not going there.

I mean, EVERYTHING this man has said about Michigan, MSU, OSU and the Big Ten as a whole has been horrifically wrong.

Jim Harbaugh is now the coach of U of M. Thankfully for that fan base, Jim Hackett didn’t know his “place.”

The Spartans once again proved they were one of the best teams in the country with a bowl victory over a Top-5 team.

And the Buckeyes won the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP with a THIRD-STRING QUARTERBACK after trying to give the Oregon Ducks the game in the first half.

And while Sharp hasn’t said much of anything about either his horrid Harbaugh take or the Spartans making him look like an ass, he did post a column today about OSU’s triumph.

And while this integrity-challenged asshat admitted he was wrong about the Buckeyes — what a revelation — he continued to take shots at both the Wolverines and Spartans …

But it’s utterly laughable to think that the Buckeyes’ statement elevates the Big Ten’s collective football profile. The two worst conferences in the Power Five have won the last two titles. But did Florida State’s 27-game winning streak and 2013 national championship improve the overall perception of the ACC?

Of course not.

This wasn’t Ohio State lifting up Michigan State and Michigan. This was Meyer putting further distance between the Buckeyes and the other 13 members of a conference that still looks at Outback Bowl victories over the SEC as celebratory achievements. If you’re a Michigan State or Michigan fan today — and if you’re being honest with yourself — you can’t be happy with the realization that Meyer owns the Big Ten and won’t surrender the title anytime soon.

The hubris this man possesses in order to make any more predictions about this conference after the above-mentioned columns and Tweets.

Earlier, I mentioned there might be a third reason for Sharp’s asinine takes and buffoonish behavior. Ya know, something other than utter stupidity or a cynical play for relevancy.

I’ve been told that Sharp has a problem with alcohol. I am not going to go all Skip Bayless and label “Not the Sharpest Drew” an alcoholic but if fellow media members notice you are imbibing at tailgates prior to games you’re covering …. maybe you’ve got a problem.

On second thought, nah.

All of the whiskey in Kentucky, the vodka in Russia and wine in France couldn’t make anyone THIS FUCKING STUPID.

He’s just a disingenuous troll.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 14, 2015

You might have heard the story today about the 12-year-old boy from Yukon, Oklahoma who wrote EVERY owner of an NFL team in an effort to figure out what franchise to root for since he is from a state that doesn’t have an NFL team.

You can read the boy’s letter to Jerry Richardson of the Panthers above. The Carolina owner was the only owner to respond to the little boy.

Anyway, with his handwritten campaign to locate the team he should support for the rest of his days on Earth, Cade Pope gave ME an idea.

Ya see, I am also looking for a new organization to support. After 42 years of heartache and incompetence… I am ready to move on. I am looking for a franchise that will win a road postseason game during my lifetime, not one that tries to have me arrested.

I think this ESPN graphic will give you a good idea why I am in the market for a new NFL team to cheer on.

So I am penning personalized letters to the other 31 NFL teams looking for a new beau. It’s like the “Bachelor” mixed in with brain injuries, domestic abuse and poor officiating.

Here is my handwritten missive to Zygi Wilf. I will be sending similar letters to the other 30 owners and will update you if I get any responses ….

If you can’t read my HORRID writing, here is the translation from hieroglyphics …….

Dear Zygmunt Wilf,

Hello. My name is Jeff Moss. I am 42 years old. I’m an insurance adjuster and barely play any sports. I’ve been a fan of the Lions my entire life and realize this relationship is not good for my health.

I am ready to pick a NEW NFL team to cheer on for a lifetime!!!

I am writing you and all of the other NFL teams to ask why I should choose your team to become my “new team.”

I can’t decide which team to choose and I live in a state that does not have a competent franchise. They also attempted to get me arrested last year for making fun of William Clay Ford, Sr. on my website. I wasn’t aware he was the Prophet Muhammad.

Anyway, please tell me why your team is the best and why I should be a fan.

Please keep in mind my “last team” hasn’t won a road playoff game during my lifetime; has only won 1 postseason contest at all [during that span]; hasn’t been to a Super Bowl; passed on Randy Moss (to your team’s benefit); had a player die on the field; had another player get paralyzed from the waist down in front of me; had another player die while cutting his lawn(!!!); had [a] coach BEG to get fired; employed Matt Millen for like 8 years; got fined under the Rooney Rule (and never paid it); and had its best player retire prematurely because he was sick of ALL the losing.

