Mike Valenti Jeff Moss
SportsInferno@HotMail.com DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 15, 2014

I guess I should be flattered that 97.1 talk show host Mike Valenti is attempting to recreate the plot from the movie, “Single White Female,” by stealing my identity
but something is very creepy about his ongoing behavior.

It all started years ago when Valenti wanted a writing slot at the DetroitSportsRag. Yes, you read that correctly. Before he got the gig at WXYT — back when he was still broadcasting out of Lansing — he contacted ME for a gig. This has been posted here before but it NEVER gets old …..

That email preceded this “article” that Valenti actually wrote for THIS website. Of course, it was so fucking awful that we never posted it, but I am just giving the background for this dude’s obsession with me going back to 2003 …..

I mean, can you imagine sending THAT as your first article when looking for a new journalistic opportunity? Why not just send out a resume stating you’re a pederast who enjoys 90-minute lunches and that ya need 12 weeks of vacation?

And Mike Valenti wanted to be MY latex salesman?

Valenti’s odd relationship with me continued when he got the gig at AM1270 and I started lambasting him like I do like most Detroit media members. Terry Foster and station management actually had to forbid the kid from reading the site because he couldn’t take my criticism. I guess it was funnier when I was bombing Rob Parker and not him.

(How do I know that Valenti had to be BANNED from reading this site? Well, Terry Foster himself told me so — back when HE was auditioning for a job here also.)

This isn’t really apropos of anything, but I am contractually obligated to post those emails from Valenti every six months.  So let’s get to the part where Valenti seems to want to be me.

Anyone who knows ANYTHING about me knows two things …

1) I am a dick.

2) I love horse racing. Like, more than anything in this world. [I hope Melissa Mist isn't reading this article.] I haven’t gone on a vacation in like 20 years that didn’t involve horse racing. My Twitter background is a race track. When I die, I want my ashes spread on the grounds of Gulfstream Park.

So what is Mike Valenti’s Twitter avatar?

Yep, a photo of Valenti at Saratoga Race Course holding a pair of NYRA Autotote tickets. A guy who admittedly doesn’t know what a part-wheel is. (Only Valenti and I will get that reset.)

Ok, that might be a coincidence, you say. The guy grew up in upstate New York and has a thing for Saratoga. Whatever.

If there is any association that I have that might even be stronger than my affinity for the thoroughbred animal, it is my obsession with Howard Stern. In fact, whenever I have a decision to make regarding this website, I ask myself, “What would Howard Stern Do?”

Why do I mention this? Well, check out these Tweets of mine from September 19th ….

What a nice peaceful evening at the Myst residence. No Tigers game to make me miserable and watched Private Parts for the 16,324th time.

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 19, 2014

As great as Private Parts was, the soundtrack was even better. “I don’t believe in dying — there’s no such luck.” pic.twitter.com/atNkgVdSKx — Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 19, 2014

12 days later? Here is what the Copycast Studio Gangsta Tweeted out …

Check that. Private Parts is on. Rest of tv rendered unwatchable. — Mike Valenti (@MikeValenti971) October 2, 2014

Ummm, okay. The guy isn’t even a Stern fan. $500 says he couldn’t name five members of the Wack Pack with a gun to his head. And I guarantee he has no clue that it was Violet who dehumanized “Elegant” Elliot Offen.

And while the above references are anecdotal in nature, what’s even more revealing is the constant barrage of Tweets, emails and Facebook messages I get from my readers alerting me to Valenti doing his best Carlos Mencia imitation to my George Lopez.

Not a week goes by where I am not advised by my “fans” that Valenti is jacking my beats on his radio program. I am told that some takes are almost verbatim regurgitations of my columns.

Listen, my main issue isn’t the fact that Valenti bites my shit or that he seems to latch on to my hobbies or that he went and married a girl named Melissa after I married a girl named Melissa.

There are some differences though; my Melissa doesn’t emasculate our dog ….

No. Here is my problem. If you want to be Jeff Moss, go all the way and be JEFF MOSS, Mike. As Jimmy Darmody famously told Nucky Thompson, “You can’t be half a gangster.”

Here is a perfect example of what I am talking about and it occurred just yesterday afternoon.

DD thinks Ausmus did a fine job

@riger1984 there is no point in even having the presser.

— Mike Valenti (@MikeValenti971) October 14, 2014

— Mike Valenti (@MikeValenti971) October 14, 2014

— Mike Valenti (@MikeValenti971) October 14, 2014

OK. Last time I checked, Mike Valenti HOSTED a program on the Tigers’ flagship radio station. He is the scorched-by-a-flaming-steak face of 97.1, for Christ’s sake. WHY THE FUCK WASN’T HE DOWN THERE AT COMERICA PARK ASKING QUESTIONS OF DOMBROWSKI IF HE KNEW THE PRESSER WOULD TURN INTO A FARCE??!?!?!?!?!?!?

Valenti knows how to ask a follow-up question. He has a pretty good bullshit detector. He is one of the few people in this town with the name recognition to attend that presser and grill Dombrowski when the team president gives bullshit answers like the one regarding the Fister trade..

I am a fucking INSURANCE APPRAISER and I took the time to drive down to the ballpark on the 2% chance that I would be able to skirt by security and ask the questions that NEEDED to be asked.

What is YOUR excuse, Valenti? That you had to be at the studio for your show? Well, last time I checked, the Arbitron ratings state that you are #1 in afternoon drive with a 9.0 rating. Are you telling me you couldn’t have gone to Jimmy Powers and said, “Look, I am going down to that press conference, we are going to carry the audio live and I will call in on the way back to the studio to discuss what went down”?

And if you don’t have the juice to make that call then I don’t know what to tell ya, pal.

But what I don’t want to hear you do is complain about situations that you could directly impact with your presence.

You know, we here at the DSR have reconsidered, Mike. We have gone over your job application from 2003 and want to offer you a weekly guest writing position at the DirtSpirtRig.

I am going to take you on as my pet project and mold you into my own image. Just think of Neil LaBute’s play, “The Shape of Things,” and imagine me as your own personal Rachel Weisz.

JiffMyst 301 class starts this week and, in no time at all, you will be making fun of Scott Anderson’s virginity during crosstalk.

You want to be me? Do it when it counts.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 15, 2014

Well, I didn’t think I could milk anything more out of getting barred from the Dave Dombrowski press conference, but thanks to the Tigers — most likely Kate Ready — we have some more content for you!!!!

And if you aren’t familiar with my shenanigans from yesterday at Comerica Park, you need to read this first.

It would seem Ready, the Tigers’ director of media relations, tattled on me to the Detroit Jewish News. Like I was being serious when I told her that I represented that newspaper. I mean, I told her I was Jeff Moss. It’s not like I said I was Mordechai Goldbergruthstein and was hiding my identity.

Anyway, I was contacted by the managing editor of the J-News this afternoon and ordered to cease and desist from impersonating a Zionist journalist …….

And if you think I am joking about my Grandma Betty’s subscription ….. she reads the thing cover-to-cover like it’s the god-damned Torah. I will get cut out of the will if my behavior impacts the delivery of her paper.

Oh, and this isn’t over yet. Just wait until I show up for a Stan Van Gundy presser wearing a yarmulke and my Bar Mitzvah tallis while playing the shofar.

Tik–EEEEEEE-ahn–NEW!!!!!!!!

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 15, 2014

One of the main problems I’ve had since this site debuted in March of 2003 is that I’ve hesitated to post articles that I didn’t think were funny or clever or absolutely brilliant. But sometimes you just have to place someone’s absolute idiocy on the record for posterity. This is one of those times.

Just the other day, the Tigers beat writer for the Detroit News, Tom Gage, wrote one of the most mind-numbing, [mentally challenged], horrific opinion pieces that I have ever read.

The premise of the column was what Tom would do this offseason if he were the General Manager of the Tigers. What we learned is Gage would be the managerial Frankenstein of five-tool imbeciles Russ Thomas, Matt Millen, Randy Smith and Jimmy Skinner.

Gage’s idea for 2015 is basically this: Reunite most of the current team, increase the payroll to around $200 million and don’t even bother fixing any of the team’s Achilles’ Heels.

It would appear from this third-trimester abortion of an article that Gage’s only concern next season is to bring back all of the media friendly members of a franchise that was swept by a team that was itself unceremoniously broomed out of the playoffs by the KANSAS CITY ROYALS.

But enough with my perfunctory opening remarks, let’s just get to the slaughter of this inane hoarder of Marriot points and frequent flyer miles ….

Well, that’s a good start!!! Of course, an amoeba would know it is imperative to bring back a dude coming off a .974 OPS season. I only mention this suggestion because it impacts one of this moron’s other points later in the article.

