By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 2, 2016

On this week’s DSR Podcast, I interviewed Dom Luszczyszyn about his article in The Hockey News declaring the Red Wings’ Steve Ott/Drew Miller/Luke Glendening line being the worst in the NHL.  

Current GreggHenson.com Editor-in-Chief Justin Spiro joined the show to discuss this HORRIFIC Rochelle Riley column regarding censorship.

And we also talked the Lions, Mark Dantonio’s cowardly coaching on Saturday and Ryan Ermanni’s passive aggressive emails to me from over the weekend.

(You can follow the writer of this piece on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. Also, you can join in on the discussion of this article on Facebook by clicking here.)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 5, 2016

Facebook Friends,

Only three days left. If you are voting for Donald Trump please unfriend me because I really do believe you ARE a deplorable human being.

I have already preemptively unfriended (or hid) many of you morons who would support such a despicable cunt.

I am not looking for a debate here. I am just telling you that you’ve been judged.

You’ve decided to hand the keys to the free world over to the most unprepared dipshit in the history of the Republic. A racist. A xenophobe. A science denier. A person who has sexually assaulted nearly a dozen women. A human being with zero moral fiber. A pathological liar. Calling him a misogynist is kind.

There is nothing redeeming about this “human being.” At all. Including his Stepford Children.

If you are voting for him you’ve aligned yourself with the KKK, the Aryan Nation, the KGB and Islamic terrorists. These are the groups also desirous of a Trump presidency.

Whatever happens on Tuesday, the country has already lost. At a minimum 42 to 43% of you think Donald Trump is qualified to declare a nuclear war with ZERO OVERSIGHT.

If you REALLY want to commit suicide, I would rather you wake up Tuesday morning, go into your garage, turn your car on and DON’T open the garage door. Just click on Breitbart or Drudge and read whatever nonsense of your choosing until the fumes overcome you.

Just leave the rest of us alone with your death wish. The ones who don’t want a psychopath with the nuclear briefcase. Or who don’t want the Paris Agreement overturned by an orange fascist.

And you are welcome to post a comment here telling me that HRC killed Vince Foster or cry about meaningless emails or spew your Sean Hannity talking points about the Clinton Foundation.

You can even bring up Juanita Broaddrick or Gennifer Flowers or DNA stained dresses.

Please do. I would rather have you imbeciles out in the open.

It will be easier to block you fucks forever.

Have a nice weekend,

Moss

(You can follow the writer of this piece on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. Also, you can join in on the discussion of this article on Facebook by clicking here.)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 6, 2016

A couple of weeks ago when it became clear that current Detroit Tigers owner Chris Ilitch had ordered his General Manager Al Avila to slash payroll to further line the family’s coffers (approaching SIX BILLION), I mentioned that when that austerity program started I would strike back.

Well, earlier this week that teardown began with the asinine trade of Cameron Maybin to the Angels for reliever project Victor Alcantara so my retribution commences today.

And before I get to Chris and the rest of his dysfunctional family, let’s discuss the Tigers’ trade of their only viable centerfielder on the roster. And let’s stop this asinine narrative that the Tigers are looking to get “younger and leaner.” No, they are positioning themselves to be CHEAPER so they will have fewer salary commitments when Chris eventually puts the team on the market after his father dies.

Maybin was scheduled to make $9 million in 2017 and considering most sabermetricians will tell you that one Win Above Replacement is conservatively worth $7 million, Maybin definitely earned his keep this past season when he posted an fWAR of 2.0. Even with all of his injury issues.

It was a no-brainer baseball-wise to pick up Maybin’s option but because of Chris Ilitch’s insistence on slashing the payroll, we are now left with the internal options of JaCoby Jones, Tyler Collins and Anthony Gose in centerfield.

They are all bad choices based on various factors. One isn’t ready for MLB, another is not a centerfielder and he can’t hit for shit, and the last option is a team cancer who started the season in Detroit, ended ended it in DOUBLE A and was considered too toxic for a September call-up.

Nobody is going to confuse Maybin for Willie Mays but he had a very good season in 2016 and the Tigers were a MUCH better team with him in the lineup. For one year at $9 million, Maybin was a very good value.

In return for Maybin, the Tigers received a relief pitcher who lost three miles off his fastball in 2016 and who also has monumental control issues. The Tigers are trying to sell you that he is a quality prospect with a great arm, yet he ONLY struck out 6.41 per 9IP last year while WALKING 4.62 per 9.

This was a salary dump, pure and simple with the biggest bonus for the Tigers being that they didn’t have to spend $1 million to buy out Maybin so they traded him for a poor man’s Al Alburquerque instead.

Which leads me to this article where I promised to publish Ilitch family dirty laundry once this unnecessary purge began. There is absolutely no reason this should be occurring. The Tigers were a couple of tweaks away from contending in 2017 and now we are stuck waiting for the next shoe to drop.

If Chris Ilitch doesn’t want to own the Tigers just sell the GOD DAMN TEAM. Or take it on the chin until the old man passes and keep Mike’s salary structure in place.

From what I have been told by my Little Caesars/Olympia Entertainment/Foxtown spies, Mike Ilitch’s condition is extremely grave. 

How bad is it?

Chris Ilitch already has a “team” at Fox HQ working on funeral arrangements. Chris has even gone as far to HIRE someone to write the eulogy HE is going to give for his father. Yes, you read that correctly. Instead of penning his own father’s eulogy he has outsourced that to someone else.

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? I have been told by several Ilitch family subordinates that Chris Ilitch is a fucking robot, but I am sure even Delores Abernathy of “Westworld” could have written a fine tribute to her dad, Peter.

WHO HIRES SOMEONE TO WRITE THEIR DAD’S EULOGY?!???!?!??!??!?!

At this point you might be asking yourself how someone who took over his father’s empire be so pathetic that he needed assistance in writing a tribute to the man at his funeral. Well, what other family member was going to take over the Little Caesars empire?

Mike Ilitch, Jr? The moron who was once arrested for possession of crack cocaine and whose financial claim to fame was the film adaptation of the TV show “Lost in Space,” which was an absolute boondoggle?

Yep, Junior was a producer for that abomination on celluloid which was nominated for a Golden Raspberry for worst remake of 1998 — which came only a year after the drug arrest. Proving Whitney Houston’s old adage that crack is indeed whack.

Or how about Ronald Ilitch? Well, unfortunately, this Ilitch offspring also had a taste for Nino Brown’s product and he was arrested on cocaine charges in 2014. Ronnie boy had the added bonus of getting caught with a HOOKER.

Nor was this the first time Ron ran afoul of the law. In 2004 he was arraigned and charged with two counts of domestic violence.

I am sure there are a lot of qualities Mike, Sr. was looking for in an heir to his business empire. Cocaine use, hanging out with prostitutes and allegedly beating up an ex-girlfriend probably weren’t chief among them.

And then you had the daughter that Mike and Marian Ilitch banished from the Fox building when they played their own game of Sophie’s Choice and chose Chris over Denise Ilitch.

Of course, Denise had past experience with both the Wings and Tigers herself — if you want to count allegedly being present at the Detroit/Windsor border when former pugilist winger Bob Probert was arrested for cocaine possession. (See a recurring theme here?)

This is from the New York Times account back in 1989 when “Probie” got pinched:

The rumor is that the other man in the car was teammate Adam Oates and one of the women was Denise and that pair had some sort of relationship.

When the future Hall of Famer Oates was inexplicably dealt to St. Louis along with Paul MacLean for old farts Bernie Federko and Tony McKegney, the whispers persisted that this was not a hockey move but related to the owner’s daughter sleeping with the star center.

That trade was the worst in Detroit sports history but it wasn’t Denise’s only foray into her dad’s sports operations.

When she was still involved with the Tigers she and her lackey Jim Stapleton (who at the time was Senior Vice President of Business Affairs) would attempt to micromanage the media because they didn’t like the critical coverage of the team.

Keep in mind this was during the 2003 season when her family’s franchise lost 119 games and was one loss away from being the worst team in baseball history. Still, Denise didn’t like the coverage the team was getting at their flagship station (WXYT AM-1270) so she orchestrated the removal of then- program director Gregg Henson from the channel.

I am not sure how Denise thought 1270 was supposed to spin a .265 win percentage, but Henson ended up getting transferred to 97.1 due to Denise’s bitterness.

Her biggest transgression to the family though might have been declaring herself a Democrat when she ran for University of Michigan Regent back in 2008 which didn’t sit well with Mike and Marian. I have been told by my Olympia Entertainment moles that they are staunch Republicans.

And by the way, Denise is up for reelection on Tuesday so if you want to give a big fuck you to the Ilitch family go ahead and vote for someone else. In fact, the DSR is officially endorsing Laurence B. Deitch  and Latham Redding. (You get to vote for two candidates.)

And then there is Denise’s youngest sister who might have committed the greatest sin of all in the eyes of Mike. She married a Jewish guy, which didn’t go over well with the patriarch of the family at all according to my sources.

The marriage of Carol Ilitch and David Trepeck ended in a he said/she said divorce firestorm that included accusations of anti-Semitism, domestic violence, overbearing Ilitch family influence and sour business deals.

The other two children (Atanas and Lisa) were never real threats to Chris’ power play inside the family structure so as Mike’s final days are counted down, we are left with Chris decimating the Detroit Tigers because, according to my sources, he can’t sell them while Mike is still alive.

And who is Chris Ilitch? Well, the picture I received from subordinates and former employees is of an insecure, thin-skinned man who can’t take a piss without conferring with his circle of “Yes Men,” who is despised by a majority of his siblings and who has very few friends.

Supposedly only two of the sisters even speak to Chris and that’s because of their role with the family business.

Not that the family hasn’t always been a mess. And maybe when Chris Ilitch oversees the trade of my favorite Tiger (J.D. Martinez) I will unload the dossier, which includes the multiple tips I have received over the years from folks at family weddings telling me about Mike, Sr. getting ossified drunk in front of strangers, and ugly arguments between him and Marian.

Or, if you have a tip about the Ilitch Family you’d like to share, let me buy you lunch. Email me at DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com.

Maybe we can discuss the Wayne State University “Mike Ilitch School of Business” debacle or how the family took over $250 million in public funds to build Little Caesars Arena with the caveat that over 50% of the workers had to live in Detroit and how they have failed to comply — resulting in a $500,000 fine.

Maybe we can even break bread at Denise’s Birmingham restaurant … 220 Merrill.

Meanwhile, I am going to stay on Chris Ilitch’s ass until he sells the Tigers because this is the message he is giving fans of the team, direct from his new centerfielder with a 2016 fWAR of .1 ….

Just sell the team, asshole.

And write your OWN father’s freaking eulogy, ya god damn robot.

(You can follow the writer of this piece on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. Also, you can join in on the discussion of this article on Facebook by clicking here.)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 7, 2016

On this week’s installment of Mondays with Moss on Ryan Schuiling’s program on 92.1 in Lansing, we discussed the Red Wings losing streak, Tyler Bertuzzi’s call-up and my Chris Ilitch story from Sunday.

We also hit on the Lions victory over the Vikings and the continued awfulness of the NFL coaching fraternity when it comes to time management. Oh yeah, and throat lozenges.

(You can follow the writer of this piece on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. Also, you can join in on the discussion of this article on Facebook by clicking here.)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 7, 2017

(This article was originally written for the Metro Times. I guess they didn’t want to double their average daily web hits of their most read article …. Horoscopes. So I have resurrected the DSR for the time being to post this for you. Hopefully when you click this you won’t be led to Japanese anime porn as the site was hacked over the last couple of months. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was informed of this Podesta’ing by my mother. Anyway, here ya go ….)

Five hundred ninety six thousand, one hundred sixty minutes. Five hundred ninety six thousand, one hundred sixty minutes. No, this is not a sequel to the musical Rent written on spec, but the amount of time that has passed since 97.1FM radio host Mike Valenti last sent out a Tweet.

The loudmouth sports talker has curiously refrained from utilizing the social media platform since November 20, 2015 even though he allegedly has an audience of over 88,000 followers on the preferred social media platform of journalists and talk show hosts.

(A quick audit of Valenti’s Twitter handle indicates that over half of his followers are actually porn bot relatives of Clementine from Westworld, but a Twitter audience of over 43,000 is still nothing to sneeze at when attempting to push your product.)

So the obvious question is why someone in broadcasting with that sort of social media audience would eschew an easy avenue to promote their radio program to the masses while ignoring an accessible way to interact with their fan base.

I have been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of another under media personality under 40 who absolutely refuses to utilize Twitter to further their brand. I haven’t come up with one solitary name.

Of course, his social media disappearance isn’t exactly a mystery to anyone who has been paying attention to Valenti’s 13-year career in Detroit. It’s the same reason why he refuses to attend Lions, Tigers, Pistons and Red Wings press conferences. The same reason why Valenti is most comfortable sitting at a console behind a microphone in a cocoon with the protection of a call screener, 16-second delay and a dump button while co-hosting with a tomato can of a broadcast partner.

The reason 13 months have passed since Valenti utilized Twitter is because he is a studio gangsta. A big mouth radio star who can’t handle criticism or debate of any sort and, unlike his radio program where he has three layers of protection from dissent, the Michigan State grad has no such shelter from the unwashed masses on social media.

So, in an almost unprecedented move for someone in his profession and generation, Valenti bolted Twitter for his own personal safe space inside the CBS Radio compound. A place from where he seldom if ever strays.

Even if you are inclined to believe that Twitter is a twisted cesspool filled with Mos Eisley-esque cretins, how can you explain Valenti’s absolutely cowardly refusal to attend major press conferences in an effort to get answers from the local teams for Detroit sports fans?

You can make the argument that Valenti is the most powerful sports media personality in town based on his number one rated afternoon drive program, yet where was he when Tigers General Manager Al Avila was informing the local media that the team would be slashing payroll while the Ilitch family – worth an estimated 4.5 billion dollars – were in the middle of accepting $284.5 million dollars in public investment for their new Little Caesars Arena project?

Where was Valenti to question whose decision it was for the Tigers to become more fiscally conservative? Where was the phony who acts like he speaks truth to power in his cozy studio swivel chair to question if this decision was being made by the gravely ill Mike Ilitch or by his Stepford son, Chris?

Valenti is fully aware that his media brethren in this town are soft and weak and basically P.R. appendages of the franchises themselves – something he regularly rails about on his weekday show – so where was he when Tom Gores and Chris Ilitch jointly announced that the Pistons would be moving from Auburn Hills to Olympia Entertainment’s new, posh Downtown home?

While many of his cohorts might be terrified to ask the Pistons owner why he is requesting $34.5 million in captured taxes to move the Pistons 45 minutes away when Gores just purchased a $100 million, 30,000-square foot mansion in Los Angeles which features ten bedrooms and 20 bathrooms, hasn’t Valenti built up enough equity in this town to pose such a query?

(Not for nothing, do you know how many “Two Men and a Truck” movers you can afford with nearly 35 million clams just to transition from Oakland to Wayne county???)

But the coward is never around for these pressers. The one time Valenti actually showed up to “confront” local team management in person, he humiliated himself in the aftermath. A few years back Valenti was extremely critical of then Tigers manager Jim Leyland.

Valenti would constantly rant and rave on the air about Leyland’s penchant for playing bums like Don Kelly and Ryan Raburn, giving his stars too much rest, and compounding the team’s bullpen issues.

Then one day Valenti was granted an audience with Leyland in the manager’s office and, based on Valenti’s radio synopsis of the conference, you would have thought Leyland either hypnotized his critic or the Marlboro fumes went straight to Valenti’s brain.

The telephone tough guy went from vociferous critic to Leyland’s enabler. Valenti wouldn’t divulge much of what occurred inside the bowels of Comerica Park, but he kept reciting the the following mantra …..

“Trust me, Jim gets it.”

It was an embarrassing and emasculating display by Valenti and one could only compare it to Keith Olbermann having coffee at a Starbucks with alt-right advisor Steve Bannon and then returning to his GQ.com studio to assure his terrified audience that everything is going to be just fine during the next four years of Donald’s Trump’s presidency.