Did I mention they also called the Allen Park police on me over a freaking cartoon!!!

Je Suis Jiff Myst!

Oh. They also bully the local media while promoting their own bought-and-paid-for “journalists” on their website.

They are really a despicable tin-eared outfit and I am looking for the EXACT OPPOSITE in my next team.

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jeff Moss

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 14, 2015

Considering this website broke the news a couple of years ago that Greater Media was flipping WMGC-105.1 from an Adult Contemporary channel to an all-sports station, it would only be poetic if the DSR was the first to reports its demise.

Now, I don’t have anything in concrete to report but rumors have been swirling in radio circles over the last few days that Greater Media might be on the verge of cutting bait with Detroit Sports 105.1 after fewer than 18 months on the air.

Over the last couple of days Greater Media (GM) has let go of two Detroit employees, which industry trade website AllAccess.com has characterized as an “effort to downsize amidst reported station restructuring.”

On Monday, we learned that 15-year GM employee Mike Gagliano had been laid off; on Tuesday, AllAccess.com reported that DSR nemesis Julie Law had been fired from her position as Regional Director of Marketing, Promotions and Lying to Poor Joffrey Muss About Matt Dery Charity Golf Outings.

These layoffs coincided with industry insiders reporting to me that GM is taking a financial bath due to the underperformance of 105.1. While WRIF (101.1) is thriving and WCSX (94.7) is holding its own, 105.1 has struggled to gain an audience from the moment Jason Mraz and James Blunt tunes went out the window in favor of Drew Lane and Ryan Ermanni.

The following is a Tweet I sent out on Tuesday comparing WMGC’s ratings with 97.1 down the FM dial …..

Detroit Sports Talk Radio Ratings December 2013 Ratings 97.1 — 6.1 105.1 — 1.2 December 2014 Ratings 97.1 — 6.1 105.1 — 1.4

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) January 13, 2015

105.1 has never even come CLOSE to achieving the ratings the station enjoyed when it was Adult Contemporary. In fact, the 1.4 is a high-water mark for the station — even though the WXYT challenger still is the second lowest-rated FM station in the entire city…

Regularly beating only Wayne State University’s public radio signal!!!

Truth is, while many sports fans clamored for an alternative to 97.1, out-of-town program director Jason Dixon has not taken advantage of that climate with his uninspired hires of Matt Dery and Rico Beard and the nationally-syndicated morning show of “Mike and Mike.”

While most Detroit sports fans desired an FM station that …. ya know, actually discussed sports, GM provided them the Drew Lane program — which has actually out 97.1’d 97.1.

Instead of counter-programming against WXYT-FM’s penchant to discuss anything but Motown athletics, 105.1 built a station around a man who doesn’t know very much about sports and would rather wax nostalgic about 90s pop culture.

Combined with Lane’s massive salary — which drained the budget, not allowing Dixon to hire other local on-air staff — Drew’s absolute failure to get his WRIF listeners to follow him up the dial has made the Detroit Sports 105.1 business model a total disaster.

At this point, the only question that may remain is when the plug will be pulled on Detroit Sports 105.1. Will it occur when Lane and Marc Fellhauer are on the air like these poor saps in Chicago?….

The seemingly imminent news is extremely disappointing. We waited years for a rival to 97.1 and, because of this Hindenburg-esque disaster, you have to wonder if anyone else will challenge CBS Radio with a viable, listenable and entertaining all-sports station in Detroit.

CBS has been able to control the sports talk market in town because they own the rights to the ratings juggernaut known as the Detroit Tigers. At the beginning of the 105.1/Sports experiment there were rumors that GM would go after the Tigers/Red Wings package when negotiations started this spring.

Now, it seems the bidding war the Ilitch Family would have drooled over is not going to materialize; CBS Radio seems to be the only viable option for Mike, Marian and Chris.

A format switch by WMGC would also impact the Detroit Pistons, who moved to 105.1 this season. I’ve been advised by industry sources that most teams have an out in their contract just in case their broadcast partner makes a format switch, but who knows if Tom Gores’ people would have a better alternative or if anyone else even wants the team at this point.