First off all, Scherzer isn’t coming back. Why are you even wasting your breath? Secondly, if the Tigers did follow Gage’s first two suggestions, the team’s payroll would be approximately $107 million for two starters, a first baseman and a DH. With 21 other slots to fill. I must have missed the press release stating that Magic Johnson and Peter Guber bought the team from Mike Ilitch.

Also, that $107 million for FOUR GUYS? That is $17 million MORE than the ENTIRE 2014 Royals budget.

Will someone get this relic an abacus?

Let’s proceed ….

What?!?!?!?! Under your OWN scenario, you already have signed your DH and you are going to bring back a FORTY-YEAR-OLD cripple to play in the OUTFIELD?!?!?

I mean, this guy is a beat writer who follows the team around the country and had a front-row seat to watch Hunter’s butchery of right field in 2014 and he thinks it would be a good idea to give him THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS this upcoming season?

Torii Hunter’s AGENT wouldn’t have the chutzpah (I told you I write for the Detroit Jewish News) to ask for such a mashugana contract.

Fuck defensive metrics — which told us that Hunter was the WORST defensive outfielder in ALL of baseball by any measure — just watch the guy PLAY!!!!! If he isn’t going to gently transition into a gig as a Bristol studio host on Baseball Tonight, he has to DH and ya already got V-Mart!!!!!

A LUXURY to bring back Joakim Soria?!?!?!? A luxury!!!!!! Are you familiar with this team’s bullpen THIS CENTURY!?!!?!?!? A luxury. The primary focus of this offseason HAS to be fixing the bullpen once and for all and Gage thinks giving $7 million to a reliever who struck out 9.74 batters per nine; only walked 1.22 per nine; and had a FIP of 2.09 is a LUXURY.

Yeah, and so is electricity and running water, you fucking dolt.

You wouldn’t think that this position piece could get any worse, but buckle up, folks!!!!

Yeah. Let’s bring back a situational lefty who can’t get lefties out on a consistent basis. And while we are at it, let’s give him a RAISE!!!!! I mean, who among us out there isn’t thinking that the solution to the Tigers’ bullpen woes is to get rid of Soria and keep PHIL COKE?!??!?!?

At this point, I remind you that this fuckface draws a check for writing about the DETROIT TIGERS. Can you imagine?

Huh???? He is under team control until 2018; why not see what Martinez does in 2015, when there will be actual expectations for the guy? Of course, in comparison to the rest of this dummy’s suggestions, this is the equivalent of Jhonny Peralta for Giovanni Soto.

Please contract Ebola and make sure it is contained to the Detroit baseball media on a day when Tony Paul is working the desk at the News. Do I even need to address the suggestion that this team — with its GLARING bench issues — should not only keep Don Kelly, but also give him a RAISE?

I’d love to see Tom Gage as the White House correspondent for the Washington Post. Yeah, I know the Director of the Secret Service almost got President Obama killed a few times, but let’s give Julia Pierson a 20% salary bump!!!

Alright, this must be a joke. Come on, Allen Funt, time to get out from behind the webcam on my laptop. Not only would you have to give up prospects to get A-Jax back, he would probably command about seven or eight million dollars through arbitration!!!!

And did I mention that Jackson’s defense is overrated and that his post-All-Star break OPS was a paltry .615? Kim Basinger getting back with Alec Baldwin makes more fucking sense.

So not only is this fool a HORRIBLE beat writer and a terrible armchair GM, he would also make the worst CPA this side of Rihanna’s accountant.

The thing that really stands out about this article is the ONLY player that is not currently on the Tigers who Gage suggests bringing in is Austin Jackson. Does he know that there are other players and teams in baseball? No mention of Colby Rasmus, Andrew Miller, Brandon McCarthy, Norichika Aoki, Luke Gregerson ….. I COULD GO ON!!!!!

Nope. Bring back DON KELLY AND PHIL COKE. That’s the solution. Well, the Final Solution, maybe.

So we’ve come to the end of Gage’s 2015 master plan and he NEVER addresses either the bench or the bullpen. That would be like Scott “The Gator” Anderson going to a physician and said doctor NEVER mentioning either weight loss or correcting Orca’s crooked eye but instead providing a prescription for more 69 jokes and guitar lessons.

It would be hard to believe that anything could stop this article from receiving the year-end “DSR Raggie” for worst column, but I am not even sure that we won’t see a “worthier” contribution THIS WEEK.

This.

Town.

By Jeff Moss
October 16, 2014
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com

At around 2am this morning, the Detroit Tigers changed their Facebook photo to the following ……

Yes, just hours after their payroll-disadvantaged division rival clinched a berth in the World Series — sweeping a team in four games that broomed the Tigers in three — someone in the team’s social media department thought it would be a capital idea to trumpet the fact that the Tigers have won the AL Central four years in a row.

Uh, TONE DEAF MUCH?!??!?!??!?!?!

Yeah, let’s highlight the fact that we have NEVER gotten it done while our red-headed stepchild cohort in the AL Central is on the verge of fucking the high school prom queen with whom we could never get past second base.

And did I mention that the Tigers drive around campus in a Porsche 911 while the Royals trudge around in a Chevy Nova?

The only thing worse than some inept moron changing the Tigers Facebook photo to this atrocity is the nearly 4,000 people who’ve either “Liked” or “Shared” this fucking hot garbage already!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??!??!?!?

(Update: The imbecile in question is some shitbag named Mac Slavin. He runs the Tigers’ social media accounts. NICE NAME. You can contact him @MacSlavin on Twitter.)

I just checked the Anti-Defamation League’s Facebook page, and guess what? Their cover photo isn’t a picture of Krakow.

Oh, and the purple border that surrounds this embarrassment? I guess that is some anti-bullying campaign.

Well, I blew right by that fucking stop sign.

Please die.

Update: Let’s look at an example of how the VAST majority of MLB teams are honoring “Spirit Day” as part of the league-wide effort:

At the conclusion of the 2014 World Series, it is possible that the San Francisco Giants will have won 3 of the last 5 world titles. There isn’t any reference to past CHAMPIONSHIPS within the above image. In fact, the only MLB teams to reference any past or current glories in profile pictures on Facebook today are the Kansas City Royals – commemorating their 2014 AL Pennant — and the Detroit Tigers. What a disgrace.

(Michael “HeathBlizzGuy” Bochenek, Jeremiah “FanBoy” Fick and Adam “Racist Cop” Fuhrman contributed to this blog post.)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 16, 2014

We now have 13 months of data to analyze and nothing has changed regarding the ratings at Detroit’s struggling number two (literally and figuratively) sports radio station.

Detroit Sports 105.1 continues to get trounced by 97.1 in the one-sided ratings battle; this is not surprising considering WXYT-FM has always performed much better during the Tigers’ season and especially in September during a pennant race.

Here is a chart demonstrating 97.1′s dominance and 105.1′s horrible performance. Keep in mind, this chart includes all listeners ages six and up.

As you can see, 97.1 is #1 in the market with a 7.4. Meanwhile, 105.1 posted a humiliating .9 and their numbers have been stagnant since June. 105.1 continues to be the second-worst FM performer, besting only the ratings for Wayne State’s signal.

I have heard some spin emanating out of the Greater Media compound in Ferndale stating that the key demographic numbers are better than the 6+ figures.

Ummm, they’re not.

I have the September breakdown for the 25-54 (Male and Female) demographic and those numbers are just as ugly for the upstart station.

Morning Drive

Stoney, Bill and Sara 7.6
Mike and Mike 1.4

Middays

Karsch and Anderson 9.0
Ermanni, Beard and Dery 1.4

Afternoon Drive

Valenti and Foster 9.0
Drew and Marc 2.6

Okay. That is just flat-out embarrassing. Obviously, the 97.1 numbers are somewhat inflated by afternoon Tigers games in September, but just focus on how TERRIBLY 105.1 is performing.

I mean, it’s been 13 months and there has been ZERO improvement whatsoever. And we aren’t talking about an unknown commodity. The station was BUILT AROUND Drew Lane because of his ratings dominance over the last couple of decades. It’s become quite obvious that ….

A) A majority of his audience didn’t follow him over from WRIF.

B) Sports fans don’t want to hear his uninformed opinions or his Michael Jackson conversations.

Let’s just put this in context for a moment. Detroit Sports 105.1 is performing worse on the FM DIAL than AM-1270 was during the early part of this century when they were WDFN’s bitch.

That is incredible.

What’s more amazing is the management at Greater Media haven’t done anything to change this obvious trend. It is just business-as-usual over there with over-his-head and out-of-place program director, Jason Dixon, steering the ship into an iceberg.

After 13 months, this is what we know …

1) Nobody wants to listen to a nationally-syndicated sports show in the morning.

2) People aren’t going to tune into a program hosted by Ryan Ermanni; they didn’t when he was at WDFN.

3) Matt Dery’s phony persona as some diehard fan of Detroit teams isn’t going over with the audience.