So maybe it’s a good thing the studio gangsta doesn’t show up for these pressers after all. The weakling might do more harm than good anyway.

Ironically, from day one of his Detroit radio existence, Valenti has made sure his WXYT experience has been as insulated as possible. He basically handpicked Terry Foster as his first radio partner because Valenti knew Foster was a clownish buffoon who didn’t take the work seriously and who couldn’t challenge him on any sort of intellectual level.

And even when Valenti would get extremely frustrated with Foster’s lack of show preparedness and overall laziness towards their radio gig – which on occasion has led to screaming matches inside the CBS Radio headquarters – Valenti never attempted to maneuver behind the scenes to get Foster replaced.

Why? Because Valenti always desired a stooge for a partner. He wanted his own personal Alan Colmes to his Sean Hannity. And it’s not like Valenti has been averse to pulling strings behind the scenes to move pieces around the 97.1 chessboard. And if you don’t want to take my word for it, just ask his former co-worker and morning drive host Bill McAllister.

(Good luck, you have a better chance of uncovering Jimmy Hoffa. Or Scott Anderson locating the clitoris.)

And while Foster convalesced from a stroke he suffered in August that knocked him off the airwaves, Mikey V. was teamed with another useful idiot who poses no threat to Valenti in the dopey Jeff Riger.

Valenti has gone from one punching bag to the next. At this point the “Italian Scallion” seems to be aping Rocky Balboa’s strategy at the beginning of Rocky III by mixing it up with a bunch of stiffs while avoiding Clubber Lang.

Earlier this year Valenti’s contract at 97.1 was expiring and his CBS Radio superiors approached him about leaving the Detroit market for a sister-station in Philadelphia which would have been a much more lucrative opportunity for Valenti.

Philadelphia is the fourth largest media market in the country while Detroit has slipped to thirteenth. Valenti would have made exponentially more money in the city of Brotherly Love while being eased into that market.

Of course, Valenti said no to this career advancement and instead re-upped in Detroit and this decision goes way beyond his preference for being a big fish in a small pond. While Valenti might be a blowhard coward, he isn’t stupid.

The M.S.U. loyalist has built his career on trolling U of M diehards (both alumni and the easily baited Walmart Wolverines) while placating his fellow Spartans. That’s the shtick which has gotten him his current status and that definitely was not going to play in Philly.

Eagles and Phillies fans couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the collegiate civil war occurring in our backyard. Without that crutch to fall back on he would have been totally lost.

I can only imagine how Philadelphia fans – who have yet to enjoy a Super Bowl championship — would have welcomed an upstate New Yorker who whines about his Giants by bashing both a quarterback in Eli Manning who possesses two rings and Odell Beckham, Jr.

Valenti would have ended up back in Detroit faster than you could say Bill Bonds or Bernie Smilovitz.

And I am sure this article will be met with scorn from many of Valenti’s loyal Sparty enablers. They will accuse me of being jealous of Valenti. And to be quite honest, I am envious of the bully pulpit that Valenti possesses and yet fails to properly exploit.

Because while Valenti refuses to show up and ask Jim Caldwell or Brad Ausmus questions, I am forced to sneak into these pressers to pose the tough inquiries or lie about losing my press pass for the Detroit Jewish News at a Yom Kippur dinner.

And I have always found the envy angle to be quite off since it was Valenti who once contacted me about writing for MY website, ripped off several of my takes with all of the grace of Carlos Mencia, and became a thoroughbred horse racing enthusiast years after I had written about the Sport of Kings ad nauseam.

Hell, he even married a girl named Melissa with blonde hair and blue eyes AFTER I married a girl named Melissa with blonde hair and blue eyes. If anyone should be picking up loose nail clippings and bagging and disposing of them in fear of DNA theft it’s me, not Valenti.

So let @MSUFan1978 and @SpartyDan69 rag on me for writing the truth about Mike Valenti. I don’t mind.

At least they have the testicular fortitude to get in the ring on Twitter and not hide behind a microphone.

This is the point on my old website where I’d end this post with a salacious quote line from an Eazy-E song about studio gangstas to drop the hammer on this particular article. But I have turned over a new leaf and will not be resorting to those type of shenanigans.

Now you will have to excuse me while I peruse this website for advice from Dan Savage on proper oral sex protocol during a soft-swap swinger session.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 11, 2017

Last week, radio host Terry Foster returned to the 97.1 airwaves after a five month absence caused by two strokes the longtime Detroit sports media personality suffered over the second half of 2016. But Foster’s return to his PM drive show with co-host Mike Valenti has not been seamless, as one might expect after experiencing such a serious health issue.

Yesterday, I asked my followers on Twitter — who have tuned into Foster’s return —  about their impressions of T-Fos’ overall performance and the response was not good …..

@JeffMossDSR uncomfortable to listen to. It’s almost the radio version of Lee Corso

— michael (@cody17blue) January 9, 2017

@JeffMossDSR Its really uncomfortable to listen to. He clearly has speech issues and his thought process is way off. He makes no sense

— Craig (@cmacfar74) January 9, 2017

@JeffMossDSR it’s somewhat heartbreaking to listen to but I’m holding out that it will improve in the coming weeks as he gets back into it

— Paul Damiano (@LastVerstehen) January 9, 2017

@JeffMossDSR u can tell he really has to take his time and think about the words before he says them… hoping the best for him

— Tim W (@t_wolner) January 9, 2017

@JeffMossDSR Valenti trying to act like everything’s back to normal (it’s not). Uncomfortable.

— Jonathan Schulz (@jschulz79) January 9, 2017

@JeffMossDSR Terry is slow, loses train of though, etc.. he shouldnt be there. Mike is pretty harsh at times with him as well

— Mark Fleming (@flemgoblue) January 9, 2017

@Baze136 @JeffMossDSR slow and lethargic and mike seemingly attacks… its awful

— Mark Fleming (@flemgoblue) January 9, 2017

@JeffMossDSR fourth hour you can clearly hear him out of breath and struggling.

— TigersAhole (@TigersAsshole) January 9, 2017

The above comments have to be concerning to the CBS Radio executives who were hesitant about Foster rushing back to his gig after dealing with speech and energy issues resulting from the two strokes. Broadcasting on the air for four hours is a stressful daily exercise and any impairment of motor skills would be a major obstacle to performing that job.

Which leads us to today’s story. Sources have informed me that Foster has not been announcing his “live reads” live. If you aren’t familiar with radio vernacular, a live read is an advertisement which is read by one of the hosts during a break. It’s called a live read because the personality is reading it LIVE. Not on tape.

These type of ads are the most expensive at a radio station for obvious reasons. You are less likely to switch the station if the commercial is coming to you in the body of the show and seems organic. These type of ads are sold at a premium because they are the most likely to engage the listener/consumer.

For example, during Howard Stern’s radio program, a live read is something you probably wouldn’t want to shut off because you might miss something entertaining or funny. Some of the greatest moments in show history have occurred during live reads, including Artie Lange’s admission that he was addicted to heroin.

According to my sources, Foster was having a difficult time getting through the live commercials upon his return so the station resorted to taping the spots. If CBS is still selling the ads as live reads even though they aren’t, this is a huge radio no-no and would amount to fraudulent behavior.

There was an obvious case this past Monday of an alleged live read being taped and this was confirmed to the DSR by a CBS source.

The entire situation is unfortunate and has CBS Radio in quite a predicament. The station would look callous if they got rid of Foster or demoted him because his health barred him from completing mundane tasks like reading a live spot.

And Foster is in a precarious position as he was forced out by the Detroit News last year when the paper gave him an ultimatum to replace Vincent Goodwill on the Pistons’ beat. He obviously couldn’t do that and the radio show so he wisely chose the broadcasting job.

With a daughter on the precipice of college — and looking at Ivy League schools at that — this is no time for Foster’s career to be in turmoil.

And I don’t think the food services business is a viable option at this point either.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
January 12, 2017

It was late July of 2015. The Detroit Tigers were only four games out of a Wild Card slot and Justin Verlander — who had missed the first 2 1/2 months of the season with an injury — was starting to resemble the old Justin Verlander.

There was still two months left in the season and General Manager Dave Dombrowski could have easily drained whatever remained from his dilapidated farm system and attempted to make one more run at the World Series ring that had eluded him while in Detroit.

The writing was already on the wall that Dombrowski would not be returning to the Tigers the following year. He was on the verge of his own free-agency and Mike Ilitch had shown no inclination to get into a bidding war for his longtime executive’s services. There was very little reason for Dombrowski to sell and every motive to buy with whatever prospects remained in the system.

One more kick at the can — the acquisition of a starting pitcher and a reliever coupled with Verlander’s resurgence — would have been extremely sellable to the man writing his paycheck. And with Dombrowski rumored to be headed to Toronto or Boston by the end of the year, resistance to rejuvenate the farm system by trading David Price, Yoenis Cespedes and Joakim Soria would pay dividends since Dombrowski was almost guaranteed to be an American League rival of the Tigers.

But Dombrowski didn’t selfishly gut the Tigers’ minor league operation any further. Instead, he went to Ilitch and told him the right thing to do was to deal the team’s impending free-agents and rebuild with prospects like Michael Fulmer, Daniel Norris, Matthew Boyd and JaCoby Jones.

And for that altruistic deed, Dombrowski was unceremoniously fired by Ilitch a mere five days later and replaced with his second-in-command, Al Avila. After 15 years of loyal service to Little Caesar, Dombrowski was tarred and feathered for an incredibly selfless act.

Unfortunately, it would appear that the lesson Dombrowski’s former Olympia Entertainment counterpart Ken Holland learned from that act was not that “tanking” and dealing assets could set his team up for the future (as evidenced by reigning AL Rookie of the Year Fulmer’s 2016 season), but that it probably isn’t a good idea to go to the Ilitches and tell them the truth about a sports franchise they own.

Because while Dombrowski was hoisted with his own petard, Holland has been selfishly running a Ponzi scheme for years in a clear effort to never meet the same fate as Dave did. Salary Cap Era Ken Holland has never put the interests of his hockey team in front of his own. Ever. Instead he has done everything to keep his gig for as long as humanly possible.

The most obvious example of this occurred back in 2010 when Steve Yzerman was offered the GM gig with the Tampa Bay Lightning. Mike Ilitch didn’t want to see Stevie Y. leave so he asked Holland to move upstairs as Team President while letting “The Captain” make personnel decisions.

This type of move would not have been unprecedented in the Red Wings organization as Jimmy Devellano had done something similar years earlier. But Holland refused and #19 fled south.

And in the ensuing years Holland has made transaction after transaction that can only be described as robbing Peter to pay Paul in a quest to continue the team’s playoff streak and keep any heat off himself. That list of transgressions is longer than Boban Marjanovic’s left arm and includes trading a first round pick for Kyle Quincey and giving ridiculous contract extensions to Jonathan Ericsson and Justin Abdelkader. And don’t even get me started on the cavalcade of awful free-agenct signings.

Not to mention trading Calle Jarnkrok, Mattias Janmark and others for aging forwards at the deadline in an effort to qualify for the postseason and become cannon fodder for a higher seed.

Ah, yes. The playoff streak. The absolutely meaningless run that has only been extended during the final weekend of the regular season over the past few seasons and continues to do more harm than good to the future of this organization. A streak which SHOULD have ended last spring if not for Boston goalie Tukka Rask getting diarrhea from some bad chicken wings.

And while Dombrowski gave up on his last chance in Detroit to win it all, Holland has clutched that playoff streak like a man shipwrecked and clinging to a life preserver. Holland passed up his latest chance to start the rebuilding process in Detroit this past summer when he wasted every cent of the salary cap on a collection of “talent” that currently has the team in last place in the Atlantic Division.

In fact, Holland’s decision to deal Pavel Datsyuk’s dead contract to Arizona — and in the process pass on a potential top-pairing defenseman in the body of Jakob Chychrun — while spending up to the cap on Frans Nielsen, Darren Helm, Thomas Vanek and Steve Ott has accomplished the wonderful feat of Detroit owning the fourth worst record in the NHL as you read this.

Yep, if the season ended today the Red Wings would have the fifth best chance in the draft lottery of obtaining the number one overall pick. (The expansion Las Vegas franchise automatically will have the third best shot.)

Hell, the last time the Wings were this bad the Internet hadn’t even been invented yet, so you couldn’t spend all day playing with an NHL Draft Simulator. And for the record, it took me six spins before the Wings received the first pick.

And while the Red Wings are only six points out of a playoff spot, they’d have to pass FIVE teams to continue that stupid fucking streak. That’s not happening, so it’s BEYOND time for Ken Holland to make the decision that Dombrowski made a year and a half ago.

SELL.

Now, dealing Vanek, Brendan Smith, Jimmy Howard, Mike Green, Gustav Nyquist and Tomas Tatar is probably not going to get you a hockey equivalent of Fulmer or Norris, but it’s LONG past the time for this team to start regrouping while trying to surround Anthony Mantha, Dylan Larkin and Andreas Athanasiou with some more young talent.

For too long the Wings’ GM has seemingly only cared about his own resume. He’s acted like a cancer patient who has been told his disease is incurable yet he insists to his oncologist that radiation and chemo treatments need to continue.

You’d think this would be a no-brainer decision and not worthy of a 1,200-word article, but this is the same GM who nine months ago thought Joakim Andersson should be included on the Wings’ playoff roster over Mantha.

(And while Mantha has been the team’s best forward since inexplicably spending the first 15 games of the season in GRAND RAPIDS, Andersson is now playing for something called Örebro HK in Europe. I would tell you what Andersson’s stats are but you can’t find them on the Internet. Seriously. I couldn’t dig them up. He must really be playing in a prestigious league.)

The same Ken Holland who said this about Mantha when Detroit fans were irate over the Mantha snub ….

Yep. Why would anyone think that Mantha could help a goal-starved franchise in their postseason series against Tampa? He only has 11 goals in 26 games this year. In his ENTIRE NHL career of 205 games, Andersson had 15 fucking goals.

Hahhahhahahahahahahah.

Anyway, it’s now bloody obvious that Holland needs to pick up the phone, call Chris Ilitch and advise him that the prudent decision is to commence the rebuild now. That starts with trading any veteran with remotely any value.

And one can only hope that after the deed is done, Holland meets the same fate as Dombrowski.

Thanks for the memories and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. We don’t think you are the answer any longer.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
February 7, 2017

Last Thursday, a few days before Super Bowl LI, WXYZ-7 aired a segment regarding a Royal Oak man who was on the verge of winning a million-dollar prize through a Birmingham-based phone app called “Four Play Football.”

After 17 weeks of regular season picks and three rounds of playoffs (we will get to the rules of the game in a moment), 39-year-old Dominic Mirabella only needed to select the winner between New England and Atlanta against the spread on Sunday.

Mirabella picked the Patriots giving three points — presuming they were using the Vegas line — and allegedly won the million-dollar prize when Tom Brady and company pulled off their miraculous comeback Sunday evening.

The Detroit News picked up the story and ran an article about Mirabella’s incredible run of picking 81 straight games on Monday morning. Now, before we go any further, I need to clarify a couple of things.

The app has an obstacle course set up for any person trying to win the seven-figure prize. You don’t have to pick 81 winners against the spread or even heads-up. The odds of either occurring are comparable to the sun imploding later this afternoon. Or to Doug Karsch making a salient point about the NHL.

No, the rules are as follows:

“Picking teams against the spread which is padded by 14 points during the regular season, 10 points during early playoff rounds, 6 points during conference championship games and not padded at all for the Super Bowl.”

In other words, for 17 weeks you have to successfully hit a four-team, 14-point teaser every week. Then two four-team, 10-point teasers during Week 1 & 2 of the postseason followed by a two-team, 6-point teaser and then finally a straight up spread beat for the Super Bowl.

Got that? According to Ed Feng of The Power Rank website, the odds of still being alive entering the postseason is 110,592 to 1 even with the generous 14-point buffer.