Luckily for 105.1 producer Tom Mazawey, if the speculation is correct, he will still have a lucrative business of unwinding kids, shopping for groceries and lowering cable bills.

This is a developing story and I am working the phones for further information. I will let you know more the moment I learn anything else.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 15, 2015

Some days you wake up and it just seems like the world is against you. Today was one of those days; it appeared as though I was being trolled by everyone from Pope Francis to Detroit Sports 105.1.

It all started this morning when I was obsessively checking Twitter to see what I had missed over the last seven hours and I learned the Pope had done a heel turn overnight.

It’s not like I expect a lot from the Catholic Church — given its condemnation of Galileo; turning a blind eye to the Nazis’ crimes against humanity; and horrid coverup of diddling altar boys.

But this Pope seemed to be different from the others. He focused his attention on the poor and tried to minimize the Church’s obsession with social issues. Hell, he even announced that atheists and dogs could get into heaven, for Christ’s sake.

Well, all of that goodwill came crashing down this morning when he made the following asinine statement ……

“One cannot provoke, one cannot insult other people’s faith, one cannot make fun of faith.”

This comment occurred shortly after a condemnation of the lunatic terrorists who killed the French cartoonists who dared mock the Prophet Muhammad. Of course, that is where he should have stopped. Instead, the Pope moronically attempted to minimize free speech with that above quote.

He even “jokingly” suggested that people mocking religion should expect a punch in the face. Sorry, Jorge, religion deserves derision because it’s absolutely ridiculous, destructive and mind-numbing.

Of course, I will only belittle Christianity and Judaism on this site because I like my vital organs exactly where they are ….. inside my body.

The next shoe to drop was the following Tweets from MLive Lions beat writer Kyle Meinke and the co-sign of the Freep‘s Dave Birkett ….

Malcom Brown, the Texas DT that Kiper has mocked to Detroit, is married with two children. Already sounds like a Jim Caldwell guy.

— Kyle Meinke (@kmeinke) January 15, 2015

Lions’ first 3 picks last year were all engaged/married: First-rounder Eric Ebron, second-rounder Kyle Van Noy, third-rounder Travis Swanson

— Kyle Meinke (@kmeinke) January 15, 2015

@kmeinke sure does

— Dave Birkett (@davebirkett) January 15, 2015

Can you imagine the suggestion that the Lions consider a player’s marital status as he is coming out of college? I am not looking to kill the messengers here. I actually believe this might be true.

Which, if true, is extremely disturbing since it is my belief that anyone who gets married BEFORE 25 years old these days should be thrown in a looney bin. Not to mention that most GREAT athletes have fucked their way through the phone book.

Caldwell is going to award bonus points for a dude getting married and having TWO KIDS before he leaves college? That sort of idiotic behavior should be viewed even more warily than a three on the Wonderlic.

I mean, that pussy party Derek Jeter enjoyed during his entire career sure put a damper on his legacy. Aaron Rodgers sure seems to be struggling even though he is 31 and doesn’t have a nuclear family.

I am also guessing that Caldwell doesn’t realize one of the best players he ever coached — who is still single — is such a cocksman that he is known to save his used condoms in a mason jar for posterity.

Anyway, I guess Pastor Caldwell’s nuptial beliefs should be the least of my concerns with the in-game dolt.

I am so happy that Ebron and Van Noy were in committed relationships when the Lions drafted them. That’s so wonderful. Call me bi-polar, but give me Odell Beckham, Jr. with syphilis and Joel Bitonio with gonorrhea for all I fucking care.

But my day wasn’t over. Detroit Sports 105.1 decided to troll me on their Twitter account …

#JimCaldwell was hired by the #Lions one year ago today. @dery1051 gives this guy an “A-.” What would you grade him? pic.twitter.com/QKkYeP7d2L

— Detroit Sports 1051 (@DSports1051) January 15, 2015

I mean, posting the picture that led the Lions to call the Allen Park police on me while announcing that Matt Dery thought Caldwell earned an “A-” this season? This was obviously a passive-aggressive response to my report that the station might be flipping formats soon.

Well played, Greater Media intern, well played. Of course, I wasn’t going to let that taunt go without a retort ….

Welp, I guess I should expect a phone call from the Ferndale police at any moment.

Finally, my own FOLLOWERS even tried to put my on tilt …..