4) Drew Lane’s career is over. A 2.6?? This is why Greater Media flipped from Adult Contemporary to Sports? For a 2.6 in a target demo? If you aren’t familiar with these type of numbers, I cannot stress how EMBARRASSING that is. Imagine if the “The Walking Dead” is still on the air in 15 years and it is getting beat in the ratings by “Antiques Roadshow.”

That’s all I got. We will revisit these numbers next month when 97.1 won’t have the Tigers crutch.

If recent history is any guide, 97.1 will drop off dramatically and 105.1 will see no discernible gain.

How much longer can Dixon keep this gig?

UPDATE: How bad are things at 105.1? THIS BAD …..

@JeffMossDSR My 5,000 watt AM in Pitt has better ratings. It's just historically bad.

— Gregg Henson (@GreggHenson) October 16, 2014

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 20, 2014

The following is from the same fucking moron who wanted an apology out of Cam Newtown because the Carolina QB jokingly called Ndadamkong Suh, “Donkey Kong” Suh.

Because, ya know, Ndamakong and Donkey Kong SOUND similar.

@MikeValenti971 was a year off from da 11-5 express. This year is different. Lions have a bad offense, good defense and a black coach. bam

— Terry Foster (@TerryFoster971) October 20, 2014

Like, could you imagine this imbecile’s reaction if someone Tweeted that part of the reason for a team’s success is they got rid of a black coach and replaced him with a caucasian?

What a hypocritical pile of horse shit.

Of course, I am not demanding an apology from Terry Foster for his idiotic insinuation/joke. That’s because I am not a race-baiting jackass.

(h/t JSchroeder83)

By Justin Spiro
Spirojus@gmail.com
October 21, 2014

Before a recent nasty public breakup, I was good friends with DSR Legend Choco Shake Blizzard Man With Sprinkles (@giantshakeman). During a wonderful date together at Lafayette Coney Island in Detroit, I snapped this photo of the sweaty faced (Petro TM) Ryan Ermanni, which adorned the walls of the famous coney joint.

For those with crappy eyesight, the text reads:

“Thanks Lafayette! The only place to get a coney dog in the world!”

Blizzard Man and I got a chuckle out of the fact RYAN ERMANNI had somehow earned a spot on the wall of the famous Lafayette’s. The (allegedly) racist, homophobic Ermanni shared wall space with actual celebrities like Chris Chelios, Miguel Cabrera, and the Orange Hat Guy from Joe Louis Arena.

Blizz Dude thought the inclusion of Ermanni on this wall was offensive to the others who had been given this great honor. I agreed wholly with his point. The triumph of induction into the Lafayette Wall of Fame was diminished by Ermanni’s presence. We finished our coney dogs and left the establishment with disgust, our day ruined by Ryan Ermanni’s face.

I thought I had left that traumatic experience behind me. Unfortunately, Ryan Ermanni and his face can always be counted on to make things worse. I present to you the following photo of Ermanni.

I have just presented to you PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of Ryan Ermanni at American Coney Island in “The D Las Vegas”.

What a snake. The guy wrote on his Wall of Fame plaque that Lafayette was the “only place to get a coney dog in the world”. And he goes and does this?

Not only is Ermanni clearly betraying Lafayette Coney Island by eating a coney dog elsewhere, he is also DEMANDING a spot on the wall of their biggest rival. It’s only a matter of time before Ryan Ermanni’s face gets to Kerby’s and Leo’s too. Pretty soon, no one will be able to eat a coney dog without Ryan Ermanni’s face looking on.

At least we still have Olga’s.

By Justin Spiro
spirojus@gmail.com
October 28, 2014

Out of the loop on Detroit sports? The DSR has you covered! Here is the latest edition of, “This Week’s Detroit Sports Radio Topics”!!! These are real sports topics discussed by the city’s finest sports radio hosts the past week:

“Do people make too much over not being black enough?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“From what local restaurant would you want your last meal?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“Is it okay that a kid hunted and killed a rare albino deer?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“When were you a victim of a sore loser?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“Whose voice makes your head tingle?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“The Van Morrison concert… was it a disappointment?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“Did you seal the deal on your wedding night?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“Should parents be accountable for what their kids put on Facebook?” (Stoney & Bill, 97.1)

“Do you like the English? What are the best foods to come out of England?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“Are there really more women at the gym than men?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“Who are the most annoying people in the world?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“You can only have three things on your burger, including condiments. What are they?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“What is the worst luck you have ever had?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“Have you ever butt dialed 911?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“What did you think of the Pearl Jam concert?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“What is the coolest movie of this century?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“Do you watch The Walking Dead?” (Benedict & The Whale, 97.1)

“What is the earliest you have woken up to drink?” (Jamie & Wojo, 97.1)

“Have you ever been carjacked?” (Jamie & Wojo, 97.1)

“Who are the most underrated rappers?” (Caputo & Fithian, 97.1)

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Is there anyone on earth LESS equipped to handle an “underrated rapper” discussion than Pat Caputo and Dennis Fithian???)

“Monica Lewinsky is back in the news… what does it mean?” (Drew & Marc, 105.1)

“Do the citizens of Pittsburgh have the worst accent in America?” (Drew & Marc, 105.1)

“Comedian Steve Wright discusses his upcoming gig in Michigan!” (Drew & Marc, 105.1)

“Our latest update of the Bashara murder trial!” (Drew & Marc, 105.1)

“Are you nervous about Ebola? What hygiene methods do you practice to avoid infectious disease?” (Drew & Marc, 105.1)

“Have you ever picked up a hot chick while riding the subway? What was your pickup line?” (Drew & Marc, 105.1)

“Do you like cinnamon donuts?” (Matt Dery, 105.1)

These were just a few of the hottest Detroit sports radio topics from the past week! We are grateful for the hardworking broadcasting talent in town, who engage their audience with thoughtful sports discussions each and every day.

(Did we miss any riveting Detroit sports radio topics from the past week? Let us know! spirojus@gmail.com)

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 29, 2014

There is not a dumber fan base in all of sports than the masochistic losers who support the Detroit Lions; these people have been shit on for 56 years like they’re the star of a German scat video, yet they keep coming back for more.

It’s hard enough to talk sense into these in-denial lunatics when the team is awful (virtually ALWAYS), so you can imagine that trying to give them some tough love when their beloved franchise is 6-2 and in the discussion for home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs at the halfway point of the season is a Herculean task.

Now, I am sure this article is going to be poo-pooed in some circles as just another example of Poor Jiff Myst hating every Detroit coach to ever live. And, to a certain extent, that is true. Until professional sports organizations start hiring brilliant mathematicians to run their billion-dollar teams instead of dumb ex-jocks, I will continue to have these same complaints.

My disgust with coaches and managers over the lifespan of the DSR — from Jim Leyland to Dave Lewis to Rick Carlisle — has been so lampooned that I have almost become a parody of myself, causing some to suggest that there is some sort of deep, dark psychological reason why I hate managers.

I am sorry to disappoint some of you, but I was neither fingerbanged in the bunghole by my Little League Baseball manager nor did my floor hockey coach make me service his …. ummm … Koho when I was a teenager.

There isn’t going to be any “Team America”-like confession in this space where I admit to being sodomized by the Rumpus Cat, Macavity, Rumpleteazer and Mr. Mistoffelees of Pop Warner football.

I am baffled that in 2014, professional sports organizations still turn over BILLION-DOLLAR entities to dudes who would be working the mail room for any other Fortune 500 company. I mean, think about it. Why did the media make SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL over Brad Ausmus attending Dartmouth? Because subconsciously, even THEY know that these sports teams are being run by imbeciles.

All of this leads us to what occurred Sunday in London. Now, we all knew when Jim Caldwell was hired as the Lions head coach that he had exhibited a severe deficit in the area of game management while he was the head man in Indy. Ya know, the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A HEAD COACH’S JOB.

This issue alone was why I was irate at the hire, eventually leading to this ….

Caldwell’s stupidity when it came to crucial game-management decisions was never more amplified than it was in this bit of lunacy during a Colts/Jets playoff game that left Peyton Manning SHAKING HIS FUCKING HEAD.

And to make matters worse, Caldwell to THIS DAY still hasn’t admitted that what he did that on January day in Indianapolis was logically unsound. If anything, he doubled-down on that mistake in the Lions’ “victory” over the Falcons a few days ago.

I am not going to give you my own recitation of the events from the last two minutes of Sunday’s game because Bill Barnwell already summed it up perfectly on Grantland.com. What I will do is comment on Barnwell’s assessment and then let Caldwell hang himself with his own sub-75-IQ defense.

Of all of Caldwell’s INSANE play-calls in the final 90 seconds-plus, this might have been be the most telling and disturbing. The Lions have been HISTORICALLY AWFUL this season at kicking field goals. Before Matt Prater received a second chance to win Sunday’s game, the Lions were 8-for-18 on FG attempts this year.