But according to the folks at the app and Mirabella, he was still alive entering the playoffs. By the way, the alleged winner is a follower of mine on Twitter, although I don’t believe we’ve ever had any interaction.

So Mirabella supposedly wins the million-dollar prize and the News runs a puff piece — by James David Dickson — on Monday morning which basically read as public relations for the app company. Neither Channel 7 nor the Detroit News seemed to do ANY vetting of this AMAZING story. Whether extreme or otherwise.

Of course, the jaded misanthropes (i.e., possessors of common sense) at my website smelled a rat right away. Not to say this story couldn’t be true — even though we are dubious — but there were several red flags that WXYZ and Dickson failed to recognize.

Here is a list of some of the items that have made us skeptical to say the least ….

1] Four Play Football is a new app. This was the first year this gimmick was offered on iPhone and Android devices. But the one thing the developers seem to be good at is getting PR for their venture.

(UPDATE: To be clear, this is the first year the app had any audience whatsoever. The creators have been playing it for years. I would love to see the evidence of how many users Four Play for the 2015 season.)

This is an article the Detroit Press ran about the founders (Jeff Johnson and C.J. Karchon) back on September 17, 2016.

My favorite quote was from Johnson … “I think it’s too easy to raise money for this idea.”

Oh, really?

2] Here is a breakdown of how difficult it would be to win this prize ….

Ok, so not only did someone inconceivably take this jackpot down THE FIRST YEAR this app was available, but a company based in Birmingham’s winner was from Royal Oak. Even though 85% of the app’s participants are not locally based according to the founders.

Not only that, the COMMISSIONER of the “league” Mirabella was in just happened to be C.J. Karchon. Ya know, the co-founder of the app!!!!!

Once again, this all could have occurred but how the hell did WXYZ and the News not dig some more before running this CRAZY story?!??!?

Let’s ask the shitkicker from Las Vegas who informed Ace Rothstein that it was possible for a jackpot slot machine to get hit THREE TIMES in a short period of time ….

3] The company has fewer than 200 Twitter followers. And they barely even mentioned the fact that one of their players was still alive until Super Bowl week. There was basically zero social media mention of Mirabella’s insane run. Hell, this should have started receiving attention during the last two or three weeks of the REGULAR SEASON.

4] Mirabella supposedly didn’t know any of the Four Play people until last week. And he just HAPPENED to run into Johnson last week while eating out in Royal Oak ….

So let’s recap. The commissioner of Mirabella’s league is Karchon and Mirabella just happened to bump into the other co-founder while dining?!??!?!

The episode of Seinfeld where George just happened to find Jerry at the confessional talking to the priest about Tim Whatley’s “Jew jokes”  just called and thinks this is all ridiculous.

5] Mirabella and one of the founders just coincidentally share the same profession …. FINANCIAL ADVISORS.

5] Four Play didn’t insure the million-dollar prize. Even though anyone who has ever been to a golf outing knows that it’s fairly easy to take insurance out on someone getting a hole-in-one and winning a car on a designated hole.

Of course, speaking from experience, when insurance is involved, these sorts of things get investigated. Throughly.

I could actually go on and on rattling off the insane coincidences (one of the founders and Mirabella both attended Rochester schools) and providing you odds that this all actually occurred, but what’s the point?

After my Twitter tirade questioning the authenticity of this story, Bar Stool Sports picked up on this dubious occurrence and questioned the validity of the winnings as well.

I contacted the Detroit News directly with my concerns and then all of a sudden Dickson started updating his story –repeatedly — with questions about the likelihood that this isn’t some sort of scam.

Dickson even asked for evidence from Karchon and Johnson which he has not yet received according to his most recent article update …..

Mirabella also claimed that he didn’t go to Vegas and “hedge” on Atlanta, which, if true, is literally insane behavior. Even with the payment spread over a ten-year period, I am sure Mirabella could have made some arrangements with the app people beforehand to place a $100,000 wager on the Falcons, thereby guaranteeing that picking 80 straight winners didn’t leave him completely EMPTY-HANDED.

Finally, if Four Play hands Mirabella the first check this week for 100k, it really doesn’t prove that there isn’t some sort of scam going on. What if the founders are really pulling the wool over the eyes of their “angel” investors and Mirabella is somehow in on it?

TO BE CLEAR, the DSR isn’t making the claim that this is what went down, I am just explaining why the check wouldn’t be absolute proof that nothing nefarious occurred.

Especially when you consider the following comment from Johnson that reeks just like the Breeders’ Cup Pick-6 scandal from 2002 …

The DSR immediately offered to do something that neither Channel 7 nor the News seemed interested in. If Four Play has nothing to hide, we will have a forensic accountant look at all of their paperwork to make sure this is on the up-and-up.

We will also pay for polygraph tests for Karchon, Johnson or Mirabella if they are willing to subject themselves to a Super Bowl LI(E) detector test. With an expert of our choosing.

Meanwhile, I am trying to get WXYZ and the DetNews to run an article about my crazy weekend …

Hey, @wxyzdetroit and @detnews, I saw the Loch Ness Monster banging Sasquatch doggy-style in Xanadu. Want to do a story on me?

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) February 6, 2017

Updated with my Twitter conversation with Dominic Mirabella after this article was posted …..

DSR PODCAST PERISCOPE FEBRUARY 7, 2017 https://t.co/3yDv8h2dy1

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) February 8, 2017

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
February 13, 2o17

Even my self-imposed hiatus due to the election of an Orange Fascist Narcissist could not stop the inevitable ….. the return of the DSR’s Worst Detroit Sports Media Tournament. Today, we announce the bracket.

But before we get to the 68 entrants, now would be a good time to answer some of the questions you people have been asking me on Twitter over the last couple of months about the 2017 edition of this event.

Can there be a back-t0-back winner?

The short answer is no. The long answer is this ….

As you know, the 2015 champion was Drew Sharp, a victory largely based on Sharp’s plagiarism scandal which occurred when the Freep columnist lifted an article from blogger David Harns about MSU QB Connor Cook’s relationship with Miranda McCoy.

Sharp died on October 21st so the committee decided it would be in poor taste to include him in this year’s bracket — even though he was eligible based on his contributions from February until October.

Unfortunately, we never were able to deliver the trophy to Sharp. He was fired from his radio gig at 105.1 shortly after the tourney — where he’d have been a sitting duck at a public remote — and Miranda never got to live her dream ….

Of assisting us with handing over the hardware to Not the Sharpest Drew.

Can anyone repeat as champ in 2017?

There is only one person eligible to win this for a second time and that’s morbidly obese radio personality Scott “The Virginal Manatee” Anderson.

The 2016 winner is dead and the 2011 recipient Michael Rosenberg hasn’t been eligible for years since he left the Free Press for Sports Illustrated.

And we have left Terry Foster out of the bracket in 2017 because of the two strokes he suffered last year. We’ve given T-Fos a medical redshirt as we feel bad that he went through that health struggle and had to return to an abusive relationship with his radio partner, Mike Valenti, who seems hellbent on getting Bonechip removed from the show.

It’s clear to anyone who’s listened to the show since Foster’s return that he is not fully recovered and that Valenti’s behavior has been deplorable. I mean, even the DSR has backed off the man.

Hopefully Foster — the 2014 champ — will soon fully recover and regain eligibility in 2018.

What was the biggest controversy inside the committee conference room?

Easy. Whether or not Lansing State Journal dope columnist Graham Couch was eligible. It was my contention that since he is based in Lansing, he should not be included.

My thought process was that this would set a precedent which would pave the way for allowing the entry people like Bill “Huge Pile of Shit” Simonson out of Grand Rapids or Ryan Schussolini™ (Miguel Lokuta) — errrr, I mean Ryan Schuiling — based in Lansing.

The committee ended up convincing me that since Couch’s work is regularly featured on the Freep website he is once again included in the bracket.

Any other difficulties in seeding the bracket?

Probably the biggest difficulty was figuring out what to do with the unprecedented number of media personalities who worked in this market in 2016 but no longer have a gig.

We are talking about all of the Detroit Sports 105.1 personalities like Matt Dery, Tom Mazawey, Ryan Ermanni and Rico Beard. Former Freep Press MSU beat writer Joe Rexrode left that gig to become a columnist in Nashville.

And finally, longtime scourge of the city Rob Parker left a low-paying job at Channel 20 to occasionally work with human waste like Skip Bayless on Fox Sports. Hey Jamie Horowitz, thanks for taking that trash off our hands!!! I’m still shocked that Parker’s beater Jeep Cherokee made it out to Los Angeles.

Anyway, we considered the morons on a case-by-case basis. Parker ended up being left out because he was BARELY part of the Detroit sports media as a newsreader on WXON. The others are included, but their seeding was impacted.

For example, Dery is now a teacher at U of D Jesuit High School where I am sure he still is the highest seeded member of their faculty.

Why no “conference tournament” games to determine the 68 entrants?

In past years we basically included every member of the Detroit sports media. We’d play about 10 conference tournaments to determine the last 10 slots. This made the damn contest way too long.

So the committee had final say over the 68 entrants. We will play four play-ins just like the NCAA Men’s tourney.

So don’t email me asking why Bernie Smilovitz or Rod Beard aren’t included. Everyone was considered. If they aren’t in the bracket, we didn’t feel they were one of the 68 worst personalities in 2016.

Who are the four #1 seeds?

Three of them probably won’t come as much of a surprise, but one is a real shocker based on past tournaments.

Both members of the “Karsch and Anderson” program on 97.1 earned #1 seeds over the last 12 months. That’s how AWFUL that program is. This is quite a feat, but both Doug Karsch and Scott Anderson fully deserved the “honor.”

From their utter lack of sports knowledge to completely disregarding math to suggesting that the Red Wings should trade for Connor McDavid of the Edmonton Oilers to insulting Andreas Athanasiou by comparing him to Quintin Berry to their constant fanboy defenses of the local teams, this pair had an off-the-charts season.

And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that the program barely ever discusses sports (which in hindsight might be a good thing).

Nobody, and I mean nobody, dumbs down the sports discourse in this town like the Sexless Whale and Benedict Karsch.

Chris “Officer Barbrady” McCosky once again snagged a #1 seed and is poised to make a deep run in this tourney.

This is a direct quote from a McCosky column in October ….

To quote David S. Pumpkins, “ANY QUESTIONS?!??!?!?!?!???”

But the real surprise is the fourth #1 seed …..

[Brad Galli just came because I referenced a Tom Hanks skit on Saturday Night Live.]

Red Wings radio color man Paul Woods. A dipshit who has only been included in this tournament once before — as a #14 seed in 2012. We will delve further into why Woods deserved a #1 seed this year in our full preview article coming later this week, but here are just a few reasons …..

• Nobody is worse at their JOB in Detroit than Paul Woods. I dare you to listen to the guy try to talk for a three-hour broadcast. Nobody is uhhh …. less ….. uh …. capable of …. uhhhhh … speaking for a living than Woods. And that’s only because Stuttering John Melendez is no longer the ANNOUNCER for the “Tonight Show.”
• Not a game goes by where Woods doesn’t attack hockey’s advanced metrics. And it usually comes in a sentence explaining why Corsi wouldn’t tell you about the contributions of Luke Glendening or Justin Abdelkader.
• He will NEVER criticize Ken Holland Listening to a broadcast would make you think the Wings’ GM is handing Woods notes during the game. If I had a dollar for every time this asshat said the Wings would not have made the playoffs in 2014 if not for the David Legwand trade I could retire.  A deal that sent Calle Jarnkrok, a 2nd round pick and Patrick Eaves to the Predators.
• Here is a typical exchange between Ken Kal and Woods. The play-by-play man will mention that Jarnkrok used to play with the Wings. Woods will then go into a long diatribe about how Jarnkrok isn’t that good and the Wings needed Legwand in order to extend their playoff streak (THEY DIDN’T). Woods will downgrade Jarnkrok by saying something like “Well, how good can he be? He only has seven goals this year.” Moments later, Woods will then rave about a defensive play that Riley Sheahan made and then state “There’s more to this game than scoring goals, Ken.” THIS FUCKING HAPPENS EVERY GOD DAMN GAME!!!!!!

Fuck Paul Woods. May this garbage …. uhhhhh ….. hockey player turned …. uhhhhhh …… horrendous radio personality ….. uhhhhh … make a deep run in this ….. uhhhhhh ….. tournament.

And with that, here is the bracket …..

The games will start later this week. In the coming days we will roll-out the tournament preview and other assorted gimmicks.

Stay tuned.

The bracket was released earlier this week and the 2017 DSR Worst Detroit Sports Media Tournament will start in a couple of days. Before the games tip off though, we felt it necessary to provide some thumbnail sketches of the combatants. Some are longer than others as the awfulness of many entrants is self-explanatory.

This is actually Moss’ least favorite article to write all year so Mihir Bhatnagar helped him with many of the “Pros and Cons.” Seriously, if you make it through this entire article you should get a medal.

A more thorough breakdown will come when the tourney is down to the Excrement Eight.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

THE RONA DANZIGER REGION

1] Doug Karsch, WXYT-FM

Pros: He isn’t Scott Anderson.

Cons: “Open lines: 248-539-9797. We go to Benedict in Ann Arbor. Benedict, you’re on 97.1 the Ticket. Hi Benedict.”

If you subtract commercials, phone calls, “Have you ever” topics, and the amount of time he spends giving out the station’s contact information, Doug Karsch actually talks sports for 47 minutes a week.  And in those 47 minutes you get to hear gems like, “Athanasiou falls down a lot.” Or, “I gotta tell ya, I‘m encouraged by what Martha Ford is doing since taking over.”

Karsch can also lay claim to one of the laziest gimmicks in sports talk radio. “Champ & Chump” consumes 75% of their Monday shows. 80% if you include the time he spends scolding callers on “the rules” of this abomination. “Kevin, you can’t chump an entire team, ya need to narrow it down.”
One of Karsch’s favorite lines is “…in this job, you can’t be reactionary; you have to let things play out. You need to examine a story/game from all angles.” This is precisely why he is constantly 6 months late to EVERY party.

As of February 16th, 2017, the DSR is still waiting for Doug to finally sign off on the Tigers selling Price, Cespedes & Soria.
Unfortunately for Doug Malkin, he is forced to share a studio with Scott “The Gator” Crosby. Otherwise, we’re likely talking about numerous MVPs. Doug epitomizes the late 1990s St. Louis Blues. Solid performer, solid résumé, perennial Cup contender. But sadly, always has to go through the Wings (Lynn Henning), Avs (Anderson) or Stars (Chris McCosky).

Could this be his year?

16] Jim Brandstatter, Lions and Wolverines Radio

Pros: Robbie Timmons married him, so how bad can he be? Not bad as a Lions color shill.

Cons: In completely over his head doing play-by-play for Michigan football on the radio. Seems like a really good guy, but the thought of him on top of Timmons earns him a spot in the 2017 bracket. The Wolverines played Hawaii this past year. Brandy butchered so many names that he could have starred in a sequel to Gangs of New York.

8] Ted Kulfan, Detroit News Red Wings beat writer

Pros: If you missed an Ansar Khan Tweet, wait five minutes and you’ll get it from Ted.

Cons: Probably the least offensive of all the Wings’ beat writers but still a total shill for Ken Holland and the organization. Another of the “diggers” who loves grit and can’t wait to write propaganda about Steve Ott or Luke Glendening.

9] Ken Daniels, Red Wings TV Play-By-Play

Pros: Does a good job with the technical aspects of his job.

Cons: Another in a long line of DRW apologists. Of course, unlike the beat writers, at least he gets paid for his ridiculous shilling for Holland and Company. Probably will sit shiva more diligently over the pending end of the playoff streak than [redacted].

5] Mickey Redmond, Red Wings Color Announcer

Pros: He mainly only covers the team at home because of an odd disease, thus sparing us from his hackneyed “wisdom” for around 35 to 40 games a season.