@JeffMossDSR Matt Millen sharing his draft expertise on ESPN pic.twitter.com/ELj06yjszA

— Michael Townsend (@TownsendMike131) January 15, 2015

I really need to get off Twitter™ (Mike Valenti) before I develop a bleeding ulcer.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 17, 2015

The Golden Globes have been announced; the nominations for the Oscars have been released; and today the DetroitSportsRag publishes the 2015 DSR Raggies for achievement — and lack thereof — in the Detroit sports media world over the last year.

We were going to have a huge shindig at the Laurel Manor in Livonia to announce this year’s recipients but then we remembered none of the nominees would show up and we couldn’t find a high-risk insurance company with a low enough premium for the liability coverage we’d need.

So, unfortunately, this year’s awards will be boringly announced in this article. As always, the Raggie Trophy is comprised of a Detroit snow globe, a “Made in Detroit” coffee cozy and one of Moss’s wife’s unused tampons. “Winners” should expect their award in the mail.

Worst Radio Broadcast Team
Jim Brandstatter and Dan Dierdorf
University of Michigan Football

The first-year broadcast team was an unmitigated disaster with the out-of-place Brandy mis-handling the play-by-play duties after the forced retirement of Frank Beckmann.

And the former U of M offensive lineman and CBS color announcer was no great shakes either in his first year in the Wolverine booth either.

Instead of going the conventional route and hiring either Matt Shepard or Doug Karsch to replace the racist, Tea-Party imbecile Beckmann, an attempt was made to utilize two color men. It was a bad decision from day one and the end product was atrocious.

First of all, Brandstatter has no business doing play-by-play. He isn’t in good enough shape to TALK THAT MUCH. Between his obesity and his cigarette smoking, the man constantly sounds out of breath and on the verge of a coronary. It is extremely disconcerting.

During the U of M/OSU game, Brandstatter mistook Devin Gardner for Devin Funchess several times. And vice-versa.

The best that can be said of this team is neither wrote a Detroit News Op-Ed piece stating that black people should be proud that they like fried chicken.

First Runner-Up: Will Tieman and Matt Steigenga (MSU Basketball)
Second Runner-Up: Dan Dickerson and Jim Price (Detroit Tigers)

Best Radio Broadcast Team
Ken Kal and Paul Woods
Detroit Red Wings

Kal is a consummate professional and the best play-by-play announcer in the city. Unfortunately, Woods doesn’t add much to the broadcast — with his odd voice and blasé analysis — but this team is still better than any other in Detroit.

First Runner-Up: Dan Miller and Jim Brandstatter (Detroit Lions)

Worst Twitter Feed
Anthony “The Beast” Fenech
Detroit Free Press

This was probably the most contentious category this year due to many deserving recipients. In the end, the Freep Tigers beat writer separated himself by:

1) Sending idiotic selfies of himself
2) Wishing Tigers players a Happy Birthday
3) Commencing a daily countdown until Opening Day 2015
4) Tweeting out a picture of himself in a dumb John Lowe hat taken by Tim Kurkjian.

And his Tigers takes aren’t so hot, either. He narrowly edged out the Detroit News‘ Lynn Henning, who spent the year accusing everyone who disagreed with him on the Twat Box of being Jiff Myst. Only his spot-on political Tweets saved him from his own paranoia.

First Runner-Up: Lynn Henning (Detroit News)
Second Runner-Up: Vincent Goodwill, Jr. (Detroit News)
Third Runner-Up: Terry Foster (Detroit News)

Best Twitter Feed
Tony Paul
Detroit News

The News’ national beat writer retains last year’s crown while even improving on his 2013 performance.

From breaking the news on social media that the Tigers were on the verge of trading for David Price at the deadline and predicting the Yoenis Cespedes/Rick Porcello trade weeks before it occurred to his day-in and day-out Tigers coverage and his socially-conscious Tweets (especially on LGBT issues), Paul separated himself from the pack in 2014.

First Runner-Up: Josh Katzenstein (Detroit News)
Second Runner-Up: Kyle Meinke (MLive.com)
Third Runner-Up: Brian Manzullo (Detroit Free Press)

Worst Television Anchor
Dan Miller
Fox-2

This doesn’t have anything to do with Miller’s ability to read the sports news off a teleprompter and EVERYTHING to do with his continued insistence on polluting the airwaves with his horrid Sportsworks guests on his Sunday evening program.