8.

For.

18.

That might be good for a Major League baseball hitter or for getting responses to Match.com messages based on your profile pic, but it is HORRID for a special-teams unit in the NFL.

And to make matters worse, the Lions were 0-for-7(!!!!!) at that range in 2014, yet Caldwell was comfortable with this attempt deciding his team’s fate. Yes, his team hadn’t made a field goal from between 40 and 49 yards ALL SEASON — and it was the closing moments of WEEK EIGHT — and this comatose dipshit figured Prater was lock city from this spot on a SOCCER FIELD which wasn’t even conducive to kicking field goals!!!!!

So what was Caldwell thinking when he instructed Matt Stafford to stop trying to gain yards in an effort to make the FG attempt easier? I am glad you asked ….

This functional idiot was more worried about an interception; a pass-interference penalty; Devin Hester returning a subsequent kickoff for a touchdown; or the Queen of England using her monarchical powers to knight Arthur Blank and give the Falcons the win by proxy than the fact that his team had not made a 40-to-49-yard field goal ALL SEASON LONG!!!!

Before I have an aneurysm, let’s read more from Barnwell ….

“In just about every appreciable way, this move decreases Detroit’s chances of winning.” What an indictment of this moron. Yet this wasn’t even the dumbest decision Caldwell made in the final 34 seconds of the game!!!!

Because …..

So not only was Caldwell going to ask his team to do something they hadn’t done all year long (make a FG from between 40 and 49 yards) on a field groomed for a different sport, but they were going to have to do so in a PANIC!!!! This plan was more ill-conceived than the caper Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke cooked up in “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead.”

And here is the worst part. We know what occurred. Atlanta — amazingly enough — was flagged for a DEFENSIVE holding penalty, making the field goal attempt five yards closer with no need for the Chinese Fire Drill.

And even after that FIVE-YARD GIFT from Paul Soliai, Prater still missed the CLOSER attempt!!! Except the unit that Caldwell wants us to believe would have had NO PROBLEM rushing onto the field to attempt a 48-yard field goal couldn’t even manage to get their shit straight when the CLOCK WASN’T TICKING!!!!

The Lions were called for a DELAY OF THE FUCKING GAME penalty when they had enough time for tea, crumpets and a viewing of a god-damn Guy Ritchie movie!!!!!

So after every lucky break known to mankind went the Lions’ way and they won that crucial game heading into their bye week, all Caldwell had to do was say he fucked up. And that the next time something like this occurred, he’d want the offense to get closer so the winning field goal attempt would be a chipshot. And that it probably was a really bad idea to rely on a “bonzai field goal attempt” when the unit already has ENOUGH issues. And, most importantly, that being concerned about giving Atlanta five or ten seconds to respond to the Lions taking the lead is the equivalent of being more concerned that Ebola would give you a tummy ache rather than it FUCKING KILLING YOU.

But Caldwell did none of that. Just like when he left Manning shaking his head against the Jets, this dumbass DEFENDED every asinine call he made.

And now I have to deal with Lions fans telling me that I am crazy for getting riled up about this because the team is 6-2??!?!?!? This guy is still the coach of the team and he is going to have plenty more chances to screw us with his “Black Ned Yost” persona; I am supposed to be okay with this??

This man’s thought process is beyond fucked; he just told us he would do that same batshit crazy stuff again. But the team is in first place in the NFC North, they aren’t taking dumb penalties and they have supposedly assumed their head coach’s Sunny von Bülow-esque personality, so I am being instructed to rejoice in that.

Look, if the only job of an NFL head coach were to keep his players on an even keel than Martin Mayhew should have just hired Kevin Spacey’s character from “The Negotiator” to run this organization. But it’s not. There is A LOT more that goes into the position and Caldwell is ill-prepared to handle any of those other crucial responsibilities.

And can we please stop with this barrage of “the players aren’t getting arrested,” “they aren’t taking stupid penalties” and “they aren’t shooting themselves in the foot”?

That awful narrative reminds me of Chris Rock’s bit about certain people wanting to get credit for taking care of their kids. You’re SUPPOSED to take care of your children and you are SUPPOSED to have a disciplined team.

Just because the previous coach was epically inept at performing this basic function doesn’t mean we should throw a parade for Caldwell, especially when two of the knuckleheads (Ndamakong Suh and Nick Fairley) are most likely only on their best behavior because they are playing for their next contract.

Which leads me to my final point: the Lions have been SOOOO bad for SOOOOOOOO long that their fans have pathetic expectations for them. I have heard from people whom I actually respect that I should just be happy the team isn’t completely dysfunctional any longer and not worry about Caldwell’s huge flaws.

Why the fuck shouldn’t I? I am 42 years old and this franchise has won ONE PLAYOFF GAME in my lifetime.

I’m sorry, but I want a head coach who can keep his players stable and out of jail AND who also has a command of when to call timeouts; when to kick field goals; and when to keep driving down the field to ensure the best chance at victory.

Only in Detroit would I be told that I should be satisfied with Jim Caldwell and his [slow-adult] level of thinking.

I don’t care if this team wins the NFC North. I don’t care if they double their playoff victory total over the last 56 years this winter. I don’t care if they make the NFC Championship game.

ALL I CARE ABOUT is the Detroit Lions FINALLY winning a Super Bowl. That’s it. These aren’t the mid-80s Detroit Pistons where gradual progress like getting by the Celtics would be considered a success.

There is a very good chance that the Lions’ two best defensive linemen will be playing elsewhere next year, so either win the Super Bowl this season or shut the fuck up.

And if you honestly think Jim Caldwell is the man to take us to the promised land, well …… the next thing you are going to tell me is that the Kansas City Royals could win a World Series tonight.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 3, 2014

If you scoured the entire state of Michigan you would not find someone  who would be less likely to write an article defending the beat writers of the Detroit Tigers than me.

In fact, by the end of this article, you probably will be shaking your head wondering if this is a defense of that group at all or just another chance to take a shot at Lynn Henning, Matthew B. [Aggressive] Mowery, Tom Gage, the retiring John Lowe and his trusty sidekick … Mr. Hat.

But not unlike a bunch of Jewish attorneys at the A.C.L.U. defending the rights of Neo-Nazis or Klansmen, I am here today to right a wrong even if I have to do it with a clothespin pinching my nose.

A few days after the Tigers were embarrassingly eliminated from the postseason at the hands of the Baltimore Orioles — mainly because their imbecile manager stinks — a curious article appeared in the Detroit News.

In the immediate aftermath of the Tigers severely disappointing season you might have expected the paper’s beat writer (Gage) to critique either Dave Dombrowski’s faulty construction of the roster or Brad Ausmus’ asinine decision to pull Anibal Sanchez from Game 2.

Instead, the longtime scribe penned an odd and cryptic piece about the behavior of Miguel Cabrera this past season in relation to the media.

Here is fairly large excerpt from what I described at the time as Gage’s whining about a player not being nice to him and his fellow eunuchs in the press ….

Cabrera, though, is an enigma — so vital to the Tigers, so playful on the field, so cooperative with the fans before a game, and yet in some ways becoming distant, waving away not just those who might annoy him with a question he doesn’t want to answer.

But anyone with any question.

Not that Cabrera has ever been counted on for much of a reply. Being a star on a perennial contender, however, he appeared to know — as do most of those with whom he’s experienced peaks and valleys as Tigers — his account of events carried weight.

It still would have this season. He simply chose, far more often than not, to remain silent.

Cabrera’s altered accessibility was noticed as early as spring training.

In reply to a question posed respectfully of him in Lakeland, Florida, Cabrera got angry, said “bleep, I have to (go to the restroom)” and walked away in a huff.

There were other moments equally unfortunate, to the point that Cabrera’s unfriendliness became common.

That’s all right to this extent: I’ve never been one to complain about a player not talking. It’s entirely their right. This is not a whining-media response.

When the same, tame question that angered Cabrera was asked of his fellow Venezuelan Anibal Sanchez — the question was about Venezuela — he declined as well.

But with class.

My immediate reaction to this was to attack Gage for wasting time with this Miggy crap when there were about 100 more pressing issues to discuss regarding this baseball team’s collapse.

This is the issue that dumbfuck Tom Gage chooses to focus on. NOBODY CARES, YOU OLD, WORTHLESS PILE OF TRASH: http://t.co/XYmUEgpYqX

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) October 10, 2014

I was all set to write an article attacking Gage for this nonsense but then stopped and decided to do a little more research into the matter. I have spent the last three weeks attempting to get to the bottom of what would possess Gage to basically call Cabrera “classless” in the pages of a major daily.