Cons: A poor man’s Don Cherry who thinks CTE, alcoholism and advanced stats are all make-believe. Luckily, he is allergic to spoons.

Mickey Redmond comments in last ten minutes alone. Math is subjective. The world needs more child abuse. [Mute Button]

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) November 30, 2016

The poster child for hockey analytics were the 90s and 00s Red Wings. Redmond witnessed that firsthand. Still dismisses sabermetrics. DOPE.

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) December 2, 2016

12] Vince Ellis, Detroit Free Press Pistons Beat Writer (Play-In)

Pros: That picture of him in a powder blue tuxedo is the gift that keeps on giving.

Cons: Ellis went from a contender to win this tourney during the Joe Dumars’ Days at the Palace to a mere afterthought this year. The only real gripe with Ellis would be his ass-kissing of Tom Gores which leads directly to Gores giving Ellis preferential treatment for breaking stories.

12] Tony Paul, Detroit News (Play-In)

Pros: Nobody covers the Tigers better than Tony Paul. Normally strong politically. Good poker player.

Cons: One of this site’s darlings, Tony Paul had a rough 12 months. He got beat by Moss on the 105.1 flipping formats stories and then didn’t properly credit Joff Mess, which led to a bizarre Periscope; buried the Indians months before they almost won the World Series; and couldn’t stop Tweeting about some amateur golf tournament at Oakland Hills.

Oh. And this ….

I think the MVP of this election season has to be Kellyanne Conway. Nobody’s had a tougher job than she has — and she came through likable.

— Tony Paul (@TonyPaul1984) November 7, 2016

Yikes.

4] George Malik, Red Wings Slapdick Blogger

Pros: Can’t think of anything.

Cons: This irrational fanboy didn’t earn his high seed due to his typically awful Red Wings takes over the past year (which included defending Ken Holland for passing on Jakob Chyrchrun when trading away Pavel Datsyuk’s dead contract).

No, Malik is a #4 seed because he participated in a Q and A with the awful agent of Datsyuk (Dan Milstein) without telling the public he was bought and paid for by the miniature mortgage broker.

11] Paula Pasche, Oakland Press Lions Beat Writer

Pros: Nobody reads what she writes.

Cons: Paula loves lists. Well, here is one. Lions beat writers who are better than she is:

1) Justin Rogers
2) Kyle Meinke
3) Michael Rothstein

3] Gregg Krupa, Detroit News Backup Hockey Writer

Pros: If need be, Luke Skywalker could live in this slob’s disgusting beard for a few hours if he is ever freezing in the Hoth cold again.

Cons: The man roots from the press box. Another Holland and Datsyuk apologist. The shift button must be broken on his laptop as he uses more CAPS than Gary Dellabate.

14] Rick Mahorn, Pistons Color Radio Announcer

Pros: He was a member of the Bad Boys.

Cons: People actually listen to the Pistons on the radio to know that Mahorn isn’t good?

7] Tom Mazawey, Unemployed from 105.1

Pros: He’s no longer spewing his AWFUL sports takes on the radio.

Cons: He blamed the victims ….

Do you need anything else?

Oh, ok ….

105.1 tripled their ratings when they got rid of Mazawey and the Gang and flipped to a pissed-on version of SiriusXM’s Backspin.

10] Kyle Bogie, WXYT-FM

Pros: Got us.

Cons: Allegedly a Mike Valenti wannabe. We can’t be sure since we’ve never heard him.

Douche bag.

Looks like he is well on his way to Matt Dery’s career trajectory with that picture. Which means he will be teaching at Catholic Central in 2034.

2] Brad Galli, WXYZ-7
Pros: He’d be a perfect date. For your 12-year-old daughter.

Cons: Well ….

Ariana Grande taking her latest single to @jimmyfallon for a Snapchat video release: crazy effective. @FallonTonight is the epicenter of fun

— Brad Galli (@BradGalli) July 18, 2016

@OriginalFunko Love these. I’ve gotten all of the Harry Potter figures made so far. Please say Ginny Weasley is next. pic.twitter.com/33o4YiEKp8

— Brad Galli (@BradGalli) October 5, 2016

Are we sure that Brad Galli didn’t make a wish to be big to a fortune telling machine called Zoltar Speaks and that he is really 12 yrs old?

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 10, 2016

15] Tori Petry, Lions Website

Pros: She’s nice to look at. We can say that as she used to compete in beauty pageants. It’s not misogynistic.

Cons:

THE JASON DIXON REGION

1] Paul Woods, Red Wings Color Radio Announcer

Pros: He gives hope to people everywhere who can’t talk that they one day could get a job in broadcasting.

Cons: A total shill for Ken Holland to the point you’d think Holland is handing him notes during the game on what to say. A few weeks ago he actually labeled Jonathan Ericsson and Danny DeKeyser as “shutdown” defenders.

Does not believe in math. Hates advanced metrics. Tries to sell the fanbase that goals, Corsi and possession rate are all overrated and that grit is the only measurable you should concern yourself with.

In a game against the Nashville Predators, he bombed former Wings prospect Calle Jarnkrok for not being a 20 goal scorer while defending the goalless Riley Sheahan moments later.

Says “uhhhh” during one period more than the number of points Wayne Gretzky scored in the 1982-83 season.
An absolute cancer in the Detroit sports media and a reason many Red Wings fans are still clueless about the franchise he works for.

16] Mike Sullivan. Producer 97.1

Pros: Who knows?

Cons: Mike Valenti enabler. Replaced Jim Bentley when Bentley wouldn’t play the role of Valenti’s “Yes Man.”

8] Shawn Windsor, Detroit Free Press

Pros: His doppelganger is now in prison for child molestation.

Cons: I honestly have no idea what this guy did in the past year. I’m just assuming he was as vanilla as he has been in previous years.

9] Jim Price, Tigers Radio Color

Pros: Ripped the Tigers and Ausmus numerous times last season when they weren’t performing well.

Cons: Eats while on-air. Repeats the same phrases over and over again. Hates math.

5] Jeff Riger, 97.1 Talker

Pros: Will ask tough questions when properly employed as a station reporter.

Cons: Had arguably the worst take of the year when he dared to suggest that BARRY SANDERS was overrated. Got exposed big-time when he was Valenti’s co-host for a few months.

12] Tim Twentyman, detroitlions.com

Pros: Will criticize the Lions from time to time. Routinely cites stats from Pro Football Focus.

Cons: Bought-and-paid-for propagandist.

4] Ansar Khan, Wings Beat for Mlive.

Pros: Delivers Red Wings news in a timely manner.

Cons: That news is often incorrect. Still can’t get line combinations/lineups right. Another Holland stooge. Blocks anyone on Twitter who dares to question the Wings organization.

13] Mickey York, Fox Sports Detroit

Pros: Has some killer dance moves.

Cons: Another happy-go-lucky slapdick at FSD. Sense a pattern here?

6] Matthew B. Mowery, Oakland Press Tigers Beat

Pros: Very concerned about the well-being of his child.

Cons: What professional journalist speaks this way? Repeatedly calls Victor Martinez “professional bateador.” Another in a long line Brad Ausmus apologists.

11] Jamie Edmonds, WDIV

Pros: Isn’t Bernie Smilovitz.

Cons: During a 2016 DSR Podcast, former WDIV sports anchor Eli Zaret told us that Jamie’s boss called Eli and said, “I’ve got a problem with this new woman I hired. I think she thinks it’s her job to root for the teams.”

Yep.

3] Lynn Henning, Detroit News

Pros: Proved to be correct on almost everything related to politics from the past year.

Dems should be in agreement on this, particularly after the past week. It’s not too late: Biden should be running in this election.

— Lynn G. Henning (@Lynn_Henning) January 4, 2016

Cons: Wrong about almost everything Tigers-related. Had the audacity to claim that Ausmus is one of the “better-regarded skippers in the game.” Still thinks anyone who criticizes him is Jeff Moss. Would be a 1 seed if it weren’t for his political takes.  Do you really need a long summary on why Henning is bad?

14] Mario Impemba, Tigers TV

Pros: Hates Rod Allen as much as we do.

Cons: A stooge incapable of saying a negative thing about the Tigers. Cites fielding percentage as an indicator of a good defensive team.

14] Bob Duff, formerly of the Windsor Star.

Pros: Nobody knows who he is. And since he took a buyout at the Windsor Star, even less than nobody will know who he is.

Cons: Creams his pants at the mention of Steve Ott’s grit. Loves the word grit. Uses the word grit a lot. Blocks people who question his love for the word grit. Also, is a huge anti-math guy.

7] Jeff Seidel, Detroit Free Press

Pros: I can’t remember anything notable he did this past year.

Cons: A hack columnist who thinks he’s funny. So boring that he will never move the needle unless he conjures up a NCAA recruiting violation out of thin-air.

10] Mike O’Hara, Detroitlions.com

Pros: Accidentally Tweeted out “May lesbian videos red tube.” Respect.

Cons: Propagandist. Also questioned the validity of a story about a man being robbed outside of Ford Field after a Lions game.

2] Robert Wojnowski, Detroit News

Pros: A liberal.

Cons: A blithering idiot. Had a myriad of awful takes this past year on a number of different subjects. This populist went on a crusade against KEVIN DURANT because he dared to insult Detroit. Called Klay Thompson a “fake superstar” only to watch him go off for 41 points in an elimination game hours later. Wrote a horrendous Ken Holland fluff piece. Suggested that the Wings buy at the trade deadline after a three-game winning streak despite being well out of the playoff picture. This could very well be Robert’s year.

15] Khang Huynh, 97.1 Producer

Pros: Not Doug Karsch or Scott Anderson.

Cons: Also known as “The Enabler”, Karsch and Anderson’s producer allows those dolts to go unchecked. He sits in those putrid show prep meetings and doesn’t say a peep about their shitty topics/opinions.

THE GENE MYERS REGION

1] Chris McCosky, Detroit News Tigers’ Beat Writer

Pros: Still hasn’t murdered innocent motorists by driving his car into oncoming traffic.

Cons: An absolute sycophant for every team he covers, Barbrady’s actions were no different this past year when he continued to defend Brad Ausmus’ performance at every turn. Produced some of the worst mid-season grade rationales we’ve ever seen. Blocked his own CO-WORKER on Twitter after being called out for being a total shill for the team he covers. Easily one of the favorites to win it all.

A shill, you say?

Yep, Officer Barbrady actually wrote that.

16] Michael Stone, 97.1 Morning Talker

Pros: Will occasionally provide good commentary on the air or on Twitter. Not as lazy as his former radio partner at WDFN, Robert Wojnowski. Still talks to Moss even though he blocked him on Twitter.

Cons: Has access to interview Jim Harbaugh and Ken Holland on-air yet refuses to press them. Recently let Holland give him a four-minute “history lesson” about defensemen in Detroit and refused to interrupt the filibustering. When Holland said any defenseman the Wings drafted last year or this wouldn’t be in the NHL for FIVE SEASONS, Stoney failed to jump in and say that Jakob Chychrun — a player the Wings SHOULD have drafted — is in the NHL RIGHT NOW!!!!

8] Kurt Mensching, Blogger, Detroit News Guest Writer

Pros: Had some beautiful paintings in the film Wedding Crashers. (How many times can we beat that joke into the ground?)

Cons: A total slapdick who preemptively blocks followers of this website on Twitter. Can you tell we didn’t pay much attention to this dork in 2016?

9] Rod Allen, Tigers TV Color Announcer

Pros: At least you won’t fall asleep listening to him speak during a Tigers broadcast, unlike when listening to Kirk Gibson.

Cons: Instead, you’ll get an aneurysm from all of the idiocy being spewed. Hates math. He’s AWFUL and he’s only a 9 SEED!

5] Dave Birkett, Detroit Free Press Lions Beat

Pros: Is capable is being of being a quality beat writer and does his job credibly for the most part.

Cons: Insists on IMMEDIATELY Tweeting out game updates when he knows he is ruining the experience both for fans watching on TV and on Tweetdeck due to the delay. A total asshole move and something Kyle Meinke and Justin Rogers do not do. In fact, most journalists realize this problem and purposely wait a few seconds for people to catch up at home. Not Birkett — even though he has been bashed for it repeatedly.

Also, did this:

That “good read” ended up getting like 74 people fired because Jeff Arnold’s article about a former EMU standout basically amounted to glorifying a cop who was raping prostitutes.

12] Matt Dery, School Teacher (Play-In)

Pros: No longer polluting the Detroit airwaves by calling sexual harassment victims “loose.” Probably won’t be able to progress deep in the tourney due to his being off the airwaves for most of the year.

Cons: We hear he is a tough grader.

12] Dennis Fithian, 97.1 Talker (Play-In)

Pros: Who knows?

Cons: Still allows Pat Caputo to emasculate him…according to people who actually tune in to that garbage.

4] David Mayo, MLive Columnist

Pros: Likes weed.

Cons: This convicted felon wrote an atrocious article about the Tigers’ trade deadline. If not for McCosky’s constant “Ausmus is a genius” columns, this would have been the worst Detroit sports media post of the year. Horrendous Twitter feed. A real sleeper in this region.

13] Grant Long, Pistons FSD Studio Commentator 

Pros: He’s not Mateen Cleaves.

Cons: Probably the biggest Pistons apologist in Detroit.

6] Dan Leach, 97.1 Janitor

Pros: Not gonna lie, we’re kind of entertained by this creature. What grown man says “Swizzle-sticks” and “Awesome-sauce”? Finally moved out of his motel.

Cons: This certifiably insane nutjob is a total moron. Resorted to insulting a girl who rejected him on OKCupid. And then lied about it by stating it was someone impersonating him. WHO WOULD IMPERSONATE YOU???!??

Has bad sports takes, but only eight people are actually listening to his show at 3 am.

11] Joe Rexrode, Former Freep MSU Beat Writer

Pros: Left the market in April to become a columnist in Nashville.

Cons: Continued to shoot down any suggestion that there were issues with Connor Cook’s personality leading up to the NFL Draft when he was still employed by the Free Press. Penned an absolutely disgusting tribute to Drew Sharp after his death in November. He actually had the audacity to write this about Sharp:

Stand-up person? Accountable? This would be great coming from ANYONE, but Rexrode? Let me tell you a little story. One of the first people to learn about Sharp’s plagiarism of David Harns was Rexrode as he was some sort of mentor for Harns.

Harns and Rexrode are friends. And Joe Rexrode KNOWS that Drew Sharp NEVER apologized to Harns for stealing his work. Joe Rexrode KNOWS that he never apologized in pages of the Free Press for stealing Harns’ work. Joe Rexrode KNOWS that Drew Sharp never apologized on the 105.1 airwaves for ripping off Harns either.

Accountable? A stand-up guy? He went to his grave without EVER  making amends with Harns even though Harns tried to put the matter to bed with Sharp SEVERAL times.

And that miserable cyber-troll? He was talking about Moss.

Go to hell.

And say hi to Drew Sharp when you get there.

3] Pat Caputo, WXYT-FM and Oakland Press

Pros: Can’t think of any.

Cons: Read this recent article and it will tell you all you need to know about this dope.

14] Ryan Ermanni, Fox-2 Morning Show

Pros: He’s now a morning news anchor, so we’ll probably never have to hear him talk about sports again.

Cons: A waste of skin. Claimed 105.1’s ratings suffered due to lack of promotion by marketing executives, only to watch its ratings sky-rocket after switching to throwback hip-hop with almost no mention of the station anywhere. We’re going to miss having this clown in the tournament.

This is what it’s come down to for Ermanni ….

7] Graham Couch, Lansing State Journal

Pros: Liberal

Cons: The only thing holding this human hot-take back is the fact that he is employed by a Lansing newspaper. He is seriously one of the dumbest human beings in existence. Claimed Dak Prescott couldn’t read a defense while in the midst of one of the best seasons by a rookie QB in recent memory.

Pretty much buried every team that made the Final Four in 2016 including eventual winner Villanova.

Of course, the one team he did not bury was Michigan State. A team that lost as a #2 seed to a #15 in the first round.