Miller’s loyalty to his imbecilic media friends has always been a major issue but the problem had never been as pronounced as it was in 2014. Miller repeatedly gave airtime to a well-documented troll (Drew Sharp), a five-tool imbecile (Terry Foster) and an inarticulate slob (Pat Caputo).

The saddest part of this travesty is Miller obviously knows better; I am fairly confident he doesn’t have much respect for the above dipshits.

In the old days, this was an almost unavoidable problem since you couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a Detroit sports media dummy. Now, however, any of the finalists for the Best Twitter account would be viable panelists along with folks like Dave Birkett, John U. Bacon and Justin Rogers.

But keep giving a platform to the above jackasses and the played-out pair of Bob Wojnowski and Jamie Samuelsen, Dapper.

And when you are a #1 or #2 seed in the DSR Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality Tournament next month, remember that you gave airtime to a guy who claimed Ndamukong Suh was overrated and maintains the Doug Fister deal was the right thing to do.

First Runner-Up: Bernie Smilovitz (WDIV-4)
Second Runner-Up: Ryan Ermanni (Fox-2)
Third Runner-Up: Jennifer Hammond (Fox-2)

Best Television Anchor
Tom Leyden
WXYZ-7

He seems fine and — considering all of the diaper changing and babysitting he has to do with Justin Rose and Brad Galli — I figured I’d throw him a bone.

First Runner-Up: Woody Woodriffe (Fox-2)

Best Media Fight
Lynn Henning vs. Dave Hogg
Detroit News vs. Fox Sports Detroit Website

(Well, the best media brawl occurred between former WDFN personalities Lary Sorensen and Ike “Mega Man” Griffin, but since neither have been either relevant or working in this market for decades we couldn’t award them this Raggie.

But we’d highly recommend you familiarize yourself with this awesome feud by clicking here. I’ll wait ….)

It all started with a fairly innocuous back-and-forth Tweet by Hogg regarding journalists lazily relying on anonymous sources in their reporting.

Another blow to “Sources” journalism – how many baseball writers still had the Tigers as favorites for Castillo long after they dropped out?

— Dave Hogg (@Stareagle) August 23, 2014

But for some reason, the paranoid schizophrenic Henning took this personally …

@Lynn_Henning I have no idea who your sources are, nor do I particularly care. Never claimed that I did. — Dave Hogg (@Stareagle) August 23, 2014

Then Tony Paul got involved …

@Lynn_Henning @Stareagle Lynn, pay no mind. Here’s just another typical view from the cheap seats.

— Tony Paul (@TonyPaul1984) August 23, 2014

And the bickering went on ….

@Stareagle Then don’t issue broadstroke indictments. — Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) August 23, 2014

 

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) August 23, 2014

@Lynn_Henning I’ve said this for years – I have an issue with writers using “sources” as a constant crutch. Wouldn’t say you do that.

— Dave Hogg (@Stareagle) August 23, 2014

But the highlight of the exchange was a message that Henning sent to Paul after it was all over. One would have to imagine that Grandpa Lynn was trying to send a Direct Message, but who knows with this addled goof …..

@TonyPaul1984 Thanks, Tony — that weird little jackass just played into every grandstand criticism of our profession, ever. What a twit. — Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) August 23, 2014

It wasn’t exactly Darren Rovell vs. Richard Deitsch, but Henning calling Hogg a “twit” might have also been the Twitter moment of the year.

First Runner-Up: Tony Paul vs. Dave Hogg over a baseball official scorer debate
Second Runner-Up: Rod Allen vs. Mario Impemba Off the Air

Worst Local Sports Radio Show
Karsch and Anderson
97.1

This was another knock-down, drag-out battle with a lot of debate in the DSR newsroom but Scott “The Virgin Whale” Anderson and Doug “Benedict” Karsch ended up taking the top prize for their combination of awful sports takes and Detroit homerism. They constantly dumb-down the discourse by wasting a weekly interview with Jim Caldwell and are content to discuss an avalanche of embarrassing non-sports topics.

When these two dolts aren’t attacking basic math principles (the Cross-Eyed Virgin didn’t know how WHIP was calculated), they are offering up topics like this ….