I found that there were times this season when Cabrera wasn’t just surly or disrespectful to the members of the media in the clubhouse who were attempting to do their job — he was completely inappropriate and unprofessional toward them

There were instances when Cabrera would respond to a query by giving the universally-recognized pantomime for giving oral sex. On at least one other occasion, Cabrera approached a reporter from behind and gyrated his exposed penis toward them.

From what I have been able to gather, the relationship between Miggy and the everyday Tigers media was extremely toxic from Spring Training until the team’s October elimination.

Look, I don’t give a damn if an athlete doesn’t want to talk to the media. Hell, I wouldn’t want to stand there half-naked answering dumb questions from Jason Beck, Jeff Riger or Dana Wakiji either. Especially if English were my second language.

99% of the time we get nothing of consequence from athletes; the other 1% is comprised of saying stupid crap like not wanting a gay teammate or denying the Big Bang Theory.

All Cabrera would have had to do is tell someone in media relations that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to reporters this season and that hack (Kate Ready) would have told the press to not even bother going up to him. But playing blowjob charades and wiggling his cock in the direction of reporters is beyond the pale.

If those gyrations had been aimed at either Lindsey Hayes or Jennifer Hammond instead of a male reporter the Tigers might have had a major shitstorm on their hands.

I am sure there are plenty of people reading this who aren’t going to even give a flying fuck about these shenanigans either. If Miggy keeps putting up OPS’s north of 900 and winning Player of the Month awards when he is suffering from an ankle fracture let the back-to-back MVP do whatever he wants.

But this most recent disturbing Miguel Cabrera story isn’t exactly an isolated incident.

We are talking about a man who has a rap sheet that includes:

• Bullying a kid in the Townsend Hotel in Birmingham for being fat. The incident allegedly included Cabrera telling the people at the kid’s table that he had a gun and allegedly ended with Cabrera being asked to stay away from the ritzy hotel.
• Getting ossified drunk at that same hotel a few months later and supposedly partying with the Chicago White Sox during the final weekend of a pennant race in 2009.
• Allegedly scratching his wife’s face in a domestic incident the same night of the alleged White Sox partying, leading a sobbing Roseangel Cabrera to call the cops.
• An incident in a Florida restaurant where he again mentioned having a gun on his person and then threatened to blow up the establishment. Of course, this behavior was also in the midst of a DUI arrest.

These incidents are troubling not only for Miguel Cabrera but for the Detroit Tigers organization — which gave him an eight-year, $248 million extension earlier this year, the largest in baseball history.

Fuck, for $31 million a season, I’d be more than happy to address all of the inquiries that come out from demented mind of Lynn Henning.

All of this begs another question though. Why are you reading about the more incendiary charges against Cabrera on the DetroitSportsRag.com and not on the Freep, News, MLive, The Oakland Press or Tigers.com?

[I will wait for you to stop laughing at the mere suggestion of that last "news" source. Done yet? Can we go on?]

This speaks to the more systemic problem of getting AWFUL print coverage of the Tigers in this town. Gage didn’t mention the penis antics and the oral sex sign language (you know, the real MEAT of the story) because he will have to share “office space” with these players and management again next year.

These so-called journalists are a bunch of devout cowards who don’t want to rock the boat too much because [Trout] forbid they come face-to-face with someone they had ripped.

Have you ever noticed that the only time anyone in this town calls for someone’s head is AFTER the firing has been announced? It occurred when Jim Schwartz was canned and the same thing is happening now that David Brandon has been dismissed ummmm … resigned at Michigan.

These cockroaches can’t come running out from underneath the refrigerator fast enough once the person they NEVER HAVE TO SEE AGAIN is gone.  Only at THAT point do they throw dirt on the casket.

All that these career box score summarizers care about is accruing frequent flier miles and racking up Marriott points while making as few waves as possible. They aren’t JOURNALISTS. Real reporters risk a beheading in Syria or refuse to testify and risk jail time like James Risen.

They don’t get plaudits from their SUBJECTS when they retire — like the ones John Lowe received from Jim Leyland when that relic FINALLY called it quits last month.

“He’s a great guy. I’ll never forget him. He’s kind of got a signature with his hat. And he’s a great human being.”

I DON’T CARE IF THE PEOPLE WHOM I COVER ON THIS WEBSITE LIKE OR RESPECT ME!!!!! A reporter is supposed to have an ADVERSARIAL relationship with his or her subject, something which is COMPLETELY lost on most of the sports writers in this awful town.

Do you think Matt Taibbi desires a nice blurb from the executives of Goldman Sachs when he calls it quits? Do you believe Glenn Greenwald gives a flying fuck what the NSA thinks of him?

No, because they are actual journalists who respect their craft and not total losers, like Chris Iott, who bitch and moan when their dinner is delayed because of an unscheduled conference call presser.

So, no, you weren’t going to get a column calling for Brad Ausmus’ job from any of these schmucks when Joe Maddon became available — even though that would have been an absolute no-brainer.

Because they will have to interact with Ausmus next season; wouldn’t that be uncomfortable?

Hell, not one of them even wrote about this Cabrera stuff — which directly impacts their OWN VOCATION — so do you really think you are going to get anything BITING about Dombrowski’s front-office moves?!?!!?!!?

More and more, you are going to have to rely on sites like MGoBlog — who, at the very least, expedited Brandon’s exit with their recent email expose — and this one for any real criticism of our professional sports teams.

In the meantime, hopefully Miguel Cabrera can get some more help. And I am not talking about the kind for bone spurs and ankle fractures.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 3, 2014

I received an interesting Tweet this morning regarding my article detailing specifically why Detroit News beat writer Tom Gage essentially called Tigers’ slugger Miguel Cabrera classless in an opinion piece last month.

@JeffMossDSR Did this stuff happen in the clubhouse when Leyland was mgr? Or would he not allow it? Is Ausmus too weak to shut it down?
— Mike Gill (@southcambridge) November 3, 2014

This is an intriguing question to which I really don’t have a definitive answer. Maybe Mike should email Lynn Henning, Jason Beck, Chris Iott, Matthew B. [Aggressive] Mowery or John Lowe and ask that same question.

Based on what I have been told, the sexually suggestive escapades were something new this season which is what led Gage to pen that piece — even though he left the most compelling piece of evidence out of his article.

And I am not sure if Brad Ausmus is the most qualified person to deal with this sort of harassment anyway.

The following is an old article from the GREAT former Detroit News investigative reporter, Fred Girard, regarding the complaints of a former flight attendant who used to work on the Tigers’ team plane back when Ausmus was PLAYING for the organization.

A lawsuit was filed against the Tigers back in the early part of this century regarding alleged inappropriate behavior by several players; the allegations included smoking pot on the plane; sexual innuendo aimed at the female flight attendant; and verbal abuse.

While Jeff Weaver and Matt Anderson were the main culprits according to this lawsuit, you will see that Ausmus did not come out unscathed. The reference to the current Tigers’ manager is highlighted in orange.

“Another player, Brad Ausmus, also confronted Kesner, and allegedly called her vulgar names for reporting the incident.”

Of course, none of this was ever raised at Brad Ausmus’ introductory press conference because the “reporters” were too busy asking him what number he would wear in Detroit; Frodo Albom was asking the new guy if he had ever spent time in the Padres’ dugout in his previous job as Special Assistant to the General Manager.

So, I have no idea how Brad Ausmus responded to Miguel Cabrera wiggling his cock in the direction of a reporter.

Based on Ausmus’ past performance though, it’s most likely that he cursed out the reporter for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and then BLAMED THE VICTIM.

By Jeff Moss DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com November 3, 2014 I was a guest on 107.3 WBBL-FM in West Michigan this morning to discuss breaking the David Brandon dismissal story and other U of M athletic department related topics. You can listen here:

Click Here For Link To Interview

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 4, 2014

Because of some work duties and Breeders’ Cup preparation I have been a little behind on updating some DSR-related stories, so let’s play catch-up on a BIG story that broke last week ….

The Return of African-American Matt Prentice

In case you missed it, 97.1 host, Detroit News writer and five-tool imbecile Terry Foster announced last week that — INCREDIBLY — he is going back into the food service business on the East Side.

This will be third venture for Foster, after failing miserably with a candy store that went out of business at Lakeside Mall and the record-setting historic failure of Foster’s Smokehouse in Fraser.

It’s hard to understand why the hell Foster would go back into this sort of business AGAIN after two monumental failures, but of course this is a man who thinks “guerrilla” warfare is spelled “gorilla” warfare, so intelligence quotient is likely a contributing factor.

Anyway, this new joint isn’t going to include Foster’s name as it would appear that no one was clamoring to eat at an establishment with some two-bit nobody’s name on it.

Hilariously, it is going to be called Mariachi’s Cantina. Why is that funny? Well, when the DSR handed T-Fos the 2014 Detroit’s Worst Sports Media Personality trophy, we were accompanied by a mariachi singer performing “One Shining Moment” in Spanish.