10] Justin Rose, WXYZ

Pros: Seems to able to take criticism in stride.

Cons: A more adult version of Brad Galli. On a Facebook Live chat he was asked how many home runs he thought Jose Iglesias had in his career. He guessed 50. Bright dude.

2] Anthony Fenech, Detroit Free Press

Pros: Didn’t have any drunken, PT Cruiser-related accidents, he said. Didn’t fuck his boss during the past 12 months, he said. Didn’t sexually harass a co-worker, he said. Didn’t get knocked out at a downriver bar for hitting on a married woman, he said.

Cons: An absolutely deplorable human being. Overslept multiple morning radio show appearances due to “alarm clock management issues.” Right. Continually defended Ausmus all season. Counted down the days until Opening Day. Writes like a 9^th grader. Took a European vacation in THE MIDDLE OF A PENNANT RACE. Seriously, this guy is worthy of winning it all, and he STILL couldn’t make the cut as a #1 seed.

Thinks it’s funny to troll Detroiters by telling them the weather in Lakeland during Spring Training.

And even though this doesn’t count against him in this YEAR’s tourney, it’s always fun to post this …..

15] Rico Beard, Barely employed in Lansing Radio

Pros: We no longer have to hear him talk about sports.

Cons: A Spartan slapdick who had terrible takes about both MSU and Michigan all year until he was mercifully canned by 105.1. Been absolutely silent lately on Twitter regarding the mess of a program up in East Lansing.

EJ Mitchell Region

1] Scott Anderson, 97.1 Talker

Pros: Single-handedly keeping Metro Detroit restaurants in business.

Cons: Co-pilot of by far the worst sports talk radio show in the city. Knows nothing about sports. Discusses topics that nobody in their right mind would think of. Seriously suggested that the Red Wings could try and trade for CONNOR McDAVID because Edmonton has had money problems in the past. This guy SUCKS. Rightfully earned his number one seed. Total fanboy for the four pro teams. Probably because he is a fat guy that just wants to be loved.

And if you think he shouldn’t be a #1 seed, here are just some of his 2016 takes that make him extremely worthy:

• Jonathan Ericsson is a good defenseman and underrated.
• Andreas Athanasiou can’t finish and looks like a deer in the headlights on the ice.
• The NHL should force every team in the league to retire #9 for Gordie Howe.
• Stated that the Tigers should try to rescind Justin Upton’s contact back in May. Just think about how moronic that is on various levels.
• Suggested that Ken Holland ripped off the 26-year-old GM of the Coyotes when John Chayka basically gave up NOTHING to acquire an 18-year-old defenseman who has played the entire season in Phoenix. And who has outperformed every Red Wings defenseman not named Mike Green.

Do I NEED to go on?

16] Jason Beck, Detroittigers.com

Pros: Isn’t Anthony Fenech, Chris McCosky or Lynn Henning.

Cons: Had a fairly uneventful year ostensibly working for the team’s website.

8] Dana Wakiji, Detroitredwings.com, we think

Pros: Great provider of face-off statistics during Red Wing intermissions.

Cons: If only people cared about face-off stats. Does she think face-off stats are an advanced metric? BE LAZIER. Tweets out useless information all the time. Someone pays her for this?

9] Craig Monroe, Fox Sports Detroit

Pros: Largely overshadowed by the other imbeciles on the Tigers broadcasts.

Cons: Always spouting the company line. Well, we think he is ….

5] Matt Shepard, vegetative WDFN and Michigan Basketball

Pros: You can see over him if he’s standing in front of you at a concert or sporting event.

Cons: This bible-thumping midget is an absolute slapdick homer for Michigan basketball. Has a HUGE Napoleon complex. Abhorrent political views. There isn’t a media member that you’d like to punch in the face more than this guy. HE’S ONLY A 5 SEED!!!

Lectured Tony Paul about Donald Trump. Because why would Tony want the option of being able to get married or adopt children after Trump gets done with the Supreme Court?

Fuck this dipshit.

12] John Keating, Fox Sports Detroit

Pros: It’s really hard to think of pros for all these people. This town SUCKS.

Cons: The next tough question he asks will be his first. Cheerleader for the Tigers and Wings. 

4] Mitch Albom, Detroit Free Press, I guess.

Pros: Mihir’s 54-year-old mother and all of her friends love his books.

Cons: Continues to have a conflict of interest in the subjects he covers. Thinks athletes shouldn’t express their political opinions and should just go about their business. Gave Pavel Datsyuk an unfiltered, apologetic forum to announce he was heading back to Russia … on the EVE of the Wings playoff series vs. Tampa.

Seriously, he covers the Lions for a living and opened up a concession stand at Ford Field. When is this elf going to retire?

13] Mark Snyder, Detroit Free Press

Pros: No clue.

Cons: Can we just move on, we’re at almost 5,000 words. YOU’RE STILL READING THIS???

6] Mark Champion, Pistons Radio

Pros: Decent play-by-play guy.

Cons: Terrible opinions on Twitter. Jesus freak. Constantly ReTweeting some religious wacko named Tim Keller. Bill Keenist’s hype man.

11] Dan Dickerson, Tigers Radio (Play-in)

Pros:  Pretty good at play-by-play. Showed he’s better at his job than Mario Impemba when placed in the TV booth for a few games this past season.

Cons: Is silent on Twitter after a Tigers loss but magically reappears after a win. What a coincidence!

11] Trevor Thompson, Fox Sports Detroit (Play-in)

Pros: Likes porn just as much as the DSR Staff.

Cons: Another bought-and-paid-for cheerleader. Hilariously called Twitter “the devil” during a broadcast this past year.

3] Mike Valenti, 97.1 Talker

Pros: Is capable of producing thought-provoking radio content from time to time.

Cons: Said thought-provoking radio comes straight from Moss’ Twitter feed. Had horrible takes about Jabrill Peppers and Michigan all fall. Whines about a broken political system, yet he refuses to be part of the solution by choosing not to vote. Has taken to abusing his radio partner on-air despite the fact that he is recovering from two strokes. An abject coward who left Twitter because it doesn’t have a 15-second delay and a dump button.

Refuses to attend press conferences where he could make a difference in coverage of the Lions and Tigers because that would mean taking his fat ass out of the comfort of his studio.

Also, employs a trainer for his New York-bred thoroughbred who is a cheat who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the welfare of his horses.

And if you don’t believe me on that subject, how about a higher-up at Churchill Downs’ gambling website? …..

14] Jennifer Hammond, Fox-2

Pros: Has a hot step-daughter. (Moss: What?????? Creepy Mihir.)

Cons: Had a terrible take about Colin Kaepernick.

7] Darren Eliot, Wings broadcasts on FSD

Pros: Does a better job than Mickey Redmond when doing color commentary for Wings games.

Cons: Rushes to defend Ken Holland at any opportunity. During a recent game, he claimed that the Wings would not have made the playoffs if they didn’t trade for David Legwand. Keep beating that drum, shills.

10] Will Birchfield, CBS Detroit website

Pros: Susceptible to being catfished. Of his own volition.

Cons: A total moron. Writes some of the worst articles you’ll ever read. He’d be a higher seed if he wasn’t slumming it for the CBS Detroit website. Seems like a huge douchebag as we found evidence of him bragging about getting banned from a bar in Boston.

Fuck off, frat boy.

2] Helene St. James, Detroit Free Press Wings Beat

Pros: I would say that she has a nice scarf collection, but they are hideous.

Cons: Where do we even begin? An absolute embarrassment of a journalist. Gets wet at the mention of the word “grit.” Churns out Ken Holland puff pieces at an alarming rate. Attacks quality hockey players such as Gus Nyquist and Tomas Tatar for not scoring, but keeps quiet on wastes of space like Justin Abdelkader and Steve Ott.

She also can’t ask a question without fumbling all over herself. Seriously, I implore you to click on this video of the Scarf asking a perplexed Riley Sheahan a question.

The biggest Ken Holland apologist in town … and THAT is saying something. Gets called out by other members of the Detroit media for shilling for the team ….

Seriously, NEVER questioned why Mantha and Athanasiou didn’t play on opening night. Two guys who have nearly 20% of all Wings goals scored even though Mantha missed first 15 games and AA still gets questionable PT.

The best shot this tourney has ever had at breaking the glass ceiling. Can she do what Hillary Clinton could not?

15] Johnny Kane, Fox Sports Detroit

Pros: Isn’t as well-known as Trevor Thompson, John Keating, or any of the other FSD cheerleaders.

Cons: Kane was the FSD reporter when the Pistons clinched a playoff berth last year and Andre Drummond refused to celebrate because he got pulled from the game due to his awful free-throw shooting. Kane REFUSED to ask any questions about the situation.

Susan Lucci.

The Cleveland Indians of the 1990s.

The Buffalo Bills.

Alydar.

Kathryn Heigl in “27 Dresses.”

The Detroit Tigers of the last decade.

You can now add Lynn Henning to that impressive list of diseased entities with seconditis as the Detroit News baseball writer CHOKED away yet another golden opportunity to win the Drew Sharp Memorial DetroitSportsRag Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality for 2017.

The winner this year is Anthony Fenech of the Detroit Free Press — a deserving champion in his own right — but the big story is Henning’s complete failure to finally seal the deal.

In 2012, Henning reached the Fucked Up Four but lost to the eventual champion (Michael RosenNEBBISH) in the semis.

In 2014, Henning was upended by Keebler Elf Albom in the Excrement Eight –the only time the imbecile failed to reach a Fucked Up Four.

In 2015, “Go Soak Your Head” Henning lost in the finals to the Virginal Manatee by a mere three votes, a crushing defeat that is still controversial in some DSR circles.

And last year, Henning lost again in the semifinals, this time to Terry Foster.

But 2017 looked to be Lynn’s year. He ran through the early rounds like a man possessed. In the first round he annihilated Bob Duff 90% to 10%. In round two he crushed Matthew B. (Aggressive) Mowery 91% to 9%. He then proceeded to destroy one of the tourney favorites — Robert Wojnowski — 66% to 34% in a battle of awful Detroit News employees.

When Henning dispensed of Jeff Riger by a score of 62% to 38% in the Excrement Eight, it became conventional wisdom that Henning was finally going to win the hyberBOWL title. His victory over Doug Karsch in the FUF by a wide margin (59% to 41%) with Fenech only squeaking by the Sexless Whale on the other side of the bracket made the final seem perfunctory.

But Fenech would not be denied as he took an early lead and never let up, winning by a final tally of 52% to 48%. Fenech built a firm foundation over the last few years with his drunk driving escapades that included flipping over a PT Cruiser; sexually harassing a co-worker at CMU school newspaper; stalking a fellow student at Central; getting punched out at a Downriver bar for hitting on a dude’s girl; banging a superior at the Freep; and just being an absolutely awful writer on top of his horrific personality traits.

In 2017, his promise became reality when he overslept for a radio interview he committed to on 105.1 and snoozed through his regularly scheduled Detroit Free Press chat on another occasion. His constant defense of the Brad Ausmus regime almost matched that of Chris McCosky (the man he vanquished in the Excrement 8) but his baggage seemingly got him through that matchup with his fellow horrific Tigers beat writer.

Finally, Fenech decided to take a European vacation in the MIDDLE OF THE PENNANT RACE late last summer.

So, Fenech’s name will be inscribed on the Horse’s Ass Trophy right alongside Rosenberg, Foster, Anderson and Sharp.

We have big plans for the trophy delivery — if Fenech doesn’t croak before we get to it him like last year’s winner did — so pay attention to Periscope since you never know when we will be handing the hardware to Ant.

As for Henning, the man isn’t getting any younger and with the recent rash of layoffs/buyouts at the News you have to wonder if he squandered his best chance. If Henning couldn’t get it done the year he claimed Joba Chamberlain was going to get a 4-year, $50 million contract, you have to question if it’s just not in the stars for Poor ‘Ol Lynn.

Thanks to all who voted this year. Here are all of the results and the final bracket.

And if Fenech decides to celebrate this title tonight in Lakeland, for the love of [Trout], please call a Lyft.

Believe it or not, this website will have been in existence for 14 years next week. And in that time we’ve only witnessed two professional championships in Detroit and a TON of misery.  Not to mention thousands of awful columns, articles and takes from the simple-minded sports media members in this town.

But something I read over the weekend might have been the most offensive trash that’s come across my desk at DSR HQ since I created this hellish portal on the Internet on the eve of the second Iraq War. I shouldn’t even be surprised since the culprit has been an avowed Ken Holland slapdick since day one. A fucking beta male tool who, when William Clay Ford, Sr. finally fired Matt Millen, wrote that his replacement should have been the Red Wings General Manager.

I am going to dissect the entire scatalogical piece that Jamie Samulsen posted on his Freep blog Saturday momentarily, but just get a whiff of this shit Jizz Bucket wrote in that article ….

Ken Holland was as responsible as ANYONE not named Nick Lidstrom for reaching six Stanley Cups and winning four of them?!?!?!?!? Are you fucking KIDDING ME, you cum receptacle????? That right there is THEE most distasteful revisionist history I have ever read. The second most important person in this era? God damn, I am not sure I’d put him ahead of The Brow, Orange Hat Guy, Mo Cheese and Alto Reed™ (ME),  for Christ’s sake.

And since Kenny likes dishing out HISTORY LESSONS, let me give Christy McDonald’s indentured servant a tutorial of my own. It’s an oldie but a goodie and Samuelsen definitely needs to read it.

(By the way, is there any doubt that Christy fucks Jamie up the ass with a strap-on regularly? I am not saying that in a homophobic sense at all. As you all know, what anyone wants to do in their personal time is fine with me, but I am guessing this vanilla shitbag loves being emasculated by his spouse. Are the Samuelsen kids old enough to use Google yet? [Trout], I hope so. Keep reading, children.)

Ken Holland was a Western scout for the Wings organization until 1994 when he became the assistant General Manager under Jimmy Devellano and Scotty Bowman. Ya might have heard of them or seen their busts on Yonge Street in Toronto at the Hockey Hall of Fame. Holland didn’t take over as GM until AFTER the Red Wings had already won their first Cup in 1997.

And do you want to know what Holland’s first piece of business was once he finally got the reins of this team? He got embroiled in a bitter contract dispute with the greatest two-way forward to ever lace it up for the organization. Which resulted in a poison-pill deal that left bitterness between Sergei Fedorov and Mike Ilitch that lasted for decades. But I will get to that momentarily.

So Holland didn’t become GM until 1998 — before then he was busy telling Scotty and Jimmy D. to draft Denis Potvin clones like Jamie Pushor and Jesse Wallin —  and any Wings fan knows the FOUNDATION for this sustained success and the playoff streak and whatever went with it was built in 1983 and 1989.

By the time Holland became GM, the team had already been to one Final, had one of the greatest regular seasons in league history (1996), and won their first Cup in 42 years!!!! Why?

Because in June of 1983 they drafted a scrawny kid named Steve Yzerman out of Peterborough and in 1989 the team had the GREATEST DRAFT IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS HISTORY. That was the year they selected Fedorov, Lidstrom, Vladimir Konstantinov, Dallas Drake and Mike Sillinger.

The preparation for that draft was done by Devellano, Neil Smith (who would become the New York Rangers GM a month AFTER that year’s draft), and European super scout Christer Rockström. The 1989 class would go on to score 3,594 points in the NHL. And that’s with Vlady’s career tragically ending prematurely because of that asshat Richard Gnida.

And for the record, everyone I have listed in this article so far — sans Gnida — had a greater  impact on the Wings making six Cups than Ken Holland. Well, maybe not Pushor, Wallin and Sillinger. Ya know, the guys that Holland scouted in the WHL.

To put that 3,594 stat in perspective, in EVERY draft SINCE that 1989 gold rush, those players have tallied 9,831 points. That’s like 26 years of drafts!!!!!

As I have written on NUMEROUS occasions, Holland taking over the team in 1998 and leading it to an immediate Cup and success over the next couple of decades is the equivalent of throwing a party for a guy who won the final Wheel of Fortune puzzle when the clue was “Candy Company” and the answer was N-e-s-t-l-e.