Who has the best bread?
Would you hook up with a woman with 3 breasts?
What local community has the craziest parents?
Is the SI cover jinx for real? Who is the next victim?
Were you a Champ or Chump of the grill yesterday?
Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson?

I am not making any of this shit up.

It took a lot for someone to dethrone Drew Lane and Marc Fellhauer’s blatant homophobia and race baiting on 105.1, but The Whale’s constant fanboy defense of every sports team in Detroit is as nauseating as picturing the slob naked.

First Runner-Up: The Drew Lane Show (Detroit Sports 105.1)
Second Runner-Up: Anything with Dan Leach, Eric Thomas, Dennis Fithian, Pat Caputo, Terry Foster, Ryan Ermanni or Tom Mazawey

Best Local Sports Radio Show
Mike Valenti ALONE
97.1

Let me be very clear about this Raggie. This isn’t being awarded to Mike Valenti and Terry Foster. It’s not being awarded to Valenti when he is paired with Bob Wojnowski, Jamie Samuelsen or, for [Trout’s] sake, Dan Leach.

No. This honor is for Valenti when he is operating solo — sans any co-host and with as little interaction as possible with either his call screener, his producer or whoever else might chime in.

It’s pretty much the only time 97.1 is listenable. When Foster is on vacation — or out scheming about his next failed food-service business — and Valenti is in the WXYT-FM studio by himself, the show is actually pretty good.

When left to his own devices, Valenti sticks to sports. When he isn’t stuck playing the bad guy to Foster’s fun-loving family man who bangs Downriver skanks, the MSU grad is at his best.

Only Worm’s relationship with Mike McDermott in “Rounders” was more of an anchor than what Foster’s is with Valenti. Well, maybe Sharon Stone’s character in “Casino” was a bigger albatross to Ace, but you get where I am going here.

Yeah, I know that Valenti tends to read both this website and my Tweets and regurgitate some of my takes verbatim but that is probably why I like him when he is by himself.

First Runner-Up: The Baseball Show with Tony Paul (105.1)

Worst TV Broadcast
Mario Impemba and Rod Allen 
Fox Sports Detroit

The winner of this category should come as no surprise. Mario and Rod go back-to-back as the worst television broadcast team in town. If anything this pair was even worse in 2014. Hell, their personal animus toward EACH OTHER terrified even their bosses at FSD.

And not that Impemba and Allen needed any assistance, but the late-season addition of another math-challenged doofus in Jack Morris made the Tigers’ TV team even more unlistenable. Just listen to Morris try to explain to viewers that Ian Kinsler is going to be awarded an RBI for standing at home plate when a Cleveland pitcher threw a wild pitch … on an intentional walk attempt ….

Allen had MANY similar brain-dead moments himself, however ….

The Tigers 2014 MVP wasn’t either Max Scherzer or Victor Martinez … it was the mute button on your freaking television remote.

First Runner-Up: Ken Daniels and Mickey Redmond (Fox Sports Detroit)

Best TV Broadcast
Ken Daniels and Chris Osgood
Fox Sports Detroit

Wait. You are probably wondering how the Red Wings’ TV broadcast could get first runner-up as the worst announcing tandem and ALSO win the Raggie for best team.

It is very simple. When homer, slapdick Mickey Redmond and his played-out, old-fashioned commentary is the color announcer, the broadcast is awful. Nothing is more passé than “The Mick” shtick.

When Redmond isn’t available for road games because of his allergies to forks, knives and spoons, Chris Osgood fills in and does a very fair job of analyzing BOTH teams.

The irony of this situation is that Osgood does a MUCH better job of staying impartial while broadcasting than Redmond does even though Osgood is much closer to this group of guys — he PLAYED with some of them — and is currently EMPLOYED by the team as a goalie consultant.

And while Osgood still has some things to work on as a professional broadcaster, his hockey acumen cannot be questioned.

The Ozzie/Daniels pairing would be much more palatable if Daniels wasn’t such an awful Ken Holland apologist. The way Daniels defended the Wings’ decision to deal Calle Jarnkrok and a second-round pick for the corpse of David Legwand was an absolute joke.

Although, I do give Daniels credit for broaching the constant rumors that Mike Babcock might leave Detroit for Toronto at the end of this season.

Can you imagine Impemba and Allen mentioning THAT story if they covered the Wings? Not a chance in hell.