So, this new place is going to be located at 23 Mile and 1-94 in Chesterfield Township. The location is so remote that I am pretty sure the area was once used as a base by the Rebel Alliance to hide from the Empire before moving to Hoth.

Even better, the building in which this new Mexican restaurant is housed was formerly an Outback Steakhouse. Yes, you read that correctly. An Outback couldn’t make it in this location. AN OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!! Have you ever heard of one of those places going under?

Now, Foster and his merry band of dolts who should be featured on “Kitchen Nightmares” are going to take over this spot? Ya gotta believe me. This would be like Joe and Brian Hackett of Sandpiper Air trying to save Pan American World Airlines after Pan Am went bankrupt.

Here are a few comments from Bizarro Bobby Flay on the new project ….

There is a lot more I want to tell you but it is best to not let the cat out of the bag all at once. The new restaurant will have more of a Tex-Mex feel and the thing I am most excited about is we are working with people that will come up with different drink concepts.

It will be appealing to women and people who’ve had a rough day at work and want to enjoy good food and a nice drink. We will have music and happy hours.

Yep, the main factor causing Foster’s Smokehouse to close in under six months was the lack of “Happy Hours.” It will be appealing to women and people? I mean …..

I had hesitations about the old location in Fraser but a friend of a friend owned the building and he just wanted somebody in there. So in we rolled. But one thing you cannot stop is life from happening.

There were bad hires and too many deaths in our families all at once and we lost focus. Now the focus is back because we have a concept we all agree on with a location and building we all agree on.

Wait, what? You had hesitations about the location? Bad hires? Deaths in the family? We were led to believe that Foster’s Smokehouse was a rousing success even though it didn’t last as long as a typical Kardashian marriage.

Just one of Foster’s many lies about the demise of the Smokehouse. I wonder if they cleaned up that tax lien problem before investing in a new restaurant.

The last time Foster opened up a restaurant, the DSR ran a contest asking our readers to guess how long it would remain in business. The winning answer was 124 days.

Because the dummy’s name isn’t actually on the marquee this time, the experience won’t be as much fun. Expect a similar contest if/when this joint opens, however. So stay tuned for the chance to win some Wings or Tigers tickets.

In the meantime, if you care to immerse yourself in our award-winning coverage of the Foster’s Smokehouse debacle, here is some light reading ……

2013 DSR Raggie — Worst Restaurant Venture 

The Foster’s Smokehouse Obituary 

Tax Lien Slapped on Foster’s Smokehouse 

Foster’s Smokehouse Police Report

Will Foster’s Smokehouse Soft Opening Ever End?

Foster’s Smokehouse TV Commercial

A Contractor Allegedly Assaulted at Foster’s Smokehouse

Foster’s Smokehouse Going out of Business Predictions

Terry Foster’s Smokehouse Hypocrisy 

Foster’s Smokehouse is Now Open!

Why Isn’t Foster’s Smokehouse Open Yet?

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@Gmail.com
November 5, 2014

Well, just when I thought the Doug Fister for Robbie Ray, Ian Krol and Steve Lombardozzi trade could not get any worse, I was proven wrong.

If it wasn’t bad enough that Dave Dombrowski dealt one of the Top 15 starting pitchers in all of baseball — and a dude who probably will finish in the Top 5 of NL Cy Young balloting — for three players who didn’t contribute in 2014 ….

If it wasn’t awful enough that even if the Tigers HAD to trade Fister (they didn’t), they COULD have received some depth and bullpen help in return since … ya know … they got eliminated from the postseason because they had NO BENCH and because their relief pitchers SUCKED …..

If it didn’t hurt enough already to watch Fister throw a gem during the playoffs while Ray and Krol were who-the-fuck-knows where while a pitcher DRAFTED SEVEN MONTHS after that abortion of a trade (Brandon Finnegan) participated in the Kansas City Royals World Series run …..

…the deal got even worse for any Tigers fans who believe in science and reason with this inane Tweet from Ray a couple of weeks ago:

The big bang? Yeah sure. God said it and bang it happened #Genesis

— Robbie Ray (@robbieray22) October 16, 2014

Was that a song from before or after Phil Collins left the band? I don’t recall those lyrics from “Invisible Touch.” Now, I don’t follow this Jesus freak on the Twat Box. I don’t follow many athletes at all because most of them have rocks for brains and rarely post anything worth reading. No, I caught wind of this idiocy because @FreepSports Re-Tweeted it into my timeline. So, me being the vicious asshole that I am … I Tweeted the following:

Could this trade getting ANY FUCKING WORSE? RT @robbieray22: The big bang? Yeah sure. God said it and bang it happened #Genesis — Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) October 16, 2014

That led to the garbage southpaw prospect responding as follows ….

@JeffMossDSR go spam someone else’s timeline no one asked you to follow me bud — Robbie Ray (@robbieray22) October 16, 2014

Ummm, I don’t follow you. And someone needs to explain to this evolution-denying asshat what SPAM is. 

@robbieray22 not only are you a shitty pitcher, you’re a real dumb fucking guy.

— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) October 16, 2014

I think it was that last blast that upset this religious wacko and caused him to report me to the Twitter Police; just a little while later, I received this email:

Garbage pitcher? Check.

Jesus Freak? Check.

Narc? Check.

This lunatic is to the right of the FUCKING POPE on the theory of evolution!!!!

I mean ….

I gotta know how this deal could get any more depressing.

Ian Krol joining the Hare Krishnas and handing out pamphlets at Metro Airport?

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 5, 2014

The October Portable People Meter Ratings are out and there is plenty of good news for WXYT-FM (97.1) and more bad news for WMGC (105.1) inside the numbers.

The one-sided Detroit “sports” talk radio battle can be summarized in the below chart, courtesy of Radio-Online.com.

As you can see, 97.1 is still Number 1 in the entire market which is pretty impressive since they rely heavily on Tigers broadcasts and, by my count there were [pathetically] only three of those during the month.

Of course, fans wishing to express their angst over the team’s latest postseason flop might have helped ratings; we will soon see if the normal winter trend of WXYT-FM losing 40% of its audience will continue.

In the meantime, Detroit Sports 105.1 continues to trudge near the bottom of all FM stations with a 1.2 rating. Once again, the only FM station that Matt Dery, Ryan Ermanni and Drew Lane could beat was Wayne State University’s signal.

On the bright side, the 1.2 is the highest mark the station has achieved in the past four months. On the “I Should Start My Car Tomorrow Morning and Not Open the Garage” side, that number is still worse than the ratings for most AM sports stations in the US.

While Lane continues to have almost NO impact in the “sports” talk market, the morning show that replaced him at WRIF (Dave and Chuck “The Freak”) has been putting up very big numbers on 101.1. So at least Greater Media has THAT going for them.

On the Official Jake LaMotta Career Scale, Drew Lane is currently here:

There was more good news for 97.1 as Talkers Magazine released their “2014 Sports Heavy Hundred” list of the top sports radio broadcasters in the country. Mike Valenti and Terry Foster landed at #5, Doug Karsch and Scott Anderson slotted in at #8 and Michael Stone and Bill McAllister came in at #17.

This list is hilariously flawed though as WXYT REALLY isn’t even a sports station and Talkers is a trade magazine that weighs this list HEAVILY on ratings.

How can you compare personalities who ONLY talk about sports on AM stations with hosts who spend 50% of air-time discussing light rail, food trucks and emergency bankruptcy managers.

I mean, Bill McAllister is on THIS list. For SPORTS TALKERS!!!! Come the fuck on. The 97.1 morning program isn’t even a SPORTS SHOW. Do you know how I know that?

Because Stoney has told me that on NUMEROUS occasions with the last time being about two weeks ago when he THANKED me for not ripping them for not talking sports.

True story.

And you are telling me that Benedict and the Whale are more influential than Colin Cowherd? In what world? Guitar World, maybe.

I was so incensed by this asinine list that I contacted the publisher of Talkers Magazine (Michael Harrison) for a comment.

Here is that exchange. You might have to click on the image to read it depending on your monitor size, but make sure you do. Seriously, click on the god damn image already ……

I actually respect Harrison so I didn’t have the heart to tell him that on the day THIS website broke the David Brandon dismissal story, the MSU alum who lives and dies with U of M and the Virginal Cross-Eyed Monster were discussing HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

And if you think the candy discussion was some sort of anomaly, I was told that just TODAY Aldrich Ames and the Human Manatee were debating whether or not there should be a tax on sugary products. Believe it or not, Scott Anderson was against placing a tax on sweets.

In other earth-shattering news, George Hamilton is staunchly opposed to the new tax on tanning beds.

Anyway, I will end this report the way I close all Detroit Sports Talk Radio blog posts.