And why is that? Because not only was Holland gifted several Hall of Famers and members of the recently announced Top 100 NHLers of all-time (91, 19, 5, Brendan Shanahan) but he also INHERITED Rockstrom’s replacement … Håkan Andersson. Holland didn’t hire the man responsible for selecting Pavel Datsyuk in the SIXTH round and Henrik Zetterberg in the SEVENTH round.

No, those two were BOTH scouts back in the early 1990s. Contemporaries. And do you want to know what Holland’s contribution to picking #13 and #40 was? While Andersson kept BEGGING Holland to select the pair in earlier rounds in 1998 and 1999 respectively, Holland told the team’s Euro scout that they’d get to them later.

That’s the real story when it comes to drafting Pavel and Henrik. Ken Holland was gift-wrapped TWO Tom Bradys and he almost FUCKED THAT UP. If it weren’t for Andersson, Holland would never have had a chance to give Pavel a contract extension years later when Datsyuk had already given warning signs that he wanted to return to Russia — which ended up costing the Wings a chance to draft Jakob Chychrun.

Do you want to know how easy Holland had it? Not only was he bequeathed a virtual All-Star team, and the greatest European scout to ever purchase a pair of binoculars, but he also had Mike Ilitch’s almost bottomless wallet to add whomever he wanted to that collection of talent.

Let’s put this in perspective for a moment. The Red Wings have the highest payroll in the league this season at $78 million. (Sure getting a real bang for your buck there, Ken!!!!!) In 2003 — before the salary cap era —  the team’s budget was $78 million!!!! That was 14 years ago. Just think about that for a second. Do you know how insane that is?

If you don’t, just look at MLB’s team payrolls in 2003 versus last season if you want to figure out what the normal level of inflation would have been without the salary cap ….

2003

2016

And not only was Holland able to outspend EVERYONE in the NHL, he also had the luxury of players falling at his feet to come to Detroit because OTHER Hall of Famers wanted to skate with Yzerman, Fedorov and Lidstrom.

Holland didn’t make the Dominik Hasek trade, the Dominator’s agent did. Rich Winter went to the Sabres management and said, “Dom wants out of Buffalo and the list of teams he will play for is …… DETROIT.”

Years later, Winter facilitated the free-agent signing of another one of his clients with Detroit.

Marian Hossa.

The dynasty, the legacy, the greatness, the playoff streak NEVER happens without the Captain, the 1989 draft, Bowman, Jimmy D, Smith, Nick Polano, Bryan Murray and many others. Yet this fuckstick Samuelsen has the CHUTZPAH to state that the second most important person in this era is Ken Holland!?!??!?!?!?!

GO TO HELL!!!!!

But let’s get to some other comments from Jizz Bucket’s Saturday masterpiece, which was published on the year anniversary of my father’s death. Thanks for that distraction at least, ya human equivalent of watching paint dry!!!!

Ok. so let’s get back to Sergei. As I mentioned earlier, Holland’s first big test as GM came in 1998 when the 1994 Hart Trophy/Selke winner (the only guy to do that in the HISTORY of the NHL) became a restricted free-agent and Holland proceeded to LOW BALL #91.

For some reason, Holland decided to haggle over a new contract with arguably the best player in the world at the time. The shit dragged on for months and months. It was late February and Sergei STILL was still not in uniform to help Detroit’s pursuit of back-to-back titles.

At that point, Pete Karmanos — the owner of Compuware and the Carolina Hurricanes and Ilitch’s arch-nemesis — decided to tender an offer sheet to Fedorov. If Ilitch wasn’t going to give Fedorov a fair contract, Karmanos decided he’d try to snatch Sergei. And not only did Karmanos tender Fedorov, he really stuck it to Mr. I with the following contract language:

Just $12 million of the $38 million is Fedorov’s base salary, which will be paid at $2 million per year. He will receive a $14 million signing bonus, which will bump him to $16 million this year, leaving a final $12 million.

But that’s the kicker, a scare tactic the Hurricanes hope discourages Detroit owner Mike Ilitch from matching the offer. The $12 million will be paid to Fedorov over the next four years unless the team reaches the conference finals. Then the bonus must be paid in one lump sum.

That recap was from a Michael Russo piece back in 1998. Back then, the Hurricanes had as much chance reaching the conference finals as Scott Anderson losing his virginity, and we all know what happened from there. The Wings matched the offer and the poison pill clause was enacted.

And Ilitch NEVER forgave Fedorov for inking that deal with his rival. You want to talk about loyalty, Jizz Bucket? Where was the loyalty to Fedorov in 1998 when Holland forced him to miss the first four months of the season over a contract dispute? And we know Fedorov eventually got fair value because the MARKET determined it. When did Yzerman or Lidstrom ever have to deal with that shit?

Holland’s first major contract negotiation ended in a disaster that left Ilitch bitter when Fedorov’s contract would come up again in 2003. And let me be clear about ONE THING HERE for the LAST FUCKING TIME ….

Fedorov was coming back to Detroit. He had made the decision to accept Holland/Ilitch’s offer after taking some time to think about his future. I have been told this by someone who WORKED for the Red Wings at the time, two members of the Canadian NHL press, and someone in Sergei Fedorov’s immediate family.

But Ilitch pulled back the contract at the last minute. Vindictiveness for Sergei signing that tender with Karmanos five years earlier.

You want to know why #91 won’t be hanging from the rafters at Little Caesars Arena but Vinnie Johnson’s and Richard Hamilton’s jerseys will be? Because of 1998. Because Ken Holland fucked up. And because Mike Ilitch was a stubborn asshole who held a stupid grudge until the day he died.

Loyalty? On Sergei’s part? Shove it up your ass, Jamie, if Christy’s high-heeled Christian Louboutins aren’t already up there.

On Jizz’s radio show the other day — with Bucket nowhere to be found — Holland stated that it would take 10 to 15 years to REBUILD the Red Wings. As one of my astute Twitter followers suggested, this is a god damn NHL team, not Iraq or Afghanistan.

10 to 15 years? Is this man insane???!?!? This is a league that is now built on parity. Other than Arizona and Colorado, most teams have been in some sort of playoff race all season long.

10 to 15 years??!??!?!?! If the Wings’ team plane crashed into a mountain it wouldn’t take 10 to 15 years to REBUILD. The Florida Panthers entered the NHL as an EXPANSION team in 1993 and reached the STANLEY CUP in their THIRD SEASON. And that was before the cap — when they were at an even greater disadvantage.

10 to 15 years?!??!?! Last season the Columbus Blue Jackets were the fourth worst team in the NHL and their horrific record only told half of the story. One of their best players got injured early in the season after a night of drunken carousing and LIED, saying he got injured during a practice or a game. During their annual after-the-season softball game, one of the Blue Jackets’ skaters got belligerent drunk and a teammate ended up knocking him out with one punch in foul territory of the outfield. While this player laid on the grass UNCONSCIOUS, the rest of the Columbus players CONTINUED THEIR GAME. Finally, their head coach called their captain the worst fucking leader he had ever seen.

That was all last year. This season? The Columbus Blue Jackets have the second best record in the entire Eastern Conference and are one of the favorites to reach the Stanley Cup Finals.

Now, granted, Holland has created a situation where the rebuild will probably take longer than it should have, but that’s HIS fault and not a reason why he should be retained to dig this franchise a bigger grave. But 10 to 15 years? Only if Holland is allowed to continue to run this organization into the ground.

Which leads me to the next asinine comment Milquetoast McDonald-Samuelsen made in that garbage blog of his ….

Holland has always insisted that his philosophy is to win the hockey game that particular night and put a team on the ice that has the best chance of doing so. It’s why he extended the contracts of players like Jonathan Ericsson, Niklas Kronwall and Justin Abdelkader when it would have been better in hindsight to let all three walk or at least test the open market and find out what they were really worth …..

I’ve always argued that being an executive under Mike Ilitch was both easy and hard at the same time. It’s easy because you had every possible resource to make the team into a winner. It’s hard because winning is expected every single season and it’s harder to build for the future and play the kids when you’re also expected to lead the team into the postseason.

Samuelsen tried to make the case that it was Mike Ilitch who ordered this culture of loyalty which in turn led to those awful veteran contracts. Umm, Ilitch might have shown deference to #19 and #5 or Justin Verlander or Miguel Cabrera but do you REALLY think Mr. I gave a fuck about Dan Cleary, Jonathan Ericsson, Luke Glendening, Darren Helm or Justin Abdelkader?

That was ALL Holland. And the loyalty shit is overrated as well. These are the guys whom the coward Holland — who hasn’t made a blockbuster trade since the Twin Towers were still standing — kept around like security blankets. It wasn’t loyalty as much as inertia.

And because of all of Holland’s horrendous moves over the last few seasons in an effort to extend that pox of a meaningless playoff streak, at the deadline this year the Wings were facing the reality that almost HALF of the team’s contracts were absolutely immovable.

Henrik Zetterberg couldn’t be traded because of his own poison pill contract that Holland inked, which would will lead to disastrous consequences if the Swedish center decides to retire before his deal expires. If you want to read why Holland has to keep Hank close to the fold, read this depressing article.

Frans Nielsen has a No-Movement Clause that Holland gave him for absolutely no reason, but it’s not like a lot of teams would be interested in paying a Poor Man’s Zetterberg $5 million a year until his Age 39 season anyway. Not any with an analytics department, that’s for sure.

Glendening is a fifth liner who doesn’t even START his four-year, $7.2 million contract until NEXT season. You couldn’t trade him to Las Vegas if Marian Ilitch included the deed for Motor City Casino.

Holland couldn’t figure out that Abdelkader’s numbers were inflated by playing with 13 and 40 the last few years so he handed him a SEVEN YEAR-deal worth $30 million. Abdelkader has five goals this season and if you think his style of play will translate well in his mid-30s …..  I guess you’ve never watched an NHL game before. Another albatross of a contract that is going nowhere.

Do I even have to explain why nobody would take the balance of Ericsson’s contract, which will pay Swedish Willie Huber almost $13 million over the next three seasons? Or the almost $10 million Kronwall’s carcass is owed over the next two years?

How about Darren Helm — who is in the FIRST year of a five-year deal worth nearly $20 million — and has a whopping THIRTEEN points this year!!!!

And I haven’t even reached the WORST contract on the books. One that is going to haunt this organization well into Donald Trump’s second term as President. Danny DeKeyser — a #6 defenseman at best and an AHLer at worst — is still owed $25 million through the 2022 season.

Read that last paragraph a few more times and try not to kill yourself. When you add Jimmy Howard’s contact to the mix, you reach a grand total of NINE immovable deals. Almost half of the roster is untradeable.

And the man responsible for ALL OF THAT is the person who Jamie Samuelsen believes is ENTITLED to fix this unmitigated disaster. An overrated moron who Jizz believes is more responsible for the team’s success from 1994 to 2010 than several of the greatest players to ever lace them up.

And why does Samuelsen think that? …..

There are others of course, but don’t discount the role Holland played from moving the Wings out of the salary cap-free era into the cap era and still keeping the Wings in contention.

I am going to let DSR contributor Topher Ryan explain how fucking asinine that comment is ….

Once again, this team thrived post lockout because they drafted the third best defenseman in the history of the league the year Taylor Swift was born and because their European scout convinced Jim Nill to select Zetterberg and Datsyuk ….

“What’s this name?” Hahhahhahaha.

Once again, IF Holland had hired Andersson, you could give him full marks for delegating tasks to the right people.

Except. He. Didn’t.

During the salary cap era, for every Brian Rafalski free-agent signing or Brad Stuart trade, there have been about five Mikael Samuelssons, Jordin Tootoos, Stephen Weisses and Carlo Colaiacovos.

Look, Ken Holland shouldn’t be fired because his team has only won ONE playoff series in the last six seasons.

Ken Holland shouldn’t be fired because the Wings are one of the worst three or four teams in the league THIS YEAR.

Ken Holland shouldn’t even be fired for all of the abhorrent contracts he has saddled this team with moving forward over the next few seasons.

No, Ken Holland should be shown the door because he has shown absolutely no comprehension that a rebuild is even necessary. As any 12-step program will tell you, the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Holland STILL refuses to come to grips with what is needed.

That’s why he told Michael Stone the other day that he didn’t regret passing on drafting Chychrun because that’s a move that wouldn’t help Detroit for NINE YEARS!!!! Yep, an 18-year-old defenseman who is outperforming every single one of your blueliners except Mike Green wouldn’t assist the Wings.

For almost a decade.

It’s why he wasted all of the cap money at his disposal last offseason trying to make an ill-fated run at extending the streak. It’s why he took the path of least resistance this trade deadline by moving Tomas Jurco and two pending UFAs instead of shopping Gustav Nyquist, Tomas Tatar and Mike Green back in December.

Ken Holland’s goal for the 2017-18 season is to make the playoffs in the first year of Little Caesars Arena even if it means again becoming cannon fodder for a higher seed.

He refuses to entertain the idea of a full rebuild because, in his warped head, it will take 10 to 15 years.

And at the end of the day, you can’t even blame Holland. Back in 1998 he was handed the keys to a Lamborghini. Not only does he have no stomach to fix this jalopy he currently is driving, he wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Which finally leads me to the end of this 3,500-word rant. And I hope Caroline Samuelsen, Josh Samuelsen and Catherine Samuelsen are still reading.

Your father came to Detroit over 20 years ago with this holier-than-thou, Northern-California-by-way-of-Northwestern-University smug attitude.

He was the voice of reason, some intelligent elitist who would judge things fairly and without any bias or passion whatsoever.

He still thinks he is smarter than the rest of us based on his bonafides — but he truly isn’t.

He’s just another dope in this town who loves to straddle the fence and never wants to put anything on the line. Instead, he just falls in line as another Ken Holland brown noser –when there is no shortage of those in this awful city.

Well, Jamie, if you want to taste some ass, mine’s right here for ya.

I hear it goes well with brie cheese and Napa Valley wine.

Go fuck yourself.

The DetroitSportsRag has received some interesting gossip over the last 72 hours regarding the future ownership of the Detroit Red Wings and Tigers. We are passing along that information in this post.

Sources have informed the DSR that Kelle Ilitch — the wife of Ilitch Holdings, Inc. CEO Chris Ilitch — has been gossiping to her friends that both the Tigers AND the Wings will be going up on the market due to the family’s intense concerns over tax issues.

While it’s not shocking that Chris Ilitch would look to sell his father’s baby — no matter how many naive columns Jeff Seidel writes in the Free Press about Chris playing catch with his kid —  the news that the Red Wings could also be sold is surprising. Speculation has been rampant in the Detroit business community that the Tigers would not remain in the Ilitch family and with a potential valuation of $1.5 billion, it would be hard to blame Chris for selling to the highest bidder.

(Another source indicated that “highest bidder” most likely will not be Pistons owner Tom Gores. The Platinum Equity President has made his bones acquiring distressed properties and not entitles with a soaring value. The Pistons are a great example of his business acumen as he purchased the NBA franchise, the team’s practice facility, Pine Knob, Meadowbrook and the yarmulke Bill Davidson wore at his Bar Mitzvah for $325 million from Karen Davidson. The Pistons alone are conservatively worth 2.5 times that price today.)

The strange part of Kelle Ilitch telling friends that tax issues are the reason the teams will be sold is the following:

• A former employee of Ilitch Holdings told the DSR that the family has worked for years on financial planning in an effort to avoid estate tax issues. Mike Ilitch’s death was no surprise as he spent the last couple years of his life in and out of Beaumont due to a cancer diagnosis. In fact, two employees of the Royal Oak hospital informed me that they were shocked Mr. I lived as long as he did.

• According to another former employee, Ilitch Holdings’ financial debt is tied to team revenue, creating another obstacle in selling the franchises.

That former employee also told me that the annual Ilitch family meeting is held at around this time of year and the sale of one or both of the teams would be broached in that setting.