First Runner-Up: George Blaha and Greg Kelser (Fox Sports Detroit)

Check back tomorrow for the following Raggies ….

Worst Beat Writer
Best Beat Writer
The Jamie Samuelsen Memorial Raggie
The Montreal Screw Job Raggie
Worst Take by a Pundit
Worst Detroit Sports Media Moonlighting Raggie
The Ted Bundy Raggie
Newcomer of the Year
Twitter Faux Paus of the Year
The Captain Janks Raggie
Worst Beat Writer Who Doesn’t Cover a Detroit Team
Best Beat Writer Who Doesn’t Cover a Detroit Team
Worst Article of the Year
Best Article of the Year
The Detroit Sports Media Personality of the Year 

(You can follow Joff Mess on Twitter at @JeffMossDSR. You can join the Facebook discussion here. And if you enjoy the site and you want to contribute financially to the DSR, you can do that here.)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 20, 2015

Only in this HORRIBLE baseball town could the loss of a terrible utility player overshadow the departure of a former Cy Young winner and one of the best starting pitchers in the game.

But that is exactly what occurred on Sunday night in Detroit when it was learned that both Don Kelly and Max Scherzer would be leaving the Tigers to play in Miami and Washington D.C. respectively.

Sunday January 18, 2015 was the culmination of this despicable fan base gleaning their baseball information from the likes of John Lowe, Jon Paul Morosi, Tom Gage, Matthew B. Mowery, Doug Karsch and his virginal broadcast partner, Scott “The Whale” Anderson, Mario Impemba, Rod Allen, Dan Dickerson, Jim Price, Jason Beck, Chris Iott and websites like Uncle Tom bloggers BlessYouBoys.com for the past few years.

After years of garbage-in/garbage-out brainwashing of Tigers fans by the above homers, slapdicks and mathematically-challenged propagandists, the chickens finally came home to roost with the outpouring of good riddance for Scherzer and the memorial services people are having for DON KELLY.

Only in this embarrassing baseball town — where winning it all is somehow viewed as the cherry on top while divisional titles are overly glorified, individual achievements are sacrosanct and the minority of fans who actually are desperate for a World Series title are viewed as spoiled, petulant children — could this occur.

He was our Jeter… #DKB pic.twitter.com/LAu5HRkash

— Matthew Hibbs (@mattyhibbs) January 19, 2015

I mean …..

A starting pitcher in the prime of his career just left town — crippling the team’s starting rotation in what may have been the final year of a potential championship window — and many Tigers fans are preoccupied with the loss of a loser with a career WAR of .1.

Yes, according to FanGraphs.com, Don Kelly is pretty much the living embodiment of a Replacement-Level Player (meaning you could insert an International League player in his place with no decline in production) and fans are more melancholy about his exit than than that of a starter whose team won SEVENTY PERCENT of the games he pitched in Detroit.

Not sure if I’m more sad about Max Scherzer or Don Kelly.

— John Dingell (@JohnDingell) January 19, 2015

Can you imagine? And if that wasn’t bad enough from the Congressman who served for 59 years, the Samuel L. Jackson character from “Django Unchained” of websites, BlessYouBoys, posted this drivel on Twitter after the news of Kelly signing a MINOR LEAGUE contract with the Marlins became public ….

A sad face? Farewell, sweet prince? …

Ya gotta believe me …

This for a dude with a career OPS of .632. Of course, by using terms like WAR and OPS, I am already alienating 98% of Tigers fans who treat those advanced stats the same way Dr. Cornelius treated Charlton Heston in “Planet of the Apes.”

But Kelly was a GOOD GUY so it didn’t matter that he had already been let go TWICE by the Tigers with NO OTHER TEAMS wanting the guy and that the career nothing was taking the spot of a player who could have actually helped the Tigers WIN ….

Then, there was the time Don Kelly felt it was his job to cheer people up the day he got DFA’ed … http://t.co/mUS6zt5uvX

— Matthew B. Mowery (@matthewbmowery) January 19, 2015

Of course, the argument that Don Kelly lovers had made over the last couple of years is that Kelly was the prototypical 25th man and the problem wasn’t that he only had SIX extra-base hits in 185 plate appearances in 2014 — it was that the Tigers didn’t use him correctly.