How does 105.1 program director Jason Dixon still have a job?

Next month, Pistons broadcasts will be included in the numbers so I am sure that will add at least one or two listeners.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 7, 2014

If there is anything that I have learned about cops through watching television shows and movies, it’s that they protect their own. The police can murder people, rape chicks and plant evidence with impunity – all while their buddies on the force turn a blind eye.

And when said lousy cop retires or dies, he is either thrown a huge party where everyone reminisces about the “good ol’ days” or the dude is laid out on a billiards table while his compadres spill drinks over his carcass.

Based on the reaction to news of the overdue retirement of Detroit Free Press Tigers beat writer John Lowe — and his sidekick, Mr. Hat — it would appear that sportswriters suffer from the same affliction as the police; you would have thought Dick Schaap or Jim Murray had decided to start collecting Social Security.

Here is just some of the positive reaction on the Twat Box:

Add my voice to those honoring the great John Lowe, retiring from the Freep. Quintessential ball writer, consummate gentleman, & grand soul.

— T.J. Quinn (@TJQuinnESPN) October 22, 2014

Not since A-Rod in 2007 has a person hijacked attention during the World Series like John Lowe. Farewell and good luck to a nice man.

— Andy McCullough (@McCulloughStar) October 22, 2014

I just want to join those saluting the great John Lowe upon his retirement. No baseball writer I’ve met enjoyed the job more.

— Jerry Crasnick (@jcrasnick) October 22, 2014

John Lowe is a treasure to baseball, baseball writing, baseball writers, Free Press readers. Congratulations to my mentor on his retirement.

— Jon Morosi (@jonmorosi) October 22, 2014

Wishing all the best to John Lowe in retirement after 29 years on Tigers beat and many more in baseball. Has meant a lot for the profession.

— Jason Beck (@beckjason) October 22, 2014

John Lowe’s retirement from the Detroit Free Press is a huge loss for baseball writing. The Free Press will never be the same. #MLB

— Mel Antonen (@MelAntonen) October 22, 2014

All the best to my good friend and one-time competitor on the Tiger beat, John Lowe, retiring from the Free Press. An era ends.

— Danny Knobler (@DannyKnobler) October 22, 2014

But my favorite congratulatory missive was sent by the Tigers’ own PUBLIC RELATIONS DEPARTMENT ……

The Tigers wish all the best to John Lowe in his new chapter, a true pro who will be missed and will always have a seat in Tigers press box.

— Tigers PR (@DetroitTigersPR) October 22, 2014

And why wouldn’t the team that John Lowe covered for a living fete the man and offer him a free seat at Comerica Park for life? He spent his entire career asking ZERO tough questions of people in power; defended every awful move the Tigers front office made; and fellated garbage players on the team’s roster.

John Lowe was awful at his job, yet retirement is being hailed by the entire baseball community because:

A) He was a really nice guy.

B) He served for a long, long, long time in his position.

Look, as DSR contributor Michael “HeathBlizzGuy with Brownie Bites” opined when Lowe’s plans went public, LONGEVITY doesn’t equate to GREATNESS. If you think it does, go to your local Secretary of State and monitor the work ethic of any random 30-year employee. 

The first thing you should know about Lowe is that he was an old-school baseball thinker who passive aggressively despised sabermetrics. I know, it’s really shocking that a man who created a statistic calling an ERA of 4.50 in the National League a “QUALITY START” wasn’t a forward thinker … but it’s true. The garbage QS makes “Wins” and “Saves” look like FIP and RC+, for Christ’s sake.

We are talking about a baseball scribe who was such a slave to antiquated stats that he once began a game recap of a 2013 Tigers win with a pathetic defense of Prince Fielder based on Runs. Batted. In.

I mean, every single stat known to mankind illustrated that Fielder was having a terrible year in 2013, but Lowe tried to persuade his readers that Prince was just fine because of the severely flawed RBI stat.

I am not sure anyone in recent Detroit Sports Media history has done more to keep fans in the Dark Ages than John Lowe has. If you want to know why most Tigers fans despise advanced metrics and mock the new math, it MIGHT have something to do with reading this caveman’s drivel for the last 29 years.

How bad was Lowe when it came to this stuff? Well, in 2012, he was universally mocked for his American League MVP ballot. I could go into a long dissertation on the idiocy of giving Raul Ibanez a top-ten vote; placing Jim Johnson third on his ballot (yes, THAT Jim Johnson); and leaving Robinson Cano off completely but I will save that for New York Magazine and Deadspin. 

First, Joe DeLessio of NYMag.com ….

And now Deadspin:

This is the flat-earther whom his brethren can’t trip over their dicks fast enough to blow on his way out the door.

That 2012 ballot was so bad that Lowe should have been either institutionalized or, at the very least, mocked out of his profession. Instead, he was given another two years to say shit like this …..

Ok, first of all, this was a John Lowe chat where he was supposed to take questions from Freep readers. Yet, he was so eager to carry the Tigers’ water that he began the chat by preemptively defending the third-trimester abortion known as the Doug Fister deal.

Are you still wondering why John Lowe received that flowery sendoff from Tigers’ PUBLIC RELATIONS DEPARTMENT?!?!!?!?!???! I wonder if they’re also giving him a fucking gold watch on his way out the door.

John Lowe didn’t think it was part of his job to hold his subjects’ feet to the fire. How do I know this? Because he admitted it in a chat a couple years back.

That is why the Tigers loved this guy. He wasn’t a journalist, he was a fanboy who wanted everyone to like him; he never criticized anyone or anything. 

Here is what Jim Leyland had to say about Lowe upon learning of Mr. Nice Guy’s retirement:

As I wrote the other day, do you think Admiral Michael Rogers — the head of the NSA — would give such glowing remarks about upon learning of Glenn Greenwald’s retirement? 

Annnnnnddddd, I am guessing that Kwame Kilpatrick isn’t writing love notes to either M.L. Elrick or Jim Schaefer from his federal prison cell in Texas either.

Now, I am sure most of you are screaming at your monitor that sports aren’t as important as either a government official’s abuse of power or U.S. citizens having their cell phone calls monitored, but that’s kind of the point here.

Sports are important. We dedicate a lot of time fretting over this “frivolous nonsense.” These are billion-dollar entities that have no issue with asking for handouts when they want a new stadium built – and the infrastructure that goes along with it – but then don’t want to be covered like other companies of their stature when they fuck up.

And the John Lowe’s of the world are why we are usually spoon-fed these teams’  talking points at the expense of REAL JOURNALISM taking place.

Because it’s just sports.

Seriously, sit back for a moment and try to think of ONE TIME in the last 29 years when you remember Lowe writing anything REMOTELY critical of this organization. 

You can’t. Instead what comes rushing to my mind is the constant defense of Leyland; the apologies for Don Kelly; and the Fister trade rationalization. 

The man was the king of defusing toxic Tigers-related stories while using his articles for inane encyclopedic references of past performances by Detroit’s baseball team.

So let’s recap the man’s legacy.

He hated math.

He never criticized the team.

His main goal was to get the front office, players, coaches and fellow media members to like him. [MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!]

And he created a moronic stat which further dumbed-down the game.

Thank [Trout] he is gone.

And let’s hope the person who replaces him believes that occasionally placing his subjects on the hook is part of the gig. 

I am not holding my breath. 

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 8, 2014

It’s been a rough week for Poor Jeff Mess. The cowardly Democrats got crushed on Tuesday. Chili’s new chemo medicine is wreaking havoc with his stomach and he hasn’t had a solid bowel movement in days. The Tigers passed on Joe Maddon because they thought they were all set with Brad “Mimbo Imbecile” Ausmus.

I didn’t think things could get any worse, but then the Los Angeles Dodgers decided to hire every smart person in baseball to complement their huge payroll advantage over the other 29 franchises.

It wasn’t even THAT bad when new chief executive Andrew Friedman (don’t even get me started on that) hired the brilliant Oakland A’s executive Farhan Zaidi as the team’s General Manager.

[By the way, does anyone know who is going to be hosting CNN's "Farhan Zaidi GPS" program on Sunday now?]

Wait, what? The Dodgers went and stole one of the best GM’s in ALL OF BASEBALL from Tampa and he isn’t even going to be their fucking GENERAL MANAGER!!!! What kind of arrogant Floyd Mayweather bullshit is THAT?!?!™ (Chris Rock.)

Nope. Friedman is going to oversee Zaidi. Which would be like hiring Warren Buffet to run your business and then two weeks later he decides, “ya know what, I think I will delegate some of these responsibilities to STEVE JOBS!!”

So now the Dodgers are the only baseball franchise to enjoy a total budget Peter North of $200 million; they also employ the boy genius GM who kept the Rays competitive on a McDonald’s Super Saver budget AND a baseball savant with an economics degree from MIT and a doctorate in economics from California-Berkeley!!!