All we can say for certain is Chris Ilitch’s wife has been openly discussing the sale of the Tigers and Red Wings with friends.

We will update you further if we hear anything. In the meantime, I have to figure out which spin class Kelle attends.

The last thing I want to write — or the last thing you desire to read — is another conventional Joff Mess column explaining why Red Wings’ GM Ken Holland needs to be fired immediately.

I’ve written that article so many times that I am sick of addressing the situation. If you want to traipse through that territory again, just go here, here or here. Trust me, it’s brilliant stuff and ahead of its time.

And if you want a national perspective on the Hindenburg that is Kenneth Holland’s managerial stylings, you can read today’s Bill Bradley dissertation on Deadspin — a post that I would like to think was heavily influenced by me and I doubt Mr. Bradley would argue.

No, I want to focus on three items today. First, John Niyo’s recent lukewarm column in the Detroit News regarding the future of the Red Wings. Second, bought-and-paid-for shill blogger George Malik’s response to Bradley’s Deadspin article. And third, a year after my “Swedish Mafia” article I will tell you the identity of the Wings player behind that scoop and how we received the tip.

John Niyo, You Failed Us 

For the last few seasons, I have written extremely long articles at the end of the NHL season regarding what I believe the Red Wings should do during the summer months in an effort to regain the franchise’s past glory.

My column from May of 2016 can be found here, but if you want to save yourself some time, just know that if Holland had followed my formula, the team would have some salary flexibility this offseason, Jakob Chychrun would be in the organization, and Darren Helm and Frans Nielsen would not.

But I am not going to write something similar this year because with Holland in charge it is painfully obvious that none of my suggestions will be implemented. If anything, Holland has continually done the exact OPPOSITE of what I proposed. It’s just too depressing to concoct a fantasy situation where the rebuild commences only for Holland to double down on his horrific mistakes.

Which brings us to Niyo, whom I consider to be the best media member working in my own personal Shit Town. I was hardly expecting dipshits like Robert Wojnowski, Helene Scarf James or Ansar Khan to call for Holland’s head, but I was holding out hope that Niyo would write that piece — one that hasn’t been written by any “working” member of the Detroit sports media.

Instead Niyo pulled a Moss and came up with a rebuilding plan of his own that included quality ideas like bribing the Las Vegas expansion team to take one of the team’s atrocious contracts (Helm, Danny DeKeyser, Jonathan Ericsson, Nik Kronwall, Justin Abdelkader ….. Hey, how much time do you folks have?) with a draft pick since the Golden Knights have a lot of salary space to work with.

Niyo even rightfully carpet bombed Holland’s recent history in this paragraph …..

This would be all fine and well if you were dealing with a GM facing reality, but we are not. Niyo wrote this column after Holland’s season-ending press conference during which he reiterated that there would be no rebuild and the team would still try to tweak its way into the 2018 postseason. Holland made it abundantly clear that he is going to stick with the same plan that has gotten us into this mess in the first place.

And this presser was coming off a recent interview he did with Michael Stone on 97.1 where the lunatic suggested that a rebuild would take FIFTEEN YEARS!!!!! Think about that for a second. 15 seasons. If the Wings team plane crashed into an ocean killing all aboard, the rebuild wouldn’t take a decade and a half.

The Florida Panthers were FOUNDED in 1993 and reached the Stanley Cup Finals in 1996!!! And THAT was prior to the Salary Cap Era and not in this current Gary Bettman wet dream of parity.

Niyo didn’t have to call for Holland’s job based solely on this past season in which the team’s fluky shootout record masked how bad the team REALLY was. Niyo didn’t even have to mention that the Wings had the league’s highest payroll in 2016-17 and all that got them was 24 regulation and overtime wins. (Only the Avalanche had fewer and they were considered one of the worst regular season teams in post-lockout history.)

Nor did he have to reference Holland’s 2016 spending spree which left the organization with no budgetary wiggle room whatsoever in the year they are to move into a brand new arena.

All Niyo had to write was that Holland is taking an irresponsible approach MOVING FORWARD and is contradicting Niyo’s own to-do list from his column written that day!!!! And that Holland clearly isn’t the man for this project.

But for whatever reason, Niyo didn’t do that. I have no idea why. He was our only hope and instead he gave us ‘It’s time for Holland to change’ when that train left the station three years ago.

Here is the thing. Detroit media members are terrified to call for Holland’s job because of his resume that was built on the backs of Jimmy Devellano, Hakaan Andersson, Scotty Bowman, Bryan Murray and Neil Smith.

I wonder how many of those dolts realize that since the Wings last hoisted Lord Stanley’s hardware in 2008, only FOUR teams have won the Cup. The Penguins, Blackhawks, Kings and Bruins.

And do you know what Ray Shero, Dale Tallon, Dean Lombardi and Peter Chiarelli all have in common? They were the General Managers who BUILT those teams and they all have been either fired or demoted since the Wings beat the Pens in ’08. In the meantime, the Wings have won ONE postseasons series in the last six years.

In some cities, the goal is winning the Stanley Cup and not just making token playoff appearances. Fortunately for Ken Holland, this ain’t one of them.

George May Lick My Taint

As I mentioned earlier, friend of the DSR Bill Bradley wrote a tremendous piece dissecting Holland’s recent failures for Deadspin today. Hell, dopey Holland miraculously even subjected himself to an interview with Bradley. I guess the GM doesn’t realize he can’t talk himself out of every situation and that “Jizz Bucket” Jamie Samuelsen-types aren’t always at the other end of his line.

Anyway, noted Holland apologist and morally bankrupt Red Wings blogger George Malik decided to chime in with a blog post calling into question Bradley’s use of an unnamed former Ilitch employee who had some depressing and disparaging things to say about Holland. Because the standards of the New York Times and Washington Post aren’t good enough for an article about an NHL TEAM.

This giant hunk of shit has the chutzpah to question ANYONE else’s integrity? This is the same guy who took a PAYCHECK from Pavel Datsyuk’s miniature agent/mortgage broker and wrote a puff piece on Dan Milstein’s agency without divulging his monumental conflict of interest!!!!!

Yep, Malik wonders if Deadspin is being Deadspin. The SAME MANIAC who asked this question of Milstein and then pimped the article on his Twitter handle …..

Your passion for advocacy really comes across when you talk about those you represent, especially the young prospects. Do you relate to some of the struggles they face, given your humble beginnings?

You’re obviously a self-made man, and I’m sure no stranger to challenges yourself. It must be gratifying to give a ‘hand up’ to those you know have what it takes.

You’ve obviously built great leadership within the Gold Star Family of Companies. Can you tell me more about the team of player advisors you’ve assembled with the sports management group – why you chose them — and what they bring to the table?

For fuck’s sake.

And not only is Malik a paid shill who tried to HIDE that from his audience. he works for a website that posted the ramblings of a racist fuckface who blogged that Wayne Simmonds and PK Subban made the All Star team as part of some vast left-wing conspiracy to market black hockey players.

And who called out Malik’s website when that post saw the light of the day?

Deadspin.

But Malik wasn’t done. This conman then went on Twitter and disparaged ME ….

A “bogus source.”

A bogus source????????

Wow, it really hurts when you are called bogus by the man taking a paycheck from the dude who helped facilitate Datsyuk’s exit, thus costing the Wings a top pair, offensive defenseman for the next 20 years. AND NOT DISCLOSING THAT HE WAS ON MILSTEIN’S PAYROLL AT THE TIME!!!!!

The Bogus Source 

So let’s talk about the Swedish Mafia story for a minute.

After the Wings were eliminated by the Lightning last spring …. AGAIN … I penned an article stating a source had told the DSR that Wings captain Henrik Zetterberg was acting as the de facto coach of the team.

And that Jeff Blashill would tell the team one thing and the minute the rookie coach walked out of the locker room, Zetterberg would bark out his own orders.

We were also told that Zetterberg’s influence was part of the reason that guys like Ericsson could get away with turnover after turnover and never get benched or even miss a shift. Or why a garbage player like Joakim Andersson was on the team’s 2016 playoff roster when Anthony Mantha was not.

Zetterberg, of course, denied the details in my story and even went as far to tell the Detroit sports media that he wanted to TALK TO ME PERSONALLY about my article. I reached out to several people in an effort to facilitate this meeting with Hank, but, of course, it never materialized. That was all talk from #40.

So, how did the DSR get that juicy scoop? Here is how ….

After the Wings were vanquished from the postseason, one of the members of the team contacted a friend of his who also plays in the league. This Wings forward spilled the beans about Zetterberg acting as the shadow manager.

The friend of the Wings player just happened to be close to a former writer and contributor to this website. You can connect the dots from there.

I am not going to disclose the player’s name but I will say this. He is in the midst of a ridiculous seven-year, $30 million contract. His numbers predictably plummeted this year with Datsyuk in Russia. And he is engaged to an absolute dime piece.

I doubt you’ll ever figure out this riddle.

It’s good to be back.

Earlier this afternoon, Terry Foster announced that he was retiring from his radio gig at 97.1 after unsuccessfully returning to the airwaves following two strokes he had suffered last year. It was a shock to many, but not to those who had been reading either this website or my Twitter feed since Foster’s return in January.

I predicted this outcome back in early February after being deluged with emails, Tweets and Facebook messages from fans of the Mike Valenti and Foster program. I received literally over 100 messages from listeners bombing Valenti for his treatment of Foster while the former Detroit News writer tried to ease his way back into the show he had co-hosted for over a decade.

I even wrote an article detailing Foster’s struggles with reading live advertising copy and wondered if CBS Radio was being dishonest with their clients regarding what they were actually purchasing. I am not just writing this to pat myself on the back — although I love doing that — but to let you know I’ve been pretty dialed in on this story for months now. Just in case you want to question what I am going to write next.

Terry Foster can see and write whatever he wants about Valenti now that he has “retired”, but it is Valenti’s behavior which expedited this process. Just look back at what I wrote on February 6th regarding Valenti’s treatment of his longtime broadcast partner …..

Speculation among industry insiders is that Valenti is trying to make a point with 97.1 management with his treatment of Foster. (3)

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) February 7, 2017

If Valenti pushes Foster out, the thinking is a national search will commence to find his replacement. Not in-house. (6)

— Jeffrey Moss (@JeffMossDSR) February 7, 2017

Valenti and the show’s producer (Mike Sullivan) were horrendous to Foster upon his return. They were abusive, denigrating and had zero patience for the fight Foster was waging. As I wrote back in January, even I had laid off Foster after warring with him for years. It became quite obvious that Valenti viewed this as his opportunity to rid himself of Foster once and for all. Look, I would have had no problem if Valenti had used his clout PRE-STROKE to get rid of Foster, either because the New York Studio Gangsta thought T-Fos wasn’t doing enough show prep or that he was diverting the show to areas Valenti didn’t want it to go.

But waiting until AFTER the guy had two brain episodes to make his power move? Well, it’s the story of Valenti’s life. From originally wanting to work with a punching bag in Foster, to how he ended his longtime relationship with his ex-girlfriend when he met his current wife, to refusing to leave the comfort of his 97.1 studio and his 14-second delay button in order to burnish his tough guy act. And of course, abandoning Twitter because of some real meanies.

It’s his legacy. All of this is his typical modus operandi. He is a devout coward and this latest move is his Mona Lisa.

I spoke to someone in the radio business who advised me that mundane tasks like opening a door had become an issue for Foster and that it was “sad to see.” So when Valenti states that Foster didn’t want to be treated differently on the air — as he stated today on the air — just remember the thought of Foster struggling to hold a door open. Yeah, maybe Foster made that comment, but where the fuck is your humanity, Mike?

On an almost a daily basis, I would receive alerts from my followers that either Valenti or his handpicked, bitch boy producer Sullivan was tormenting Foster over issues that CLEARLY were related to the strokes. One would have to wonder if the show’s former producer Jim Bentley would have stood by while the pair treated Foster so horribly.

Valenti actually stated on 97.1 this afternoon that he wasn’t patient enough with Foster post-stroke. Is that your guilty conscious speaking? Are you going through a 12-step program? Maybe the next person with whom you should make amends is your ex-girlfriend. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense AFTER you got your way. You might be fooling your listeners, but ya ain’t fooling me.

I am sure some of you are surprised that I am defending Foster. It’s no secret that this websight™  (Terry Foster) has a long, sordid history with the Central Michigan University grad going back to the days when I was a fan of the “Sports Doctors” program on WDFN with Art Regner and Foster. The first local notoriety the DSR received was when Foster wrote an article about this site for the Detroit News.

And of course there was the time that Foster tried to go partners with us and join our venture by suggesting we supplement the website with a paper version. A sports version of the Metro Times. He even once wrote an article for the DSR that his News’ bosses immediately made us take down.

But everything changed when Foster discovered Twitter. His Tweets were so terrible that I couldn’t refrain from bombing him. This led to an all-out, ugly Twat War while Foster was on the air one afternoon that culminated with him calling me a racist. You can call me a lot of things (many of them deserved) but a racist is not one of them. I am a bleeding heart, Bernie Sanders supporting liberal who stopped doing my weekly appearances with Ryan Schuilling because I refused to appear on a show with a Donald Trump supporter. I am to the left of Ta-Nehisi Coates when it comes to African-Americans receiving reparations for slavery and Jim Crow.

Calling me a racist was the end of any civil relationship between the two of us and I declared a Fatwah that didn’t end until Foster’s first stroke. I was vicious in retaliation over his false label and I constantly destroyed Foster over his awful sports takes and many failed restaurant ventures. It’s true. You can even Google it.

But even I felt bad about the stroke and how it hindered Foster from him doing his job. It could not have come at a worse time as less than a year prior, Foster had been forced out by the News. They had given him an ultimatum that he either take the Pistons beat gig or accept a buyout. Of course, Foster couldn’t follow the Pistons on the road 41 times a year AND do the 97.1 show so he picked radio. And then approximately seven months later he had the first stroke.

If that timing wasn’t bad enough, Foster’s oldest daughter is on the verge of entering college. Foster recently proudly announced that his first-born got into Stanford and I am pretty sure that’s not a cheap school to attend.

It’s all very sad as the media personality is only 58 years old. He went from two lucrative media jobs to none and whatever buyout he allegedly received from CBS Radio or Entercom or whatever it’s called these days surely isn’t sufficient for a man of his age.

But I am sure that deep down Valenti is extremely happy with this turn of events. He got rid of Foster and now he can do the show alone with his “Yes Man” Sullivan chiming in with brilliant takes such as the Michigan basketball team plane crash being an overblown story.

People are already speculating over who will replace Foster, but I don’t see anyone filling that chair until football season at the earliest. I am guessing they will conduct a national search but at the end of the day Valenti and his agent Mort Meisner will probably demand that Jeff Riger get that cushy spot. Riger was the fill-in when Foster was rehabilitating and is a client of Meisner as well.

And Kermit the Riger is a good fit for both 97.1 and Valenti. He will come cheap and the Ass Clown Coward will get another dopey punching bag to battle.

Only Alan Colmes could fill that job any better.

And he is dead.

I kind of get why Valenti hates humanity so much. He owns a mirror.

I know this might come as a shock to some Detroit sports fans who buried the Tigers earlier this week after an awful stretch in which their bullpen and defense competed to rip our hearts out, but after 18 games the team is currently in a first place tie with the Tribe.

And if the team’s defense and relief pitching didn’t give you violet diarrhea this past week, the fact that starters were going down left and right with injuries couldn’t have been very reassuring. Many Tigers fans totally lost their shit in the midst of the organization’s four game losing streak and started Tweeting doomsday predictions.

The fact is the Tigers are basically right where I figured they needed to be while J.D. Martinez  rehabbed from a foot injury. Within shouting distance of the Cleveland Indians. With the apparent weaknesses of this franchise heading into the season, losing their second best hitter and sometimes best offensive player was something a team that desperately needed to get off to a decent start could not afford. At all.

And yet the Tigers are hanging in there even with a starting lineup that includes John Hicks, Jim Adduci (who the fuck is this guy???) and Andrew Romine.