That if only Jim Leyland — and later, Brad Ausmus — would have utilized him as a “25th man” on the roster, everything would have been copacetic. Well, can someone show me the team that goes through a season with ZERO INJURIES where the “25th man” doesn’t have to shoulder more of the load?

Well, the predictable occurred in 2014 and Kelly ended up in CENTERFIELD — a position he had no business playing — to which this evidence can attest …

Meanwhile, while the team’s flagship radio partner actually posed the following question ….

A majority of Tigers fans are actually HAPPY that Scherzer isn’t coming back. Why? Because he had the audacity to turn down the Tigers’ “generous” 6-year, $144-million deal. You know, the one Tigers management tried to brainwash you into believing was more than fair and that Scherzer was selfish for not accepting.

Except Max just received a better deal from the Nationals.

And by doing so, a sizable segment of fans is now callimg Scherzer disloyal. I am sure a bunch of those slobs would turn down a pay increase in order to stay with their current employer.

Oh, and by the way, while 100% of Tigers fans were all on board for the $144 million offer, a majority now are appalled at the actual deal Scott Boras landed his client with the Lerner family.

Even though Dave Cameron wrote on Monday that it’s really not that much different than the one the Tigers offered last spring ……

So, Max only has to justify about $170 million over the next seven years? That averages out to $24.28 million per season. Or in other words, .28 million more than what Dave Dombrowski had offered Scherzer — with an additional year included!!!!

The mentality of a Tigers fan reminds me of college football fans when they are in the hunt for a high school recruit. When they believe the five-star player is coming to their university, he is the greatest thing ever. But when that player has a change of heart and signs a letter of intent with a rival, he becomes just another guy.

If Scherzer would have signed a new deal with Detroit, the SAME people who are now saying he is a traitor who can’t finish his own games, is going to deteriorate quickly and isn’t worth the money would have thrown a parade down Woodward.

Not to mention that the backloaded contract Scherzer ended up signing would have been the perfect antidote for the team’s current budget constraints. Let the NEXT owner pick up some of the tab on Scherzer’s deal because there is no way the Ilitch family is keeping the Tigers after Mike dies.

Do you really think a prospective owner is going to walk away from purchasing the franchise over some deferred Max Scherzer payments? Get fucking real.

Yeah, if it’s someone like Dan Gilbert, whose childhood dream was to buy the team — for somewhere near a billion dollars — they aren’t going to balk over something so trivial. Dombrowski should have matched this offer because now — due to his own incompetence — he is left with zero good options.

The starting rotation now consists of David Price; Justin Verlander coming off a lousy season; the less-than-durable Anibal Sanchez; the potential one-year wonder of Shane Greene; and the absolute wildcard of Alfredo Simon.

I mean, Greene has pitched exactly one season in the majors and he wasn’t considered to be much of a prospect before that.

Simon is coming off a horrendous second half and he has never pitched well in the American League. And there are no sensible options by which Dombrowski can improve the starting staff in 2015.

James Shields is a couple of years older than Scherzer and committing to him until he is 37 is insane considering the number of excellent starting pitchers who will be available as free-agents next offseason.

And while there might be a few quality starters available via the trade market, what assets does Dombrowski have to offer now that he has obliterated his depleted farm system while chasing his tail trying to recover from the Original Sin … the Doug Fister Debacle.

We are basically fucked and none of this even had to occur. As DSR contributor @JFunk2800 pointed out on Monday, if Dombrowski hadn’t been in a rush to overpay both Miguel Cabrera and Verlander two years before they became free-agents, the money they would have SAVED on those eventual deals would have helped in re-upping with Scherzer.

Or, ya know, he could have refrained from trading Fister in return for the clearance table at Five Below. If the team’s window wasn’t closing fast enough already, Dombrowski’s actions have been battening it down like he’s a Palm Beach resident expecting a Category Five hurricane at any moment.

And as all of this goes down in real time, many Tigers fans are sitting shiva over the loss of a guy whom Baseball-Reference compares to Gary Varsho and Max Venable while telling Scherzer to not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out of town.

It would be like if someone stole your Rolls-Royce and you didn’t care that the car was gone but were brokenhearted that the Jax air freshener inside had also been lifted. 

No. 1 trending topic in Detroit right now: Don Kelly. — Jon Morosi (@jonmorosi) January 19, 2015

Someone please nuke this city and just end it all already.