How is that even fair? It’s the baseball equivalent of that movie “Lucy” coming to life where not only is Scarlett Johansson the hottest chick in the freaking world, but she also has an IQ of 1,324.

If were the end of that story, I’d be ready to commit suicide. But as that dead cokehead Billy Mays used to say, “But wait …. THERE IS MORE!!!”

Congrats to #Dodgers on hiring @gabekapler for their cant miss front office #dreamteam

— Jon Heyman (@JonHeymanCBS) November 7, 2014

OK. I now officially believe in God and that motherfucker is punishing me for being such a prick all of my life. They are taking Gabe Kapler too?!!? A few months ago, I wrote an article in which I implored the Tigers to hire the magnificent Fox Sports One analyst to replace the team’s resident buffoon, Rod Allen.

I knew it was a pipe dream for the team to fire Allen and replace him with the pumped-up advanced metric advocate, but what I didn’t know is that I was trying to get Kap a gig in the WRONG DEPARTMENT; Friedman hired “Gabe the Babe” to run the team’s minor league system!!!!!

[I am sorry for all of the exclamation points in this article. I don't mean to come across as Jake Jarmel on crystal meth, but I am about to have a seizure here, folks.]

This is absolutely awful. I mean, Magic Johnson couldn’t have purchased the freaking Tigers? HELLO!!!! He is from East Lansing. It’s like an hour or so away from Comerica Park.

So while we are stuck with a jackass who can’t solve that Rubik’s Cube known as the bullpen, the Dodgers will probably win a couple of World Series titles over the next few years AND the front office will cure Muscular Dystrophy in their spare time.

But don’t fret, Tigers fans. Just this week, we brought back Alan Trammell as a special assistant to “Divot Chin” Dave Dombrowski. And who doesn’t love Tram?

But I have never heard anyone compare the team’s ex-manager to Sir Isaac Newton. Hell, Tram couldn’t even figure out a way to get a prescription of Retin-A when he was a teen.

Tram’s great. He probably is my favorite Tiger ever. His fucking number should have been retired YESTERDAY along with Lou Whitaker’s. But he’s just another guy who has been fired like three times as a manager or coach. He’s no difference maker, that’s for sure.

At this point, I am just rooting for Friedman to put me in my grave. How about ya hire Stephen Hawking to run group ticket sales? Or Terrence Tao to be the new team mascot? Damien Sandow as director of concessions? Awww, the hell with it.

This is the big one, Elizabeth.

Actually, you know what? I am going to stay positive. Let Kapler get the front office experience he needs in LA with no chance of moving up the ladder because he is blocked by Farhan Farhan.

And then when Dan Gilbert eventually buys the Tigers from the Ilitch family,  he can hire Kap to replace Dombrowski. The Quicken mogul seems to like hiring Jewish guys to run his sports teams.

How is that David Blatt doing anyway?

Yikes. Forget I mentioned it.

Where’s that bottle of Jack Daniel’s anyway?

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 8, 2014

Two members of the DSR’s Wackpack (Trevor Upchurch and Ryan McCumber) decided to take a homemade sign to ESPN’s “College Gameday” in East Lansing this morning and the results can be seen above.

We have been told this sign actually made it onto the airwaves of the Worldwide Leader, but we haven’t received any definitive video yet. If you do have proof, please email the clip to DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com.

Look, I am not sure what I am being freed from.  I am not sure why the sign looks like it was made by second-grade children with special needs. I have no clue why ONLY the “I” is colored in. I am not sure why Thompson DownSynagogue and Nolan JaggerPickle thought they had permission to use the “Joff the Hutt” picture.  And finally, I am not clear why the poster looks like it was run over by a tractor multiple times, but I do appreciate their efforts.

I always wanted to have my own “Melrose” Larry Green and it would appear that I now have at least two.

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
November 9, 2014

Many moons ago Mitch Albom hosted a Sunday evening sports program on WLLZ (98.7-FM) that would occasionally broadcast live from E.G. Nicks restaurant in West Bloomfield.

At this point, I am actually embarrassed to admit that I almost never missed a chance to watch “Condescending Baggins” perform his “Sunday Sports Albom” in person while chowing down on the best breadsticks ever known to mankind.

But approximately 20 years have passed since I would attend these live remotes and in the meantime ….. WLLZ is gone, E.G Nick’s went out of business and the building that housed the diner has been torn down and Frodo Albom has become one of the biggest jokes on the Detroit Sports Media scene.

Today, if this “Keebler Elf” looking motherfucker was broadcasting his show from a treehouse in my backyard, I would close the drapes and call the cops.

I have spent a lot of time in this space over the last few years chronicling Albom’s transition from a somewhat entertaining sports columnist to a death obsessed novella writer who in his spare time plays the role of the old man yelling “GET OFF MY LAWN!!” while he is not saving the nation of Haiti from ruin or occasionally writing sports articles mocking MATH.

In the late 80s and early 90s I read every Albom column, bought every book he published and was a devoted listener to his radio show. Now? I try to ignore his garbage work until one of my minions sends me an email with the subject line, “Have you fucking read this yet?”

And this week has not been kind to “Condescending Baggins.” On Tuesday, it was announced that Albom didn’t earn induction into the Michigan Sports Hall of Fame as he was on the ballot. Hopefully the Mateen Cleaves/Jason Richardson debacle keeps him out for good and if not, at the very least they could place his bust next to William Clay Ford, Sr. in the “How The Fuck Did We Induct This Person?” wing of the museum.

And then Friday, on the pages of the Detroit Free Press, Frodo might have hit absolutely rock bottom with one of the most cringe inducing “columns” I have ever read.

Albom reprised his “Dr. Football” persona and answered questions from either himself or desperate readers in maybe the least funny and clever post in Free Press history. And that is saying something considering this is a paper that has employed Michael “Catskills” Rosenberg, Jeff Seidel and George Puscas over the years.

The hardest part about writing this particular blog piece is narrowing down the worst parts of this trash because almost every line was putrid. I probably should  just repost the whole travesty, but instead I culled it down to the following excerpts:

Hey, Dr. Football. Is it just me, or is Tom Brady starting to lose his hair?

Knock it off, Peyton.

Dear Dr. Football. Please tell me that Calvin Johnson will play this week.

All right. Calvin Johnson will play this week.

Really?

Who knows? You asked me to tell you.

Come on, Dr. Football. The Patriots aren’t that great. They get all the calls. So does their quarterback! 

Knock it off, Peyton.

Dr. Football, can you say anything for sure about Michigan’s next athletic director?

He won’t come from a pizza company.

President Tom Lewand said the Lions returning to London is the first time an NFL team has “gone back in back-to-back years.” Doesn’t that sound suspiciously like the Beatles song, “Get back”?

Jojo was a man who thought he was a Lion.

How did Nike explain dropping Peterson? 

Just blew it.

Is Urban Meyer really that good?

You should see his brother, Rural.

When will Ray Rice be back in the NFL?

Sometime before O.J.

Are you fucking serious? This man was actually paid to write THAT?!?!? And nobody employed at the paper thought it might be a good idea to act like there was an email problem when this came across their desk?

You should see his brother, Rural. 

I mean ……

Stage-4 pancreatic cancer, Dane Cook and the Holocaust Museum in Farmington Hills are funnier than this column.

I would say this piece is the past-his-prime Mitch Albom equivalent of Willie Mays in a New York Mets uniform, but the Hall of Fame centerfielder actually put up a .746 OPS in his two years in Flushing Meadows so I have no clue what to compare this imbecilic, unfunny nonsense to.

At the bottom of Frodo’s Dr. Football article — and can you imagine his malpractice insurance rates skyrocketing after this piece was published — his editor provided Albom’s email address for FUTURE “Dr. Football” columns.

Like, they plan on doing this AGAIN!!!! Well, instead of asking this washed-up embarrassment a football related question, I sent the following email to his account:

As of this writing, I have not received a response from the Pigskin Physician. I will let you know if I do.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a few Tweets from respected freelance writer Bill Bradley’s account on Friday. Bradley has been published in Vanity Fair and Deadspin in the past among other chronicles.

Mitch Albom is still out in these streets writing garbage columns and stacking paper. Free Press needs to get a clue. http://t.co/n1l9G5ynwV

— Bill Bradley (@BillBradley3) November 7, 2014

So many bright young writers in Detroit and the Free Press is running a column in which Albom calls himself “Dr. Football.”

— Bill Bradley (@BillBradley3) November 7, 2014

And I don’t need to remind you all that Albom straight up fabricated shit and kept his job. — Bill Bradley (@BillBradley3) November 7, 2014

The Detroit Free Press employs three sports columnists. Drew Sharp, Seidel and Albom. And these papers wonder why readership is at an all-time low.

Right, Peyton?