This team has a chance to be damn good when they get healthy if they can get a reliever or three at some point via trade but the moronic managing of three-year Ivy League Imbecile Brad Ausmus continues to be a major issue. In fact, if you ask me what worries me most about this season, I’d put Ausmus ahead of the ‘pen and centerfield based on what we’ve seen from Dartmouth Dopey over the last couple of weeks.

And my major point of contention is Half-Joo’s continued blind loyalty to Victor Martinez. Now, I know injuries have effed up the lineup in recent days, but what excuse is there for V-Mart to continue to bat CLEANUP on this team? That decision is inexplicable for numerous reasons and you have to go back to last September to understand just how troubling it is.

Some people around these parts have suffered amnesia or something, but if you think really hard, you might recall that the Tigers controlled their own playoff destiny when they woke up Saturday morning in Atlanta during the last week of the season. And this wasn’t just any year. Management knew Mike Ilitch was never going to live to see a World Series championship if it didn’t occur in 2016. That’s how grave his health was.

But was there any sense of urgency from Ausmus? Not at all. How many rallies croaked during the last few weeks of the season because Victor CONSTANTLY ended scoring threats by rolling over on pitches and grounding RIGHT INTO THE SHIFT? It was apparent that V-Mart was shot for the season. Well, to everyone except Ausmus.

While Justin Upton was absolutely on fire and Julio Daniel was Julio Daniel, Ausmus STUBBORNLY REFUSED to slide Victor down the order. And fans weren’t even privy to what was REALLY going on with the team’s Designated Hitter …..

HE WAS PLAYING WITH A GOD DAMN HERNIA!!!!!!

This from the New York Times — purchase a subscription and save our Republic — regarding that injury ….

I mean …. what?!?!?!?!? With the season on the line and V-Mart playing with a painful bulging organ, Ausmus adamantly refused to give the offense a boost by sliding Martinez down.

And then came the start to this season. In 68 plate appearances, Martinez has ONE extra-base hit. And that came TODAY. Even after a 3-for-5 performance against the Twins, V-Mart still has a lousy batting average of .222, an anemic on-base percentage of .286 and a pathetic OPS of .524.

He’s basically Don Kelly without the speed. Batting fourth. Seriously, a week or so ago, the dude hit a ball off the wall and never even thought of trying for a double. I joked on Twitter that the only thing slower than V-Mart this year is the current season of Better Call Saul.

After 16 games, Martinez has an fWAR of negative .5. That’s really hard to do in that short period of time. But here we are.

So what will we find out was bothering this offseason? MCL sprain? Another hernia? Athlete’s foot?

Once Miguel Cabrera and JD return to the lineup, this corpse of a baseball player MUST move down the batting order. The Tigers don’t have the luxury of getting nothing from the cleanup spot given their other flaws. They need their offense to offset the awfulness of that bullpen and Jordan Zimmermann.

And I’ll go one step further. If the decrepit Designated “Hitter” doesn’t start producing more than one extra-base hit every 16 games it’s going to be time to come to grips with the fact that Victor is done like dinner. The team is going to need someone other than Alex Avila to pose a threat from the left side of the plate at some point this season.

Maybe that person will end up being 23-year-old outfield prospect Christin Stewart, who is currently annihilating right-handed pitching in Erie. Stewart currently enjoys a slash line of .283/.397/,566 with ten XBHs in 15 games. Supposedly defense isn’t one of Stewart’s strong suits so easing into MLB as a DH seems like a perfect marriage…exccept for the fact that V-Mart has nearly $36 million still owed to him by the Tigers and we know how the Ilitch sports franchises value loyalty no matter the bitter truth on the field and especially when paychecks like that are still pending.

How Ausmus handles this situation will be a good indication of what he has learned while managing the Tigers.

And considering no amount of evidence whatsoever can seem to convince Ausmus that Justin Wilson should be employed as the team’s high-leverage bullpen option as opposed to V-Mart’s fellow apparently finished Venezuelan buddy Francisco Rodriguez …. well…..

Yeah … I am sure we are pretty fucked.

Every single year, the DSR committee** that selects the entrants in our Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality has the most difficult time figuring out how to handle Lansing State Journal columnist Graham Couch. There is never a question of his awfulness or a debate over his worthiness, it’s just that geographically speaking he poses a quandary.

The tourney is meant solely for DETROIT media personalities and Cracker Sofa is based out of the state’s capital. For instance, that HUGE asshat Bill Simonson would probably be a #1 seed if he had any Motown connection, but since he is Grand Rapids’ problem, he has never been allowed to participate.

The argument has always been: what’s the difference in including someone like Joe Rexrode or Angelique Chengelis since their body of work is collegiate-related and non-Detroit also. That point was starting to fall on deaf ears with me until it was brought to my attention by other committee members that Couch’s work DOES appear occasionally in the Detroit Free Press.

(** — Believe it or not, I am not joking when I say there is a committee. It’s not all my choice alone. There are about 10 to 12 DSR elite members who chime in with their opinions. The bracket is usually revamped a few times before being published based on their input.)

Anyway, Couch really causes quite the conundrum. He has all of the necessary takes that would make him a #1 seed, but that 90 mile jaunt from Lansing to Detroit has always prevented him from “achieving” that high ranking. My question has always been, “Do we really want a guy based out of Lansing winning the whole enchilada?”

This became a serious dilemma last year when MGoBlog’s creator Brian Cook started ReTweeting only the tourney matchups that involved Empty-Headed Futon. With MGoBrian’s loyal, rabid and LARGE following — who universally despise Couch — voting for the dopey Lansing writer, it became necessary for me to remove Couch matchups from Twitter. Couch would have won in a Reagan-esque landslide if I didn’t make that executive decision.

But after the last couple of weeks, I am starting to wonder if this monumental nitwit is worth protecting. How bad is Couch? Cook suggested a bracket of his own a few days ago. A tournament of Couch’s worst 64 takes. It’s a brilliant idea except who the fuck could possibly whittle it down to ONLY 64?

Right off the top of my head I thought of four worthy #1 seeds.

Or the time he basically insinuated that if he were Connor Cook, he’d be doing blow off a co-ed’s tits ….

Or how about this doozy from the DSR archives:

But the #1 overall seed would almost have to be his declaration that kids should have to go to school on Martin Luther King Day”:

Graham Couch is basically Skip Bayless without the six zeroes on his yearly tax return. I mean, the guy is slumming it working for a small paper in Lansing and is still willing to trade in any dignity he might have for a modicum of cheap heat. He’s like a bad guy wrestler whooping it up at local flea market shows or VFW halls.

Well, that’s part of it, of course. The other issue with Couch, in my humble opinion, is that he pictures himself as some sort of intellectual. Except he doesn’t have NEARLY the brainpower to pull off the high-wire act he is attempting.

And nothing personifies his Shemp Wallenda act more than a Tweet he sent out on Friday. But first, a little backstory. As you probably know, three Michigan State football players have been under investigation for months regarding a potential sexual assault. At the end of February, Couch wrote a column where he insanely called that investigation “noise.”

Not only did he cheapen the potential sexual assault of a woman with the word “noise”, he proceeded to basically state that the team’s losing is what’s causing the rape investigation to be a big story. Don’t believe me? Well…..

I hadn’t read that offensive drivel on February 25th when Couch posted it, but thankfully Cook’s (Brian, not the former MSU QB who Couch suggested should be doing crystal meth off a stripper’s ass) second-in-command Ace Anbender caught Couch ReTweeting the column on Friday.

And why was Couch pimping out his nearly two-month-old column again on Friday? Because earlier that day it was announced that MSU defensive end Auston Robertson had been booted from the football team after being charged with third-degree criminal sexual conduct.

And THIS is what Couch Tweeted:

That’s the best screen grab I can provide since Couch subsequently deleted his post. He once again reiterated that “what’s transpiring is ultimately the result of winning and losing.” And what is the what in that sentence? Another Spartan football player being embroiled in a sexual assault case.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WINNING AND LOSING?!!?!?!?!?!?!???!!?!??!?!?!?!? Are ya shitting me. An MSU football player is accused of FORCIBLY having sex with a female despite her allegedly telling him to STOP and Couch takes the opportunity to re-post an article in which the LEDE was:

Forget the other noise for a minute: What Michigan State’s football program is going through right now is, first and foremost, about winning and losing.

Later in that atrocious column, Couch mentions that Mark Dantonio probably made a Faustian bargain by recruiting blue-chip prospects even when they had character red flags in their past like Robertson. And that issue ALONE would have made for a quality column. It’s a salient point.

But sorry, we can’t forget the fact that you called sexual assault cases “noise” and stated that if MSU wins, Dantonio will be safe no matter how many women are penetrated against their will by men three times their size.

It would be like forgiving the Detroit-area doctor who was giving cancer treatment to patients who DID NOT have cancer for his own profit if, after he gave radiation to a perfectly health person, he had donated some of the funds to the Children’s Leukemia Foundation.

Couch wants attention so badly that he purposely murdered a perfectly good column for the controversy of his first nine paragraphs. And of course when the original article didn’t get enough outrage, this knucklehead found an even more incendiary way to draw eyeballs to himself with that imbecilic Tweet.

“This column on MSU works well today ….”

Tell that to the woman who allegedly accepted Robertson’s offer to walk her home to her apartment so she’d be safe and then got raped in the process by Mr. Defensive End From Camelot himself, YOU MONUMENTAL PILE OF HORSE SHIT.

Here’s an idea, when Miles Bridges leads the Spartans to a National Championship next April, instead of burning actual couches in East Lansing, how about you get a bunch of Graham’s columns and light those on fire? Seems a lot safer for everyone involved.

Which leads me to my final thought ….

Does Tom Izzo know that his players are allowed to rape and pillage with impunity?

Multiple Most Valuable Player trophies.

A staff full of past, present and future Cy Young Award winners.

The first Triple Crown — either equine or human — since Affirmed.

Bookend Rookie of the Year right-handed aces.

More Silver Slugger awards than Jim Leyland cigarette butts.

The Detroit Tigers from 2006 to 2017 featured a smorgasbord of future Hall of Famers (Justin Verlander, Miguel Cabrera, Max Scherzer?) and All-Stars (David Price, Victor Martinez, JD Martinez, Justin Upton, etc.) seldom accumulated on one team in a single decade of baseball.

And in the end it’s all going to be meaningless.

Empty.

As hollow as Dan Leach’s head.

Because it has become abundantly clear over the last month of this season that the past decade of Tigers baseball is going to join the ash heap of history alongside the early 90s Buffalo Bills and the late 90s Cleveland Indians. A total waste of time. A blue-balling, dick-tease that would make the adult establishments on 8 Mile blush.

The Tigers returned home this evening coming off a disastrous 1-6 road trip that solidified the notion that this historically advantaged franchise will never replicate the success of the 1984 team. And if it’s not bad enough that Mike Ilitch, Dave Dombrowski, Leyland and Brad Ausmus wasted a collection of talent unparalleled in Major League Baseball over the last ten plus years, the stark reality that this all occurred with a budget edge over their division rivals rarely seen in the annals of professional sports makes this shit show even more incomprehensible.

It would be one thing to have wasted the entire careers of first ballot Hall of Famers like Miggy and JV and gone without a parade, jewelry or an early morning championship memorabilia sale at Dunham’s  without the bitter pill to swallow that this all of this occurred while the Tigers resided in the AL Central. The biggest waste of talent since the movie “Out of the Furnace.”

A division — mind you — that for years basically laid down and requested the Tigers sodomize it.

Just take a look at the Tigers’ payroll advantage over their Central rivals over the last few seasons …..

2017

Tigers — $200 Million
Closest Central Rival (Indians) — $124 Million
$76 Million Advantage Over Next Highest Spending Team

2016

Tigers — $172 Million
Closest Central Rival (Royals)– $112 Million
$60 Million Advantage Over Next Highest Spending Team

2015

Tigers — $173 Million
Closest Central Rival (White Sox) — $115 Million
$58 Million Advantage Over Next Highest Spending Team

2014

Tigers — $162 Million
Closest Central Rival (Royals) — $92 Million
$70 Million Advantage Over Next Highest Spending Team

2013

Tigers — $148 Million
Closest Central Rival (Royals) — $81 Million
$67 Million Advantage Over Next Highest Spending Team

2012

Tigers — $132 Million
Closest Central Rival (White Sox) — $96 Million
$36 Million Advantage Over Next Highest Spending Team

Over the last six seasons, the Tigers have had an average of a SIXTY-ONE million dollar payroll advantage over their closest AL Central foe and they’ve turned that into absolutely NOTHING. Now, you can say that money doesn’t buy championships (which is kind of like stating money doesn’t buy happiness — but it sure does help) but when you have that kind of head start EVERY SEASON for over half a decade you’d think you could parlay that into ONE title!!!!!

The rest of the division is spotting you a Cabrera and a Verlander (in their primes) every god-damn year and you still can’t get it done ONE TIME?

Look, I am not here to write an autopsy of the 2006-2017 Tigers. Fuck, ya don’t have to be Dr. Ljubisa Dragovic to figure out that Dombrowski’s stubborn refusal to ever go all-in on fixing the bullpen was this team’s thermal exhaust port.

Not that it was the only issue though. There are a litany of reasons why we are going on 33 years without a Woodward celebration. Here’s a mere sampling:

• Believing that Jeff Baker was the fix in right field in 2012.
• Not firing Leyland after the Gerald Laird 0-for-6, 10 LOB in Game 163 of 2009 which followed an epic September collapse which meant Cancer Stick was still the manager during the 2013 ALCS when he prematurely pulled Scherzer on two occasions and completely botched the bullpen leading to David Ortiz’s assassination of Torii Hunter.
• The ignominious Tiger careers of Jarrod Washburn and Aubrey Huff.
• Trading Doug Fister at the end of 2013 for two prospects who weren’t ready to contribute in 2014 and then dealing one of them (Robbie Ray) before he turned into one of the best pitchers in the National League.

And this list could go on and on before I even mentioned the complete failure of the scouting department to procure any help from the entry draft, or trading Eugenio Suarez (currently 18th in the NL in WAR) away for a murdering slob. Allegedly.

And since I mentioned Scherzer, where was THIS guy when Leyland went to pull him in 2013?

We never got to see THAT Max because Mike Ilitch decided to bitterly lowball the current best pitcher in all of baseball a few years ago when Scherzer had the audacity to properly gauge his market status.

Remember this gem?

“It irked me. Forget about him.”

I hope that money you saved by not paying Max is keeping you warm in the graveyard, MISTER ILITCH!!!!! I mean, it might be easy for you to forget about him because you’re dead, but the rest of us still have to witness Scherzer taking no-hitters into the seventh inning on the regular while Jordan Zimmermann gets lit up like the Vegas Strip.

Oh yeah, and speaking of that huge monetary advantage we’ve enjoyed over the last decade, that’s going away also. Because Chris Ilitch doesn’t want to do everything possible to provide long suffering Tigers fans with the elixir we need. So J.D. Martinez  any day now will be in a better situation (like Scherzer) while Chris prepares to open Little Caesars Arena down the street from Comerica Park.

On the backs of taxpayers to the tune of $250 million in a bankrupt city with broken down schools while Ilitch and his family enjoy a reported net worth of 6.5 billion dollars. It basically boils down to this: The upcoming reduction in Tigers payroll to Chris Ilitch is the equivalent of you and Zoe purchasing a package of Skittles.

That’s what we have to look forward to. The pending teardown of this organization with jack shit to show for it except maybe a “We Own the Central” towel to cry into.

Nope. We don’t own the Central any longer. We’ve been evicted by a team from CLEVELAND that’s doing it at a fraction of the cost.

HAVE I CHEERED YOU UP YET?!?!??!?!??

Well, look on the bright side …..

At least you didn’t have to pay $5 a month for this article.

(You can follow Moss on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. You can discuss this article on Facebook by clicking here. You can also go fuck yourself if you’d like. Totally up to you.)